Still trying to heal

[Notjustme]

I am writing this post to try and gain some clarity, to try and break free from the pressure inside my head and to finally try to heal myself. Even though I am quite a private person, I feel the overwhelming need to share my story publicly so I hope that someone will read this.
So far, even though I am free now, I have spent most of my adult years in abusive relationships. First significant ex was a (detail removed by moderator); a man incapable of love, devoid of empathy and unable to function as a parent to our two children either financially, emotionally or otherwise throughout the course of our (detail removed by moderator) long relationship. He was controlling to the point of tracking me down everywhere I went (which wasn’t far or even that exciting with two small children), he made sure it was impossible for me to hold down a job (refusing to look after the kids while I went to work, he wouldn’t even get out of bed), he would spend vast amounts of money on the things he wanted without consulting me but practically made me beg him for money to buy nappies and other essentials. He told me endlessly how much he hated me, how fat and ugly I’d become, and how wonderful and beautiful the other women in his life were. Despite how he felt about me he refused to leave because, in his words, he wanted me to be seen as the bad guy by our children for causing the arguments and for leaving him destitute, should I ever have the courage to walk away. He even threatened that he would make himself ‘disappear’ in some sort of mysterious circumstances so that it looked like I had killed him, and I was actually broken enough to believe him. I lost the will to fight against it any more and became a shell-like creature just trying to survive, looking for hope in the smallest of acknowledgements from him just to feel like I was still real. Anyway, long story short…I reclaimed my strength and we broke up. I rebuilt my life practically from scratch and was looking forward to the future…
And then along came significant ex number 2. On the surface he seemed to be everything ex no.1 wasn’t: hardworking, attentive and loving. The very fact that he got himself out of bed and showered every morning was a vast upgrade on the other one so maybe my standards were low but I fell for this guy hook, line and sinker. I had my reservations but he was able to convince me that any doubts I had were due to what I’d been through in the past. I believed he was probably right so I forgave him for arranging dates with other women behind my back, I forgave him for bad mouthing me to his family and friends, I forgave him for calling me a s**g because I spoke to another man. He told me he was insecure because I was out of his league so I reigned in my behaviour. I toned down the make up, deleted male friends from Facebook and stopped dancing at parties. I started to sit quietly in the corner so that I wouldn’t draw attention to myself. This also meant I would avoid yet another hammering of abuse, although I often got that despite anything I said or did.
I am embarrassed that I changed so much for this person but in my naivety I believed he loved me and I had never had that feeling before. Again, I ended up broken, this time I was prescribed antidepressants. The medication helped me to see through the fog and made me wake up a bit to what was happening to me. Although I had a job and some sort of financial independence (the one thing I had insisted on) in this relationship I felt trapped and isolated. I was mortified that I had made yet another mistake and so I had no one to turn to. The name calling (I was apparently a loser, a prostitute, a terrible mother…why couldn’t I just get cancer and die,etc, etc…) and threats of violence eventually turned to actual violence. The final straw came for me when he verbally attacked my (detail removed by moderator) child. I unleashed my inner mama bear and packed our bags. We were homeless and I knew that I was never going to get the money back that I’d put into our home. I was petrified and I’m so lucky to have had the support I did from my family otherwise I’m not sure if I would even still be here.
That was almost (detail removed by moderator) now and whilst I sometimes feel empowered by what I have survived, I also feel extremely lost and bewildered at times. I feel like I should be over it by now and I almost feel guilty that it still haunts me. I see significant ex number 2 in people I pass on the street. I can still feel the same emptiness and fear that I had back then. I still feel saddened that my children and I were so badly let down by someone I loved and trusted beyond measure. I don’t cry any more but I think that’s because I’ve used up all my tears. I still feel him gripping me and squeezing my arms and wondering if next time it might be my neck. At a time when I should be moving forward with my life, my course of antidepressants has been doubled and I’m seeing a counselor. I do however feel inspired by the prospect of starting CBT, a process which apparently replaces negative coping strategies to trauma such as anger with positive coping strategies (although I have no idea what these would be). I know that I need to regain control in my life, reconnect with people and recover from my past. I will get there.Baby steps.

[freedomtochoose]

Dont be sad or blame yourself because things are taking longer than you thought.
This is how it is.
Be careful of CBT. The people who administer it often have no clue about the aftermath of domestic abuse and the impact of it.
all best
ftcxxx

[freedomtochoose]

And please, please, carry on dancing. At parties, friends houses, sign up to a dance class, whatever you can manage. In the kitchen to the radio. It helps.
take care
ftc
xx

[KIP.]

Hi, it’s good that you’re getting counselling. Please make sure they have experience and in depth knowledge of domestic abuse survivors. It takes us a long time to recover from the trauma of abuse. None of it is your fault. These men are good manipulators and perhaps he sensed you were still vulnerable. Try looking up ‘mindfulness’. I found this really helpful to deal with my anxiety. You can’t put a time limit on healing so as you said in your post, baby steps. I read everything I could on domestic abuse. ‘Why Does He Do That?’ By Lundy Bancroft. And ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Both good books to begin with. Read about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It sounds like you might be suffering from this too. Hang in there and take all the help you can get x

[Notjustme]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post freedomtochoose and KIP. I hadn’t actually thought much about the counsellors experience in this field, but that is definitely something I need to consider, especially before I go down the CBT route so thanks for that advice. I will try the books you suggested too.
After (detail removed by moderator) I still blame myself, especially for the behaviour of my youngest child in the aftermath. I know I probably shouldn’t but I can’t help it.
By the way freedomtochoose, don’t worry I am back to dancing at parties so definitely getting somewhere!!! 😀

[KIP.]

Please don’t blame yourself. When we carry the guilt for an abuser it means they don’t have to. Stay strong x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Notjustme,

It definitely isn’t just you, I can relate to having experienced more than one abusive relationship although I was lucky that I escaped early each time. Your ex no.2 sounds really similar to my most recent ex, I too was impressed by him showering and being clean shaven after going on a few dates with men I met on dating sites who couldn’t even be bothered to do that! I read that these types of men are good at appearing like our ideal partners partly because so many men are clueless about basic hygiene, how to act in public or even how to spell (if you go on some of the free dating sites anyway!) so the bar is incredibly low for women who deserve so much more out of a partner – an abuser knows this and works it to his advantage.

For me a key piece in the puzzle in working out why I kept ending up with abusive controlling men was looking at my childhood and seeing if their behaviour was familiar to me. It had a sickening but vital ephiphany when it dawned on me that they were all really similar to my brother, who has always mocked me, put me down, teased me, criticised me and physically bullied me as a child but who is also can be charming and fun and whosae validation and approval I always craved. Since realising this I have distanced myself from him greatly and avoid anyone with similar traits. It has helped me start to go within and give myself that love and validation instead.

There are excellent books and youtube channels all about this, it’s a very common pattern and people do heal from it and go onto having loving healthy relationships, so don’t give up hope. The most important relationship is with yourself – we have to learn to love ourselves as clichéd as it sounds, because for a lot of us, the abuser appeared wonderful because he love bombed us when we felt vulnerable and unlovable and needing to be saved by someone. If we can fill that void of sadness in our hearts it will go a long way in our recovery, and make us less susceptible to love bombing of any other abusers we may meet.

You have nothing to be ashamed about and are not to blame, quite the opposite in fact; you managed to raise children whilst experiencing not one but two abusive relationships and got them and yourself to safety which shows incredible strength and bravery.

[Author]

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