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    • #16058
      Serenity
      Participant

      My ex claimed in court that he had a good relationship with our youngest child, and a bad one with the eldest.

      True, his relationship with my eldest was terrible, but he was and is still horrible to my youngest.

      I remember him getting annoyed with him being too loud, and kicking him as he walked past him. He said I
      He did it lightly, but I don’t believe he did, and anyway, why even do that?

      I have a flashback to when we were on holiday once with my family. As per usual, my ex was being anti-social, like he was above our company, and often sent off for walks alone when everyone else wanted to engage in a group activity. He coerced my youngest to go on a walk with him. They were hours. It was a 15 mile hike, up and down sand-dunes. My youngest came back looking physically wrecked. And because he was only very young, nor long in upper primary school, he couldn’t cope with his tiredness. He began whining and being difficult, and I remember my ex reaching out and slapping him. I saw red and immediately went over asked him how he dare do that. Rather than apologise, he threatened to go home early.

      He still makes my youngest go on long walks with him the weekend he has him- but far too long for my son. This weekend, he dragged him aling to,something that my son says was boring. He had to find other children to play with for hours, as my ex was too busy being narcissistic and playing music. And he made my son sleep somewhere very cold and damp. My son always comes back exhausted.

    • #16073

      Sorry to hear about your youngest sons experiences. It sounds as though your ex doesn’t know how to behave as a caring, fun dad, are his narcissistic tendencies directed to his son as well as they were to you?. When you said your ex didn’t apologize for his outburst on holiday, this is so typical. Surely these men can see that that behavior is so damaging to relationships. Focussing on that scenario there were just some minor changes needed to make things more healthy all around yet he didn’t do any of them. Take your son on a more manageable hike for his abilities, understand and sooth your son when he was upset and tired, not slapping him and then taking responsibility for things that went wrong, i.e being a grown up & apologizing. All of that scenario could have been avoided, i don’t get it. My ex never apologized, talked, discussed problems or admitted any wrong doing, he would sulk, go silent, become angry or not talk to me for days.

    • #16080
      White Rose
      Participant

      He’s not thinking of your son at all is he?
      If your son was going away with friends and reported that and came home exhausted every time you’d keep him away but you can’t do that can you?
      I wish it was easy for you to feed back how tired he is she he gets home but I know you can’t. Can your son? Could he make a suggestion of something to do near home ( cinema/football match/go karting/climbing wall) so he wouldn’t vbe dragged away every weekend. Maybe he’d like his dad to himself on his time with him?
      Gosh its so hard you must be so torn between wanting to say what you feel about it to your son!
      Is his tiredness affecting school? would that be sonething to use – from previous posts I suspect not! I suspect your ex wouldn’t be bothered if it was impacting on school.
      Hope he rests well today x*x

    • #16109
      Serenity
      Participant

      Thank you, both.

      This is just a continuation of how he was in the marriage: selfish, dictatorial, negligent, inflexible and self-centred.

      My son’s school life is suffering. I received a letter from the school saying his attendance is down a bit. This is because he has actually been so overtired when he returns from his dad’s, he is unwell. The amount of Mondays he has had off school. He is often crying with tiredness.

      Of course, he wanted contact to look good – to make out to people he is a good dad, using his child to look normal- but in fact, it’s all about him.

      I hope my younger son will eventually find the courage to stand up to him- but, you see, he is probably too scared to.

    • #16112
      Confused123
      Participant

      HI HUn

      Hope your son does find strength to stand up to him soon, could he take extra vitamins to help him with his energy levels whilst with his dad as a tempoary measure, he shouldnt have to but bless him your ex wil lkeep tiring him out on purpose

    • #16148
      Serenity
      Participant

      Thanks.

      He has started to send my youngest back home late in the evening -past dinner time- without having been fed.

      The first thing I do is make him dinner and wrap him up warm.

      The mask is now falling. Apparently, Friday night was spent in a freezing place. My son was frozen to the bone.

      He is also finding being dragged along to my ex’s latest obsession ‘boring.’

      This is the final leg: trying to save my youngest from him. Myself and my eldest are safe: now I need to save my youngest.

