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    • #124219
      Stay or leave
      Participant

      I have been trying to escape this mess of a relationship for a period of time. I am frustrated with myself. I have let him bully me for too long. I feel like I keep gaining conciousness and I am aware of how he is treating me and the children
      Then I get brainwashed pretend everything is alright and carry on as normal. He is not violent. If he hit me it would be over he is too intelligent to do that
      He is mentally controlling/abusive. I get told what to do.
      I feel weak. I am letting my children down letting them think it is ok to treat a partner like this.

      I dont know a way out. I confided in one friend who said dont bother trying you wont get no housing or help.

      I am scared to leave asking myself will it be worth it? Stay and put up with the cr*p at least you wont be homeless

    • #124223
      KIP.
      Participant

      Don’t listen to your friend. I wouldn’t consider herself a good source of information or support. Talk to,your local women’s aid. Gather a support network around you, you can get all your ducks in a row without him knowing. Coercive and controlling behaviour is a crime. Keep a journal of his behaviour. Talk to your GP about how it’s affecting your mental health. Abusing you is child abuse and children from abusive homes are more likely to be abused as adults. Talk to your local women’s aid or ring th national domestic abuse helpline. You could try to have him removed from the home or talk to your local housing department. Victims of domestic abuse are priority and the council have a duty to you. Talk to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice. I was physically assaulted and I can tell you the mental abuse was way worse and I’m still recovering from that many years later after many years of therapy. My ex was only really violent at the beginning to get himself into a position where I feared him. Then at the end when I was leaving him and he was losing control. Of your partner is getting his own way then there’s no point in him being violent. Try setting some basic boundaries and keep a journal of his reaction. It’s when we say no to abusers that they lose control. Meantime explore your options with facts from professionals. And don’t ask negative people with no experience of the harmful effects of domestic abuse for advice. Staying is harmful to your future and that of your children. The longer you stay the more damage is done.

    • #124247
      Empoweredhealing
      Participant

      Try not to give up. Abusive relationships are very very confusing and difficult to get out of. It’s not a single act of just walking out the door. It’s often a process.

      By posting on here, you are opening a door already. Have you read much about abuse? Understanding is key to breaking the mental prison. Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans have good books out there. Dr. Ramani on Youtube have 10-15min videos that are very enlightening. Get allies like WA to assist you.

      And forgive your friends and family for their often poor advice. Most people will not have the experience necessary to understand what you are going through. But there are people who do! Believe it or not, you are on the right path.

    • #124250
      Camel
      Participant

      Whenever I’m down on myself my sister says “don’t be a b^tch to yourself!” As well as forgiving your friend, be sure to forgive yourself. Feeling weak, frustrated and scared aren’t personality flaws, they’re the result of years of bullying and abuse. You’re not superhuman! Reaching out for professional support will make you feel stronger and braver. x

    • #124257
      Fluffyclouds
      Participant

      If you’ve got children, you definitely won’t be homeless. Its really hard without support so I hope u get to speak to somewhere next week. I’m like u terrified of being homeless but I’ve got no children. It’s one of the first things you’re asked if looking for support or a refuge space because obviously children are vulnerable and need to be protected from abuse including witnessing it. I hope u can get away and be safe xx

    • #124273
      Stay or leave
      Participant

      Thank you all for advice. I am watching the Dr Ramani videos. I feel totally bullied by him. I am doing less and less for him. I am not his mother. He is an addict. Addicted to drugs. That is his problem not mine. He says he will change but never does. He just tries to hide it better. It is like a cycle all happy families all a front. I am putting plans in place. Things get in the way but I know this weird life cant carry on. I have to be strong enough for my children. I know one of them will want to stay with him and I cant let go of that child. He leads a normal life to outsiders but I know the truth. My family and closest friends know how unhappy I am. They tell me to walk away. He even borrows money off one of my vulnerable relatives. He knows that relative is too weak to say no.
      I don’t want to be homeless I have been there before. He got us evicted due to his behaviour. I was left homeless and it took a long time to get settled again. I had good family who took me in
      They could see bad in him and wasn’t comfortable with him around. He had a really bad childhood. I dont want my children to have the same.

