Stressed!!

[Janedoeissad]

My home life is leaving me stressed and tired.

Due to the amount of times I’ve been called lazy and been told how I “do nothing” and how I cause us to stay in all the time. I feel unable to sit and just be. I feel I have to constantly be cleaning or thinking of something we can do.

Even when I suggest somewhere I get grief. It’s either too far away or boring or we apparently do whatever it is all the time. I sit in work all week dreading the weekends. I’m constantly on the internet looking up where we could go.

I miss my friends and family. I do see them but I feel like I have to make sure there aren’t too many social events close together as I’ve had grief about it in the past. In fact once I apologised for how many times I’d been out.

I’m so sick of being sworn at. I’m sick of not being able to be me. I wish he’d just be mean all the time. It would make my decision 100% easier.

Finally, I wish I was brave enough to tell him all of the above. I have tried to say how it affects me but I get nowhere 😞😞

[Dragonfly]

Oooh……! Sounds so familiar. To put you in the picture I write a lot, did a spring clean a few months back and found some scribbles. All about how I could make his life more exciting, a list of things to keep him entertained, even a contingency if he didn’t like my original ideas. What on earth is that all about?!?!?

We need to be ourselves, we need to feel comfortable with our significant other, we are allowed to sit and do nothing, we shouldn’t be on edge and we’re certainly not tonight’s entertainment.

Be yourself my lovely xx

[Janedoeissad]

Yes I have the contingency list too.

There is truely nothing worse than planning a trip of any description with a person who in reality, you do not want to spend any time with.

I keep having these outer body experiences where I question why I am making all this effort. One half of my brain is cheering me on to leave as on a practical level it would be pretty easy to achieve but the other half is scared and worried about the aftermath. And is also worried about how he’d cope!!! I’m an idiot!!

[KIP.]

Hey Jane. You’re not an idiot, you’re abused. Ring the helpline number on here or visit your local women’s aid. Nothing you can do will be right because that’s not the problem. Abusers love to keep changing the goal posts. That way the nasty bullies use it as an excuse to bully and abuse. Read your post back. He complains you don’t go out enough then he complains you go out too much. Trying to discuss it is pointless. FOG. Fear Obligation Guilt. Abusers tools to keep us and control us. Don’t waste any more of your life on him x

[duvet]

Hi, Just to say i know how you feel. I really look forward to family events but feel like the stress that is involved trying to keep him happy makes it all too much.
I too wonder why I am bothering sometimes – but then don’t have the courage to say
it is hard and as KIP says it’s abuse – and as i am learning – they want us to keep feeling that way like it’s our fault and our job to keep them happy. That is not fair on you at all.
Do try calling the helpline and also keep posting here for support so you don’t feel alone – also do you feel able to tell anyone else? I have started to tell people I trust, i can’t’ face telling my family yet though.
take care

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you all for your responses.

Duvet, thankfully my partner has no involvement with my friends or family. I therefore can relax at every social occasion because he isn’t there. He hasn’t seen any of my family for a long time. He constantly questions why I need to see them routinely. It’s the telling him I’m going out that causes me stress. It’s a Russian roulette. Sometimes it’ll be fine and others it won’t.

I think I will call the helpline as I am so confused some days. I really struggle with the fact he can be lovely for days and then suddenly it’s like this angry person has taken over his body. I struggle with the idea he can be both these people.

There has been one thing he has said which has lead me to come on here. One really horrible thing that I KNOW isn’t true and has shown him to be selfish, self centred and cruel.

[KIP.]

Keep a journal that you can read back and see just how dysfunctional he is. Google ‘cycle of abuse’. Hang in there. Ask yourself if you would be with him if he didn’t coerce you into staying x

[Copperflame]

Hi Janedoeissad,

I’m not surprised you’re feeling stressed and worn out – it’s a ‘normal’ reaction to what amounts to the abuser’s seemingly irrational and confusing behaviours. There’s nothing more confusing than being in an abusive relationship, as many of the ladies on here will testify.

