Still Trying to Leave

[KillingMeSlowly]

I’ve been trying to leave. Like literally waiting for the right moment. I cannot leave without his agreement or he will do everything he can to totally destroy me. My head is currently all over the place.

If we didn’t have a child together, I could just go or have been gone a long time ago. Instead, I’m stuck.

So the situation is that he finally agreed to me moving out but because we are in social housing, I’m having to bid and wait. It’s taking a long time. I was unable to cite DV as a reason so had to describe the living situation and relationship breakdown.

In order to get to that point, I patiently waited for him to decide he wanted me to leave and was prepared to let me go along with our child. I agreed to live nearby with an aim to co-parenting as I knew this would be more likely for him to agree to. I just need to get out. All the time I was waiting, I was being physically, verbally, emotionally and financially abused.

Then I randomly nearly managed to get out. He agreed to me staying/living with others rather than returning home. He then turned it around to not only not agree to that but also accuse me of keeping our child from him and threatened me that if I did not return home with our child by a certain time I would face repercussions (which he alluded to but didn’t specifically state what they would be).

I am extremely scared of him, not just on a daily basis but also of what he would do if I don’t submit to these type of demands. So in reality he has complete control over me and knows it. I tread on eggshells and dread waking up. Me and our child are fine until he wakes up.

He also blackmails me, which is another reason I have not been able to leave as he says he will ruin my reputation using evidence of things he has compiled specifically for that purpose and he is also willing to make up complete fabricated lies/stories about me just to try and get me in trouble. He says he will do bad things to my family members and even try to ruin my friends’ lives etc.

He seems to manipulate other people to be on his side (including his family) and get people to see his point of view by bad mouthing me and making up completely untrue stories or facts about me. He accuses me of being abusive.

I am not allowed to stick up for myself or to disagree with him. He is right and he knows best so I am constantly told what to do and how to do it or what a s**t job I’m doing and how lazy I am. This is despite him doing absolutely nothing.

I’m essentially voiceless. I have to be passive or suffer the consequences. I feel that being voiceless has made me a shell of a woman.

He has been having poor mental health and related crises and blames me. During those crises he acts out. He does not have any emotional regulation or ability to control himself. This is one reason I will not leave our child in his sole care. So if our child is to see him then I have to be there too, which is another reason I am living in the property.

I am so sad and so anxious. I literally felt like a weight lifted off mine and our child’s shoulders when he said we didn’t have to return to the property (and not in an angry way – in a very agreeable way). Then he just turned on me and verbally attacked me to the point of me crying all the time, being blocked from all contact and being told to collect my belongings for outside the property. This was quickly followed by the accusation that I am preventing him seeing his child and the demand to return our child.

How confusing is that? He acts as if he never said or agreed to the original idea that we’d stay away while waiting to be rehoused, yet this is something he has actually suggested himself on more than one occasion. I just made the mistake of finally taking him up on it.

It has put me through the emotional wringer as I don’t know which way up I am. I am so anxious because I feel the flight part of fight or flight. I don’t know how to calm it down.

So now I’m back to the waiting to get alternative accommodation. I agreed to return home with our child (because I’m too scared not to).

I have been unable to access DV services because I’m too scared that doing so will lead to police involvement or the involvement of other agencies. This would make his behaviour a thousand times worse, especially with his unpredictable MH issues. I think I’d have to go into hiding and I don’t know how I’d be able to protect my family and friends. By currently being compliant, I keep them safe.

[Pinkvelvet]

Hi, I am so sorry you’re going through this. You are a human being and deserve to be treated with love, compassion and humanity. None of what you’ve described is the above.

I understand how frightened you must feel. You have every right to walk away and yet you can’t because you feel trapped by his threats. Only you will know the safety of your situation and how to best plan your way out. I feel that pain in waiting for the right moment. I did the same, only my ex was threatening to harm himself, not me. But the worry that he might do something that would devastate me forever was so heightened, my fight or flight mode felt constant too because you know you want to leave, you HAVE to leave, but you have to wait for the right moment that is the safest moment, all whilst enduring the abuse and feeling a constant sense of fear. I’m hearing you completely!

