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    • #136518
      KillingMeSlowly
      Participant

      I’ve been trying to leave. Like literally waiting for the right moment. I cannot leave without his agreement or he will do everything he can to totally destroy me. My head is currently all over the place.

      If we didn’t have a child together, I could just go or have been gone a long time ago. Instead, I’m stuck.

      So the situation is that he finally agreed to me moving out but because we are in social housing, I’m having to bid and wait. It’s taking a long time. I was unable to cite DV as a reason so had to describe the living situation and relationship breakdown.

      In order to get to that point, I patiently waited for him to decide he wanted me to leave and was prepared to let me go along with our child. I agreed to live nearby with an aim to co-parenting as I knew this would be more likely for him to agree to. I just need to get out. All the time I was waiting, I was being physically, verbally, emotionally and financially abused.

      Then I randomly nearly managed to get out. He agreed to me staying/living with others rather than returning home. He then turned it around to not only not agree to that but also accuse me of keeping our child from him and threatened me that if I did not return home with our child by a certain time I would face repercussions (which he alluded to but didn’t specifically state what they would be).

      I am extremely scared of him, not just on a daily basis but also of what he would do if I don’t submit to these type of demands. So in reality he has complete control over me and knows it. I tread on eggshells and dread waking up. Me and our child are fine until he wakes up.

      He also blackmails me, which is another reason I have not been able to leave as he says he will ruin my reputation using evidence of things he has compiled specifically for that purpose and he is also willing to make up complete fabricated lies/stories about me just to try and get me in trouble. He says he will do bad things to my family members and even try to ruin my friends’ lives etc.

      He seems to manipulate other people to be on his side (including his family) and get people to see his point of view by bad mouthing me and making up completely untrue stories or facts about me. He accuses me of being abusive.

      I am not allowed to stick up for myself or to disagree with him. He is right and he knows best so I am constantly told what to do and how to do it or what a s**t job I’m doing and how lazy I am. This is despite him doing absolutely nothing.

      I’m essentially voiceless. I have to be passive or suffer the consequences. I feel that being voiceless has made me a shell of a woman.

      He has been having poor mental health and related crises and blames me. During those crises he acts out. He does not have any emotional regulation or ability to control himself. This is one reason I will not leave our child in his sole care. So if our child is to see him then I have to be there too, which is another reason I am living in the property.

      I am so sad and so anxious. I literally felt like a weight lifted off mine and our child’s shoulders when he said we didn’t have to return to the property (and not in an angry way – in a very agreeable way). Then he just turned on me and verbally attacked me to the point of me crying all the time, being blocked from all contact and being told to collect my belongings for outside the property. This was quickly followed by the accusation that I am preventing him seeing his child and the demand to return our child.

      How confusing is that? He acts as if he never said or agreed to the original idea that we’d stay away while waiting to be rehoused, yet this is something he has actually suggested himself on more than one occasion. I just made the mistake of finally taking him up on it.

      It has put me through the emotional wringer as I don’t know which way up I am. I am so anxious because I feel the flight part of fight or flight. I don’t know how to calm it down.

      So now I’m back to the waiting to get alternative accommodation. I agreed to return home with our child (because I’m too scared not to).

      I have been unable to access DV services because I’m too scared that doing so will lead to police involvement or the involvement of other agencies. This would make his behaviour a thousand times worse, especially with his unpredictable MH issues. I think I’d have to go into hiding and I don’t know how I’d be able to protect my family and friends. By currently being compliant, I keep them safe.

    • #136521
      Pinkvelvet
      Participant

      Hi, I am so sorry you’re going through this. You are a human being and deserve to be treated with love, compassion and humanity. None of what you’ve described is the above.

      I understand how frightened you must feel. You have every right to walk away and yet you can’t because you feel trapped by his threats. Only you will know the safety of your situation and how to best plan your way out. I feel that pain in waiting for the right moment. I did the same, only my ex was threatening to harm himself, not me. But the worry that he might do something that would devastate me forever was so heightened, my fight or flight mode felt constant too because you know you want to leave, you HAVE to leave, but you have to wait for the right moment that is the safest moment, all whilst enduring the abuse and feeling a constant sense of fear. I’m hearing you completely!

      Is there any way you’re able to speak to the police or access DV support? And explain the severity of the situation, that you’re worried the violence will escalate to a maximum? Can you show them this post to explain how frightened you are?

      I really hope this provides you with some comfort knowing we’re here listening and recognise some of the feelings you’re feeling and what you’re going through. I found that helped me a lot.

      Your safety is top priority and the number one importance, and it sounds like you’re really thinking about the best way out of the situation whilst considering your maximum safety, which is smart, brave and very forward-thinking. I know how abuse can leave you feeling completely mentally upside down, but the fact you recognise the abuse, have a plan of action and are trying to manage the situation in the way you think best tells me you’re thinking completely straight.

      Keep posting here if it helps you get your thoughts out and just soundboard things.

      I hope you’re okay. Keep going ❤️

    • #136527
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Killingmesoftly, my heart breaks for you, reading your post. Your partner is terrorising you, when you are ready the police/WA will help you and immediately put things in place to make you and your child safe. Your partner is not above the law no matter how much he bullies you.
      It does have to be the right moment for you to leave, involve police. Women’s Aid or your GP are good places to start when you are ready sweetheart ❤

    • #136528
      Goldenretrieveher
      Participant

      Hi,
      Firstly I am so so sorry to read what you are going through, particularly with children involved. I can totally relate to the having no voice and feeling like you are walking on eggshells.
      From my experience and at the moment my husband is on bail, however for the last few months prior I had been like you seeking permission to leave as calmly as possible and trying to negotiate that I just took with me what I had when I met him. All to no avail.
      Sadly I don’t think you will get that permission, I now feel that the latest incident of abuse (thankfully due to concussion I have no recollection) was planned like everything else he planned covertly (sexual, physical, financial and emotional abuse). The abuse will potentially escalate if he feels you genuinely going to leave.
      Please keep safe, get your ducks in a row quietly and leave when you will truly be safe. I would also now with hindsight give him as little information as possible …. everything I ever told my husband, no matter how small was saved and used against me at some stage in the future.
      Keep safe, keep strong and recruit the necessary agencies to help you navigate through.
      Best wishes
      Mx

    • #136534
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      My heart also broke reading this, you seriously need to contact Womansaid, Refuge or any other DV support in your area. Please don’t be scared of contacting them, I know that’s easy to say but they can help to protect you. Your situation sounds very dangerous and he’s enjoying the control. I’d be very surprised if he does let you go quietly when you finally get a property. As others have said you don’t deserve this and neither does your child. Please contact someone xx

    • #136541
      gettingtired
      Participant

      I’m so sorry that you’re in such a horrible situation. Please don’t blame yourself for not leaving. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t have any children with mine or any legal ties whatsoever yet I still can’t seem to make that move.
      I know it’s easy to tell you to reach out for support but you really do need it. He’s completely destroying your mental health and you don’t deserve this at all. You could start by making a call to the national abuse helpline for general advice? Supportline also have an email service and someone will speak to you via email. Take care and keep us updated xx

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