It may seem hard to believe, but abusers use these behaviours intentionally in order to create confusion in their partners as a way of gaining Power and control over them. The reason for this is that abusers feel entitled to have their partners focus on and meet their every need, while at the same time expecting them to have no needs or lives of their own.

Often abused women wonder if their partners might even be mentally ill because their irrational, illogical and confusing behaviours don’t make sense. However, most abusers are NOT mentally ill, and rather than being illogical and irrational, these behaviours are actually calculated and contrived to make their partner feel confused, stressed and off balance.

What happens is this: when he’s playing all these mind games with you, he is taking up all your head-space so that you are totally focused on HIM, ensuring there is no room in your head for your own thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, ambitions and goals. He is effectively stopping you from taking care of your own needs.

The abuser doesn’t want you to have room in your head for anything but him – because if you did you might want to leave – and in his mind, he cannot let that happen. Thus, if you had some room in your head to focus on your own needs and interests, you might just realise there’s a life outside your relationship with him, and he doesn’t want you thinking that.

For the same reason, the abuser doesn’t want you spending too much time with your friends and family, because there’s a risk that they might ‘put ideas’ into your head by pointing out how he’s mistreating you. Some abusers try to stop their partners from seeing their family and friends altogether – my first abusive ex tried to do this. If they can minimise outside influences, the greater the power and control they can exert over you.

To non-abusive people, this kind of warped logic seems incomprehensible. However, the abuser has learned and assimilated these warped beliefs, attitudes and behaviours from role models with similar warped logic and thinking and at a very deep level. Thus to him, this way of thinking and behaving is his reality – his “normal”. To him, this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Yet on some level, he knows that what he is doing is wrong.

Living with an abuser is really hard because they can be soooo nice at times, thoughtful, kind and considerate…then you wonder if you’re the one who’s got it wrong! It would definitely make it easier if he was horrible all the time, but abusers know this and that’s why they switch from being nasty to nice. It’s all about manipulating you to maintain their control.

Big hugs to you, Copperflame xx

[Serenity]

I used to be so anxious about the weekends. I’d want us to enjoy nice days out like other families, research thingsand make picnics, but each event would be ruined by his irritability, unkindness, impatience and attempt to make us feel worthless by snubbing us and treating us like dirt whilst he was super-friendly to passers-by.

When I was newly separated, I found weekends painful. I felt sad for my kids and had a need to try to arrange things for them, like I didn’t want their weekends to be empty. I also felt bad doing nothing. I think I was still stuck in that manic, people-pleasing mode.

A couple of years on, things have changed so much in this house. Yes I arrange some activities, but if my sons and I want to do nothing, slob out, just sit or even just have time out in rooms of our own, we can. We allow each other space and rest, but come together too.

My ex used to look daggers at me if I sat down in a chair. I am sure he believed that I should be on my feet tending to him 24/7. How I love to stretch out on the sofa nowadays, resting my weary bones!

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you Copperflame I found your explanation interesting. I find it hard to comprehend why someone would want to manipulate as I am the pole opposite of that. I think my problem is that I always believed that everyone has their own boundaries and that it was up to me to establish what they were and try to stick to them. Essentially, I have discovered I am a prolific people pleaser and this has left me vulnerable to being in this situation (not blaming me for his behaviour but just an epiphany I’ve had recently). Someone once asked me what my boundaries were, I had no idea, I do not think I’ve ever really set any. Maybe now is a time to start! Better late than never.

Serenity I have been on the receiving end of those daggers, the look of disgust, the irritability, the grumpiness and the rude unwarranted comments and its the worst thing in the world. I don’t get the feeling I’m supposed to be taking complete care of him. Some days I genuinely feel like I am a burden to him that is only tolerable as its better than him being alone. I have asked him on many occasions why he stays with someone he clearly doesn’t like. The most I got out of that conversation was I am not irritating all the time. What a beautiful declaration of love! lol!

Unlike your partner, depending on the mood, my partner will be just as cruel to passers by. This adds to my own anxiety as I have to try and move us away from crowds as I don’t want anything to kick off.