Is there any way you’re able to speak to the police or access DV support? And explain the severity of the situation, that you’re worried the violence will escalate to a maximum? Can you show them this post to explain how frightened you are?

I really hope this provides you with some comfort knowing we’re here listening and recognise some of the feelings you’re feeling and what you’re going through. I found that helped me a lot.

Your safety is top priority and the number one importance, and it sounds like you’re really thinking about the best way out of the situation whilst considering your maximum safety, which is smart, brave and very forward-thinking. I know how abuse can leave you feeling completely mentally upside down, but the fact you recognise the abuse, have a plan of action and are trying to manage the situation in the way you think best tells me you’re thinking completely straight.

Keep posting here if it helps you get your thoughts out and just soundboard things.

I hope you’re okay. Keep going ❤️

[Hereforhelp]

Killingmesoftly, my heart breaks for you, reading your post. Your partner is terrorising you, when you are ready the police/WA will help you and immediately put things in place to make you and your child safe. Your partner is not above the law no matter how much he bullies you.
It does have to be the right moment for you to leave, involve police. Women’s Aid or your GP are good places to start when you are ready sweetheart ❤

[liftingthefog]

Hi,
Firstly I am so so sorry to read what you are going through, particularly with children involved. I can totally relate to the having no voice and feeling like you are walking on eggshells.
From my experience and at the moment my husband is on bail, however for the last few months prior I had been like you seeking permission to leave as calmly as possible and trying to negotiate that I just took with me what I had when I met him. All to no avail.
Sadly I don’t think you will get that permission, I now feel that the latest incident of abuse (thankfully due to concussion I have no recollection) was planned like everything else he planned covertly (sexual, physical, financial and emotional abuse). The abuse will potentially escalate if he feels you genuinely going to leave.
Please keep safe, get your ducks in a row quietly and leave when you will truly be safe. I would also now with hindsight give him as little information as possible …. everything I ever told my husband, no matter how small was saved and used against me at some stage in the future.
Keep safe, keep strong and recruit the necessary agencies to help you navigate through.
Best wishes
(removed by moderator)x

[KillingMeSlowly]

Also re: everything I’ve ever said being used against me…

Oh yes! I really think you are right and that’s a massive factor. He has an exceptional memory for minute details of my/our life. I know he stores up this stuff because he outs himself every so often or I see him doing it to other people.

[Bananaboat]

My heart also broke reading this, you seriously need to contact Womansaid, Refuge or any other DV support in your area. Please don’t be scared of contacting them, I know that’s easy to say but they can help to protect you. Your situation sounds very dangerous and he’s enjoying the control. I’d be very surprised if he does let you go quietly when you finally get a property. As others have said you don’t deserve this and neither does your child. Please contact someone xx

[gettingtired]

I’m so sorry that you’re in such a horrible situation. Please don’t blame yourself for not leaving. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t have any children with mine or any legal ties whatsoever yet I still can’t seem to make that move.
I know it’s easy to tell you to reach out for support but you really do need it. He’s completely destroying your mental health and you don’t deserve this at all. You could start by making a call to the national abuse helpline for general advice? Supportline also have an email service and someone will speak to you via email. Take care and keep us updated xx

[KillingMeSlowly]

Hi ladies

I’m finally able to come back to this…

So I’m still trying to leave! I’m away visiting family again at the moment so can safely come on here.

So since I wrote this, I’m still bidding on properties. It’s so hard to get somewhere suitable due to factors outside my control. Yet, with support from my GP regarding the safety of me and the child living there in regards abuser’s MH and subsequent volatile behaviour, not the DV, it has bumped me up the ranking so I’m now in the top 5 when bidding on certain properties. Fingers crossed I’ll get somewhere soon.