      It will be a hard task. He is younger and more pliable.

    • #16151
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi there, just play the long game. Keep supporting him. Making him feel loved and welcome with you. He will soon say he doesn’t want to go visit his dad. It’s just a matter of time. They can’t keep up the father of the year, Oscar winning performance for that long x

    • #16154

      Do you talk to your kids about their dad Serenity? i.e his unhelpful behaviour.

    • #16170
      Serenity
      Participant

      Yes, in a careful and objective way.

      Xx

    • #16172
      White Rose
      Participant

      As you both still have parental responsibility for the boy’s (youngest at least). Does your ex get letters from school too?
      Do school know what’s going on at these weekends? daft question I know they’ll be aware but maybe they need to know a bit more detail about Dads epic weekends?
      I feel for you and your son. My daughter used to come back from her dad’s after being made to do chores all the time and had to be the polite doting daughter when he had friends round for dinner. Hed take her out when she had homewwork to do so she ended up staying up late to do it. He went out so often when she was there she used to end up on Facebook with me for company. She voted with her feet. Your son is too young for that. Can the courts help at all?
      Hugs x*x

    • #16275
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi White Rose,

      He is such a good actor, if I go back to court, I might be accused of parental alienation.

      For example, he will lie and say he rarely takes him out on weekdays and is trying to do do interesting things with him that pertain to his ( child’s) love of music- he twists everything.

      All I can do is keep logging until something bad enough happens goes to court, but you are right, I think another appointment with the school is important.

      Isn’t it awful that we can’t even voice our concerns to SS and the courts without being fearful of reprisals, and that these professionals don’t see the pattern and let abuse continue?

      I have zero faith in the system. I have more faith in myself dealing with it.

    • #16278
      White Rose
      Participant

      I think education may be the route to take. I dont know hether they could go back to social care and mention concerns if they have them. The problem is then the proof its him!
      Frustrating.
      While you’re worrying about it just try to look at the positives…. your youngest has been bored by this lifestyle so he may take another route as he gets older! In the meamtime thermal undies and a fleece and a hat to sleep in so you know he’s warm at least. And he can stripoff as he gets hot 😉 xx

    • #16282
      Suntree
      Participant

      I had something similar. He tried to use my children’s over tiredness as in school and the other issues that came with that as my doing.
      He was so good at being the actor that he managed to convince SS that I was the cause and look at how alert the children’s was when he came from him.
      This is where diaries came in, school diaries, my diaries and I spent a lot of time, because even I was starting to wonder if I was causing my children an issue.
      Well when the hard facts were there it told a completely different story. The truth.

      What it did allow me to do was to show that I wasn’t the issue, funny though how they still stuck up for “dad” though.

      It also allowed me on times to say no, to him when he wanted him for extra time away with them. For example a “charity” trip that it was vital they attended. This trip the last time, when I was told a pack of lies about what it was and found out afterwards from his own boasting about him and how amazing he was, what the children went through. Was sickening.
      They were ill and I had to send them to school so they could be sent home sick. I needed the school to see what state they were in 🙁
      So when he wanted to do it all again I said no, my solicitor wrote the letter and we wrote why, as in the children’s best health etc.

      I have had kept a school diary between me and the school and I have had to write in, kids came back at x time from contact and they were over tired, sore etc. Petty I know but it had to be done. I also went to the same people in school and after a while asked them for their help to talk to “dad” to help explain how important it was that they were not over tired when they got to school. that way even if nothing changed the school were now aware of what was really happening.

      The contact order became for a short time that he was responsible for the school morning after his contact.

      Maybe one thing you could suggest to him is on his contact that he has them overnight for one extra night and takes them to school? That way you are also proactively suggesting extra contact with their “father”.

      But most of keep a diary and keep communication open with school.

      Then when you go back to the court you have a stack of evidence, even if you don’t use it that show the current arrangements are not the best for your children.

      Hugs

    • #16288
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi I would log with school hun that his dad seems to be over tiring him , make school aware , maybe they could contact dad and mention that his overly tired on monday and just discuss weekends without u getting involved but ask for feedback from school

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