Serenity my hope is to get to the stage you are at now. Nothing sounds nicer than a day sat doing nothing without judgement.

[iwillbeok]

Hi all!

Sorry to hear you are stressed out by this. Just wanted to say I went through exactly this! He hated staying in and would insist that I came up with actvities or plans for the weekend. Often he’d ask just before bed, what are we doing tomorrow? I would then spend ages trying to find something. I realised that no matter what I suggested we’d then do whatever had found (often a few days earlier!). In the end it fell into a pattern of me finding 3 quick answer options (so it appeared like I’d put some effort in!) just for him to be able to override with his choice. This was because if I left it
, it was then my fault if we ended up staying in or “wasting half the weekend” as he called it. It would then also be my fault if the kids kicked off because they were “housebound”! Nevermind they would kick off on long dull car journeys to yet another quaint village (also my fault as I wasn’t ‘engaging’ with them, not that I could as I would need to listen to yet another monologue of his about whatever political/economic/work related issues were the topic of the day…

Copperflame – your post has hit the nail on the head. Its not like I haven’t heard the ideas you speak of, its just they wouldn’t sink in, i couldn’t relate them to my situation. But the words you’ve used have finally started to break through to me. I can recognise them in the context of my ex-relationship. I plan to keep reading them every time the little voice of “maybe it was me, my fault” starts to rear her head. My abuse was so, so subtle and over such a long time. Thank you for adding to my growing clarity.

X

[SunshineRainflower]

I also used to make lists of activities for us to do, I never even equated it with a abuse thing, but my ex sort of took over my life and wanted to see me all the time, so I found myself spending half my week planning the weekend! Isn’t it interesting how I was doing the vast majority of the planning rather than him.

I never do that normally, and actually spend quite a lot of time enjoying pottering around or exercising, doing my hobbies etc. I found it depressing just hanging around the house with him but for some reason don’t find it half as depressing if I’m just hanging out with myself! I also used to find it depressing doing weekend activities with him towards the end but could never figure out why as I was deep in the fog of abuse and at the time thought he was wonderful and that I was the problem. Now I can remember all sorts of cruel things he used to say and do to me and pass them off as ‘jokes’ or some other explanation which at the time seemed to make sense but didn’t stop it from hurting.

No wonder we all get so exhausted with these men, they steamroller over our lives if given half a chance. Definitely give the helpline a call, they are brilliant. xx

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you all for your comments.

I have to say I am staggered at how many people have related to my scenario. It seems like such a little thing but the anxiety planning my weekend brings me is ridiculous.

As time goes on I sway between being upset at the realisation of what my relationship is and denial. I find one small part of my brain trying to convince me that this is normal and ok. I shout that part down quite quickly but it is something that has surprised me.

I totally agree SunshineRainFlower, these men are so exhausting. I find myself making silly mistakes all the time because my mind is always somewhere else, trying to second guess what might make him mad and trying to prevent it.

Iwillbeok, I have realised that my situation has been gradual over a long period of time. I hear that same voice all the time “maybe I am that person”, “maybe its me”, “why can’t I get things right”. I am going to start being nice to me even if he won’t.Maybe then I’ll get the strength to leave.

Big hugs to you all x

[Tiffany]

I can’t believe how many people experienced this. I thought it was just me. I had plans and contingency plans. We ‘never did anything together’ which was all my fault for being ill. Weirdly it was never actually me that cancelled our plans… Since leaving I have done so many things. And he told me he’d need stop me spending time with my family while getting upset when I did things with my family.

Like yours Janedoe my partner was also like this to other people. And he really did have mental health problems. But he was also abusive and I am glad, oh so glad, that I got out. From what I have heard he is doing much better too…

[Janedoeissad]

My god Tiffany, it’s like you are talking about me.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel like I can’t see my family but you’ve just hit the nail on the head. He says he would never stop me seeing them but regularly gets angry about how often I see them.

I struggle with separating the fact he’s mentally ill and abuse. I need to recognise it’s ok to be ill and ill always be supportive but it’s not ok to treat my so poorly.