I haven’t been able to admit the DV to the GP. But the GP heard abuser responding to me on the phone in an abusive manner and GP basically turned round and told me that I don’t need to say anything about that… they get it/understand an element of what is going on.

In the meantime, the abuse continues. He is totally irrational and volatile due to both the ongoing MH and extreme substance abuse. I’m being financially abused as well now… due to the latter. Physically abused. I continue to document when able to.

I found out about the social prescriber for our area and am going to make a call on Tuesday to try to speak to her. She may be able to help me with the council/housing… put pressure on them to house me in an appropriate property.

The police got called at one point – won’t go into details but it was anonymous and not from my end. They spoke to me. I didn’t deny the verbal element but told the officer I’m trying to leave and waiting for a property.

I am also trying to figure out if I have the guts to speak to a DV charity. I was given the information for a local one by the council who basically told me I need to call them even though I never said anything about DV – the lady just recognised it from various things I was saying. I’m still too scared because of involvement from child services. It is so hard when you are stuck there… if someone could say for sure they would not get involved and come to the property then I wouldn’t hesitate to call but the thought of it is happening and him then knowing is too much for me.

Also… I’ve been a lot more open with friends about what’s going on. Again he prevented me returning to the property for a few hours. I had no keys, wallet, phone etc. A friend, who has experienced DV, took me in for a while until I was able to return to the house. He outed himself in that respect! Like he is their friend too….dunno what he thinks they think of him doing that.

Other friends (my friends) are aware to a point and supportive. To be honest, knowing that other people know some of it makes me feel lighter. They all know I’m desperately trying to leave. Also some of his family too… I wanted them to know so that when I go, if he tries to decimate my character (which undoubtedly he will if he feels he’s losing out somehow), they will at least know the truth.

[Mellow]

I feel you on this I’ve been trying to apply for council house almost 3 week and they keep wanting more information I also have kids and had to pick relationship breakdown.worse when you have kids cause they say you are kidnapping them and use them as weapons

[KillingMeSlowly]

I’m sorry you are also in this position Mellow. It’s so frustrating and demoralising, especially when you have decided to go and just want to get out but can’t go to a refuge as they would be inflammatory, like declaring war. I have given up caring about so many things since I decided I absolutely was going because its like living in a limbo state. I can’t plan things as I have no idea how long I’m going to be stuck there or where I might end up living.

My council took a really long time to assess me and kept asking for various paperwork. When I finally did get a log in, I was restricted on what type of properties I could bid on and due to circumstances there are various criteria a property has to meet in order for it to be suitable for me and our child… so that restricts me even further. I’m just praying every day for a place and hoping.

[Mellow]

Also wanted to say try communicating verbally as he will keep evidence

[KillingMeSlowly]

That’s a good point.

Also, I remembered I can’t call a lot of these organisations because he has control of my phone so could see who I’ve phoned. I will call the social prescriber using a landline so that should be okay.

Funnily enough, he has written a number of things via text that admit to certain wrong doings and issues he has and I’ve managed to capture them and then store copies of them electronically should I need them in the future.

[KillingMeSlowly]

I should add, he has form for recording me and taking photos of me… without my consent. The premise behind this is to create evidence of my apparent ineptitude, laziness, poor parenting or whatever else he believes so he can expose me when he feels like it in the future.

He has CCTV in the house so I cannot have private conversations on the phone and I can’t have a confidential conversation on the phone anyway as he has control of the phone bills. To the point where my doctor allows me in-person consultations regardless of Covid regulations.

I also remembered he likes to state that I abuse him and that I’ve ruined his life since being in it… which is all laughable really but also shows the stance he’s coming from. I find him vindictive, petty and unstable/volatile… so totally dangerous as completely unpredictable.

I was reading Lundy Buncroft and the Dominator book when away from the house and then deleting it… he really is a bad case. He seems to have elements of all/most of the different types of abuser!

[Author]

Posts