Still trying to understand

[Still-trying]

I just don’t know where to turn.. my dads fully left my mum, booked to see a solicitor and so has she. I know that ultimately it is my mum who’s having to go through this but I have no idea what she’s feeling at all or how to support her. They’ve been together since they were teenagers.

I know I’m not a child anymore and this really shouldn’t be about me but I feel like it’s absolutely my fault. My parents have had to help me with so much. My mental health has at times he horrible, they’ve helped me financially too. I’ve lived in their pockets since becoming a single mum and my own mum is always the first person I call when I’ve had a problem with any… and there’s been a lot of those times. I can only assume my dad has become utterly sick of it.
My dad frustrates the life out of me and I guess it’s in my nature to be argumentative, I bite so easily if people are winding me up. More so since learning about abuse.. I’ve stupidly always felt like I’ve never been listened too and been undervalued, so since learning about abuse I’ve been so determined to be heard and not put down but look where this has got me.

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So then half of me wants my girls to see that his behaviour isn’t always ok and that women shouldn’t be scared to tell men that, but the other half of me sees how much trouble challenging his behaviour causes. My mums always just chosen to ignore him or to walk away.. I always take things more personally than that. My way doesn’t work though does it. My kids lost their dad that way because he left us, and now they’ve lost their Pops too.. and my mums left her husband.

I’m at work trying to keep myself together but my mums having to look after my kids alone now because of all this.. and also because my kids dad decided the one day a week he sees them wasn’t as important as a bank holiday bender.

[KIP.]

Please distance yourself from this. In therapy I discovered the responsibility wheel. Imaging a circle like a pie chart. We often take over that wheel when it really isn’t our responsibility. Just be there to support your mum if she needs it. None of this is your fault so don’t blame yourself. Retirement was when the abuse I suffered for decades really became clear. He didn’t have work to distract him anymore and his sole focus was on abusing me. Maybe this is what’s happened here. Either way just look after your own fragile mental health x

[Still-trying]

Thank you for your reply again. That term sounds interesting. I do understand that everyone is responsible for their own actions, for example my ex chose to hit me and that was his choice but ultimately I’ve pushed too people to very extreme behaviour. If I’d not behaved in certain ways then they’s Never have done certain things. Hitting someone is obviously wrong and I used to say that if he hated me so much then why not just walk away. My dads chosen to walk away. I mean the only conciliation I can take really is that he could’ve chosen to have nothing to do with me but still been with my mum.

[Iwantmeback]

Still trying, I can’t give too much support at the moment, but I want you to know that none of this is your fault. Even as children we never truly know how our parents marriage is. Please don’t take on the guilt of their marriage breaking up. Will try and post again later on when I’ve more time. Take care of yourself sweetheart
IWMB 💕💕

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