Still struggling

[Ayanna]

Hi dear fellow Warrior Queens,

I just pop in shortly.
I still struggle badly.
I was referred , but the referral went again to that horrible Mental Health Service that abuses me rather than helps me.
I have the telephone interview soon.
I am dreading it. The anxiety builds up.
I am so stuck.
I have flashbacks of the rapes and the humiliations that followed afterwards every time.
I have regular panic attacks about something that happened ages ago.
I am so scared of the dark. I wish I could move away from my place into a gated estate.
My disabilities play havoc. On some days I can hardly walk.
I hate the disabilities for which I need the new devices. I cannot cope with the devices. It is not the technical part, it is the rejection of them. I have someone now who said I need to bring them and she will help me put them on. I have to go to her and we will put them on together every time. She will try to make me see the helpfulness of the devices although I would not need them had I not suffered the abuse.
I was hit on the head a lot, during my childhood and then again during my last marriage. I have a reduced life expectancy due to this. Increased risk of stroke and increased risk of developing dementia.
I feel sick every day.
The medical staff who deals with me are impatient. They do not accept that I feel very unwell and that it does not get any better. They loose their patience with me. But this is not my fault.
I have not seen my GP in ages. They are so useless. They failed to refer me to a specialist that I need to see. Another fight ahead. Another department has messed up my prophylactic cancer test. I cannot believe they did that. I hate to depend on doctors who have nothing but cruelty for me.
The abuse left me sick. Too much abuse made me very sick.
Sorry that I have nothing positive to say.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Ayanna, I have thought about you lately and wondering how you are. It is nice to hear from you, though i’m sorry things are not great right now. X*X

[Serenity]

Hi Ayanna,

I have been thinking of you too.

I am so sorry you still feel so low.

I wondered if you had contacted NAPAC- for adult survivors of childhood abuse? It might lead to other things.

X*x

[Ayanna]

Thank you for your replies.

Serenity, I have been thinking of doing that. I am so overwhelmed with everything.

[Author]

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