Still suffering

[undertherainbow]

I haven’t posted here recently but read everything daily. It’s been a bit since the trial. I have made many mistakes since then.

I was desperate and still am, for contact. To shout, scream and ask why. This led to me writing to him in prison a few times – no reply. I can never know for sure if they reach him but he indirectly gave me his prison number when I indirectly asked for it. What am I b****y doing? Next I have looked into Restorative Justice to make myself heard but again, what am I b****y doing?
I don’t want to reconcile a d**n thing, but I feel this uncontrollable need to see him. To not be the crying snivelling mess he last saw in court. I wanna look him in the eye and say I am not scared of you. It’s driving me crazy. I know I have the luxury of being no contact with him prison, but I wrote to him and gave up that. So yet again he’s in the driving seat and I feel powerless and depressed. I feel like I’m the one living in a cell and he’s getting all the help in the world while I rot away.
Sorry to ramble on. I hold a lot of you very dear and catch up on posts several times daily. I just feel like I would be a rubbish support. X

[Serenity]

Hi Under the Rainbow,

The feelings you are experiencing are very understandable and valid. You want answers, and you want him to apologise you all he has done and hear how much he hurt you.

I don’t quite know if restorative justice would be helpful or an option.

The thing about abusers is, unless they have undergone intensive rehab and are the 0.01% of those who respond, they close their ears. Your words resemble you challenging their power, daring to speak out. Rarely are abusers in the right place to listen. You wish to get your power back and have the final word, not be left the victim.

I think its important that you speak to someone in the know about this, who can listen to your feelings and advise you.

The number for the Restorative Justice Council is 020 7831 5700. Maybe they can speak to you about this subject and advise you further, or at least listen to your feelings about this. Do you have a counsellor?

You have vary many strong feelings, and these need to go somewhere. Rather than go round and round in your head or be directed inwards, they need releasing and channeling.

X*x

[undertherainbow]

Thanks for replying. I have seen an RJ support worker who came out to my address with a probation officer. They said they understand my need and will look into it further – they claim they need to know where his head is at through his own meeting with probation. It might not be the best option.
I feel like prison is this big wall where he’s more protected than me. He told so many lies in court it was laughable, they were so outright and blatant and still kept claiming how much he’d loved me in the same breath.
I never would wish ill on people and always saw prison as somewhere to rehabilitate and sort yourself out, but I really hope it’s hell in there for him.

[undertherainbow]

Also sorry, yes I have a support worker from a Rape crisis charity. I’ve been shutting myself off from people a lot though. I went on holiday hoping that would break the cycle and I’d feel better but I just don’t. I think about it for every second of the day, I don’t know if I can tale much more.

xxxxz

[Serenity]

First of all, don’t feel bad about feeling angry. I think anger is a healthy part of healing. I too hope my ex ends up rotting in jail.

Try not to shut yourself off from people. Keep the momentum going. Weekly, meet with someone to offload and listen to advice. Meeting other women in a similar position might be a great help.

Keep on taking things through.

I worry that my ex won’t get the punishment he deserves either, but they do,one way or another. Now yours is in prison, he has a criminal record. He won’t be able to escape that. His freedom later on will be limited.

Reach out to other groups or individuals for support. There is lots out there x

[Ayanna]

Hi, I think you need to change your focus. You will never receive an answer from him that could satisfy you. The simple reason for this is that there is no answer. He is an abuser and he abuses people for no reason whenever he can.
The story of the bad childhood and other excuses abusers have are unbelievable. They are just sick.
If you do not stop all contact forever he will always think that you feel guilty. He will probably think of revenge too. The best thing to do is to go zero contact forever. Hopefully his brain fills with other stuff the longer he does not know anything about you.
I see abusers as bad people. They are bad to the core, the pure evil. There is no way they can change and they will always try to harm someone.
Getting out of their radar is the only way to keep ourselves save and sane.
He is known to the justice system and it is now up to them to deal with him.
You need to focus on your own healing. You need to find answers to your questions within yourself, with the help of counseling or therapy. you need to work on what happened to you with someone who can help. Speak to your GP, take rape counseling, be good to yourself, try out things that you would like. But cut this man out of your life! x*x

[undertherainbow]

Oh had the sob stories of his childhood abuse, none of I think is actually true. I could be wrong but all his family have denied it and I believe them over him. I worry I’ll become obsessed with ‘what ifs’ on his release. This will be sometime (detail removed by Moderator)… Will this delay the healing process does anyone think?

I recently received back items from the police. I saw exactly what he was watching moments prior to his attack now – shame this wasn’t used as evidence even though it clearly shows his state of mind prior. He really is disgusting. I’m far from a prude but the level of pornography use was ridiculous. Surely it becomes boring eventually?!

I do need to shift my focus and stop thinking about him. I miss him and hate him and I am actually sad I haven’t heard anything since his arrest. No family members passing on messages, no letters, not even any threatening ones. I wasn’t even worth that in the end. I should be pleased and I find myself jealous of those going no contact when it seems the other way round for me.

I hope I’m making sense. I feel like I have a lot to say but then never actually say what I wanted to in the first place. x*x

[undertherainbow]

I do often wonder if my letters even got through – does anyone know if letters from victims are restricted? I regret sending them now. They were not love letters but more in disbelief at how it has come to him serving a prison sentence, saying I will never forgive him, that I didn’t deserve his abuse. That the not guilty verdict for sexual offences didn’t bother me because he knows exactly what he did and he has to live with himself knowing that both him and I know the exact truth of what he did.

Throughout the trial he said he was doing good in prison, getting help from people, learning new things, working. This is where feelings of despair come from with me… I have my own home, car, two beautiful children (not his) and seem to be worse off than him. It doesn’t feel fair or right. Sorry to go on about it again today, the court case has had a lasting effect. And for him to be found not guilty on sexual offences (he pleaded guilty to the violence and it was one charge down from attempted murder, that’s how bad it got) just feels like I put myself through hell for nothing at all.

I do wonder if I’ll ever be heard. I had to write 3 impact statements for court and not one got read. I never rung the police in the first instance, they had me do two interviews, I’ve never really had a say in anything that’s gone on. The trial lacked a lot of useful evidence and I was made out to be the worst person by his defence barrister. Now all I’m told by these people is to ‘move on’. It’s so much easier said than done.

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