Strange reverse discard

[Dolly2019]

Hi all,

I originally posted (detail removed by Moderator) after the abuser and I first broke up. I wasn’t too strong back then and after about (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and him breaking bail to pop up and cry on the school run, he eventually persuaded me to take him back. Back then he seemed genuinely sad at losing me and I still loved him enough to want validation from him.

Over the next (detail removed by Moderator) months the abuse continued until (detail removed by Moderator), I had enough. His conduct had led to me underperforming at work and being targeted by a new boss. To avoid being fired I left my job (which I loved) to take another. (detail removed by Moderator) I just got sick of his abuse and being broke and his put-downs. I suspected he already had a Plan B lined up, so when he abused me again I called police (finally). He broke bail but played games the whole time, going silent at weekends. He would just show up in his terms like a Jack in the box whenever it suited him.

This time I got a Non Molestation order and for the first few weeks, he was awol.

Where I messed up, was when he tested me on a school interception. I didn’t do anything about it, and so there resumed a game with the Non Mol – now you see me now you don’t.

I took different routes over the summer and stayed out of sight as he couldn’t come down my road or monitor me too closely. Over the summer he was largely silent. He tried calling once. Acquaintances saw him around in the high street, happy and without a care.

Come (detail removed by Moderator) and he started showing up again. I got the stories (detail removed by Moderator)

This was after the reason for the break up was that a mutual acquaintance (who it subsequently turned out liked him) told me she saw him with a girl (detail removed by Moderator).

He has since started playing horrible mind games. He accused me of being the cheat. When I told him I didn’t trust him and I would never take him back, he has laughed and said “you still love me”.

I then found out that he had (in all likelihood) slept with this (detail removed by Moderator) year old acquaintance (he’s (detail removed by Moderator)) and he just smirked and didn’t deny it.

(detail removed by Moderator)

He is now doing the very thing I dreaded. He isn’t afraid of the Non Mol. So I’m breaking it, then doing disappearing acts, he is attempting to control the narrative by implying “I can show up, when I’m bored I DO show up. But I’ll also ghost you.”

It is all part of his game to try and stop me moving on, to keep hurting me by his absence, then letting me think he has someone, then showing up (detail removed by Moderator)

Even though I ended it, I feel as if he has complete control and mastery over this whole situation. I feel broken because I loved him and he never loved me. He couldn’t love me and abuse me the way he did, or cheat and smirk about it.

I don’t know what to do now. If he shows up again (I suspect he will try to just to see if I react again, which he loves because it shows emotion) I feel as if he has this hypnotic effect on my brain where the pain of what he has done and how he has masterfully played me means that even though I ended it, the ball is in his court, if that makes sense?

Because I didn’t enforce the non mol and I allowed his advances, so he knew I still had feeling for him. I wrote him a (detail removed by Moderator) letter explaining my feelings. Only a person who cares would do that.

How do I deal with the feeling that he has completely won this and I have egg all over my face?

I mean he was practically gloating about this girl. (detail removed by Moderator) I hate that he knows that he can just pick up girls (detail removed by Moderator) and then he feels able to rub salt into the wound like that.

How can I salvage any pride or dignity here?

[Dolly2019]

I should add that this is all a game to him. My gut tells me that because this time I know about the other girl(s), he has to try other avenues to make me crumble. When the lies and “she was a mate’s girlfriend” bs didn’t wash, he resorted to (detail removed by Moderator)

I feel as if I screwed it completely by not enforcing the Non Mol because now he can just do a slow fade on his terms and tweak my heart strings when he feels like it with a sudden reappearing act.

He always used other women to taunt and bait me. Always. It was always his angle, and now has been no different.

I feel so foolish. For letting him break the non mol. For letting him toy with me like a cat and a mouse and I’m the mouse.

He even said (detail removed by Moderator) with a grin like I was some weak pathetic piece of s**t.

I don’t want him back. I wanted to be loved and chosen by a good man who was loyal to me.

He will never tell the truth. What he is doing now is what my ex husband did. When he couldn’t stop the divorce and the pleading didn’t work, he stayed in the FMH (detail removed by Moderator) and dated other women. He threw it in my face.

In exactly the same way.

I don’t know why this man is doing it. He knows I wouldn’t forgive cheating – but he has roundly denied this and has completely re-written history.

Not only does he deny cheating, he now glibly let’s it be known he has moved on and “well you cheated and you didn’t want me, so…”

I don’t know if he is simply trying to control the ending, save face or make me chase to get him back. The latter I would rather die than do and I really could not ever even imagine forgiving what he has done.

So based on the fact that I have refused him since (detail removed by Moderator), what is his end game here?

[Author]

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