    • #124274
      Stay or leave
      Participant

      To outsiders I have a really good job, a lovely home and family. They don’t know the truth of my miserable life. No one can see the pain I am hiding. In my work life I can’t be seen to be weak or bullied. I stand up for others but can’t stand up for myself. I am loved by family and friends. I don’t need his fake love but I strangely feel scared of losing it. I can’t imagine him with anyone else he has always been with me. He sold his wedding ring. I knew it was over from then. I just need to accept it.

    • #124277
      KIP.
      Participant

      He sounds dreadful and you all deserve better. Talk to the police about having him removed. He’s a drug addict and he’s around your children. Keep a journal and any evidence you can. I’d fight to stay in my home and have him removed. Drug addiction is not an excuse for domestic abuse. Neither is a bad childhood. He’s gaslighting you.

    • #124281
      Camel
      Participant

      If you can’t get him to leave, can you go to the family who took you in when you were evicted? They’ll probably be delighted to help you get away from him. Don’t leave the reluctant child behind in his care. It will cause big problems down the line.

    • #124283
      Eggshells
      Participant

      It is totally normal to feel scared about leaving. I’m going to be honest “better the devil you know” does not apply when you’re in an abusive relationship. The unknown is scarey but as hard as leaving might be, I’d rather be out of an abusive relationship than in it. I stayed with my ex for far too long and it damaged my children and me enormously.

      Planning my departure made a huge difference to preparing myself mentally. Slowly but surely, I got precious keepsakes together and bult up a stock of goods to get me started off in my new home. Everything from moisturiser to a kettle went into storage between my friends and family. Having an action plan helps to make it less scarey. xx

    • #124285
      Stay or leave
      Participant

      I don’t want to allow this mess to damage my children but staying or having a break up is going to. No win situatuon. I need out.
      The family who helped me has moved away and into elderly accomodation. I will never be parted with the reluctant child
      I know the child is best with me and will do all I can to keep them. I feel ashamed of his drug addiction and I don’t know why. I think those who know and who I have confided in are judgmental. They ask my why I put up with it. I have no answer. I know it is wrong.
      I don’t know what to say. It started off as a social habit for him and now (time) later he can’t go without one type of drug daily and another type occasionally. Most of his family including his parents regularly use drugs. The drugs are not an excuse for the nasty behaviour.
      My children have never met/ have no contact with any of his family.
      The mood swings that come with when he has or hasn’t got drugs is torture for me. Nattering me for money.
      He is in the best mood one minute the next he is nasty. Really unpredictable. I get nervous and feel anxious in relation to his mood. Often I give in for peace. I dont like to argue. I can’t be bothered. My friend says to me if I go there: Have you come round to get away from him? Acknowledging often that I need a break.

    • #124286
      Stay or leave
      Participant

      Also I have been ‘letting him get away with treating me badly’
      Because I have no choice. I got him to leave once and he came back every day just to show me he could.

    • #124287
      Stay or leave
      Participant

      Egg shells – I am getting financial plans in place to go. I am clearing out stuff I dont need so when I do go it will be quick with essentials only.

    • #124295
      Camel
      Participant

      Your children will probably blossom once they see you blossoming. If you’re worried how they’ll cope with the changes, see what counselling and support is available for them. Their school may be a good place to start. x

    • #124342
      Stay or leave
      Participant

      In terms of leaving the family home. I have a list in my mind of the many things I need to do.
      I am clearing the house out of junk that will not be going with me. I am making sure I have enough suitcases to pack and transport clothing. I am researching housing. I am making sure we can afford to move. It is all overwhelming. Finding suitable housing is not easy.
      I don’t know what else to do.

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