Stopping contact with the children

[thelightinme]

Hi all.
First of all, I hope 2019 brings good things to us all.
I feel a bit guilty always writing about me and not supporting others much. I feel under such stress that I guess that’s all I have capacity to do at the moment.
Contact between my (almost ex-husband) and the children has been helish over Christmas, despite the warnings. Talking badly to the children about me, using our eldest daughter to make her feel sorry for him and guilty about everything, lying, avoiding child maintenance… My poor daughter called recently saying the baby was asleep on the floor and she couldn’t wake daddy up (who was on the bed). Then he denied it all and made her feel guilty for telling me. All 3 children are having bad nights and saying they have a tummy ache before they see him.
He’s telling his family that I’ve lost the plot and all I want is his money.
I got police involved again, bacause harrassment towards me continues. I knew this would trigger other agencies like social services to get involved, and they have. I am now under marac, so different professionals are discussing my case in meetings.
So, today, I decided to do what I’ve been afraid of doing for different reasons. I know the storm is going to get stronger:
-I’ve told him I’m stopping direct contact with the children until I get further advice.
-I’ve told him that I’m supervising the use our daughter is making of the mobile he bought her (to control us – this was a gift full of poison).
-I’ve told my best friend that I cannot longer continue with the arrangement of her being the child minder for the baby. I have also accepted that she is no longer a good influence over me since she told me that she believed he was a good person. She’s another of ‘my loses’ I’m afraid, despite having been my closest friend for many years.
I might be coming across as strong and determined, but I’ve still not shifted the depression that’s stopping me from returning to work and I’m writing this with a huge knot in my stomach. It’s like I know I’m doing the right things but my body is not taking it…

[KIP.]

Every decision like this you make for quite some time will come with anxiety. I think it’s great that you are prepared to take back control. Even though it will bring anxiety, that’s normal. Decision making in the past has probably brought confrontation and that’s what you’re feeling now. This will pass as your self confidence returns. Meantime just follow your gut and deal with the anxiety with tlc, mindfulness, positive mantras. Some friends will never understand and if you feel they are holding you back, then distance yourself meantime until you find the strength to rebuild and confront. Sadly, this is a time for self preservation. Be guided by women’s aid. Keep a journal of all the abuse and how it’s affecting your children. Get ss to back you for supervised visits only. Once he’s gone from your life, it will give you all some breathing space. Any contact is toxic to us. The nearer the contact the more toxic it becomes. You’re doing the right thing. Keep moving forwards x

[diymum@1]

You’ve learned from past mistakes, I’m at this stage now. I’m really really anxious but no prepared to take anybodies b*******t again. I see what it cost now and simply can’t do it anymore. It’s what I like to call fully saturated. A bit like a cup of tea dosent get any sweeter once your past five sugars. Tipping point and overspill could also follow. If you know what I mean ! Xx Luv diy xx 💕

[thelightinme]

Thank you for your wise advice Kip and diymum@1.
It’s been such a long time since I don’t feel I have control over my life that it feels alien. I think a big part of the problem is that I’ve never been good at setting boundaries, saying no… I’ve always thought of others before myself, wanting to please everyone. But now, it’s very true, it’s like a now or never kind of feeling. Because if the cup of tea over spills I’ll really go down then.
I feel like needing big changes in my life, the way I relate to people, choosing partners… It’s the first time I really want to be on my own, without a man by me, just me and my wonderful 3 children.
The pain is that deep.
How and why did I put up with so much abuse do the extent of forgetting who I really am? Not just form my husband, but other men before him. The counsellor asked me when was the last time I felt really happy. I struggled to answer. In the end I remembered. I was 13, lying on my grandma’s shoulder while she stroke my hair.

[diymum@1]

Awe god bless you, im probably the same, early teens I was really happy. I’ve always chosen the wrong kind of man. Maybe they’ve
been drawn to my soft nature, who knows 😐you’ve done the right thing stopping contact. If you feel your kids aren’t in a stable safe environment then I’d stop it too. If he’s asking them to comfort him that’s also a form of child abuse. For them to see what he is doing to you is very detrimental. Journal what they’re manifesting ie sleepless nights, tummy ache. I bought my kid a book for her age about anxiety it really helped. She thought she was having heart attacks! She was able to relay her own views to the professionals in a really factual way and they took her words seriously xx 💕 DIY ✌ sister suffragettes 💪

[StrongerTogether]

Hello,
Congratulations on the strength you’ve found to put boundaries in place and take back your life, for you and your children!

I managed to get out very recently. I’m being pestered when he can see our baby already. I don’t deny he was a great father, at times. But it wasn’t always. He would lose his temper of she didn’t sleep through, and shout at her to shut up and go back to sleep, even at a few months old for goodness sake! He had no issue with losing his temper and threatening me in front of her, and when I pointed out he shouldn’t be doing that in front of her, he didn’t care. Obviously after he calmed down, he never meant it. I know he has a cannabis issue as well. I would like to tell him he won’t see our daughter until he has proved he is drug free, and has sorted out his temper – or at least supervised visits until I know he won’t be sat there saying ‘your mother is a c**t’ to her anymore, or shouting in front of her if he doesn’t get his own way.

How did you go about approaching this subject? And was the reaction as bad as you were expecting?

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi TheLightinMe, What a stressful time for you and the children.I dont have much experience with these type of contact issues. Mine are a bit older and just have brief weekly contact, saying that he still manages to make them feel sorry for him moaning about his health and accomodation.
Anyway I just wanted to send you some positivity!
You have come so far and shown absolutely amazing strength even though you are struggling with anxiety. Is your counsellor trained in domestic abuse ? I hope she is helping you to manage your PTSD/ anxiety in the here and now. We are so fragile at this time going into the past is sometimes too much. Be kind to yourself. It will get better. Keep posting for support. All the best, Apricot poppy x*x

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