You sound very happy now I really hope I can get to the same place

[Tiffany]

I have the same feelings about your posts Janedoeissad. You could almost be writing the about my life not so many months ago.

It’s a hard thing to process, that someone could be mentally ill and abusive at the same time. My big red flag was an instance of domestic violence. Things had been spiralling downwards for a while though. There was one instance of him saying something incredibly cruel and untrue to me. Then it became a trump card used to make me cry which proved I was irrational every time I tried to stand up for myself. He became increasingly controlling. But it took me much longer than it seems to be taking you to get to grips with what was going on. He knew he had crossed a line with the physical violence and that I would leave if he did it again. So he became hugely apologetic, not normally one of his traits and ramped up the other controlling stuff instead. In the end I left because I was unhappy, not because I was being abused. It took me about a month, when I started to get flashbacks, to realise that it had been abuse.

Thing is, he was ill, and I wanted to help. He wasn’t an out and out bad man. He had helped me a lot over the years in various ways. But his solution to his mental health problems was to take out all his anxiety and anger on people close to him. He couldn’t control the rest of his life but he could and did control me. And as a very wise friend of mine said (over and over for years until I got out) ‘a coping strategy is not a coping strategy if it negatively impacts on other people’. She was right of course and I couldn’t help him while he dragged me down with him anyway.

[duvet]

HI
Just to say I can relate to the comments about it feeling like its my responsibility to sort plans – with me it’s all about food. I have learnt to dread the phrase ” what’s for dinner”
I used to send an sms in the afternoon advising of the plan but stopped as i realised that at least once a week he would object – make derogatory remarks and I would then go into a flat spin trying to find another more exciting option for dinner that night. I work full time so often get these messages when I am in a meeting
I have entire folders of food options – I still ‘get it wrong’ by serving up left overs or previously frozen food or trying to get ahead by cooking a large quantity to feed us for a few evenings. The food has to be proper food cooked from scratch often taking hours to prepare
Food prep dominates my weekends I spend hours preparing food trying to provide 3 delicious meals a day at the time he wants whilst he sits there and does nothing!
My solace is when he is away and i don’t mind eating the same thing every day – and something really simple like beans on toast
Similarly family gatherings are difficult to negotiate- the last one he sulked for a day as I told him he didn’t need to come if he didn’t ‘want to – it was then my fault for trying to have all the experiences with our children and exclude him!
When i write it down it all seems so obvious !
Somehow other people telling me it is not OK help a bit but I still rationalise it all in my head and I also blame myself for having started doing this in the first place
Thankfully we have each other to share with

[Janedoeissad]

Tiffany the more you write, the spookier it gets, its like you are literally writing about my partner, how you feel is EXACTLY what I am feeling now. He isn’t necessarily a “bad person”, he is ill (although I do sometimes wonder if some of these abusive behaviours are not illness but genuine personality traits). When he is “well” he can be very nice, when he’s not his is awful and says appalling things, runs me around in circles, makes demands, creates a horrible atmosphere in the house and never apologises after, even when he is well again. I am unhappy and want out but guilt keeps me here I think. I have never seen my partner well for any extended period of time, he has never been nice for more than 3 weeks. When he is nice things seem perfect. Its such a shame.

Duvet having to think about food every day must be exhausting. The fact he sits and doesn’t contribute anything but abuse must make it worse. You work full time, that is exhausting, the last thing you should have to worry about is what you are making for tea and how long it is going to take. Do keep sharing and talking, I have found it so helpful. I am finally getting my own thoughts in order for the first time in a long time. I rationalise things in my head too. I tell myself I might be miserable when he is treating me poorly and I might miss having the amount of time I would like with my family and freinds but he does help around the house and garden…. but should I give up my happiness and be treated that way because my house is clean and other people have it worse than me??

[Tiffany]

I can confirm it is 100% not worth it because he cooks and cleans and other people have it worth. Assuming you really are living my life with a slight time delay I would also say that the abuse is not all the mental illness. The way I figured this was When I am down/struggling mentally I lash out/get unreasonably pissy. I will get annoyed about something that has happened recently/fixate on something that needs to be done now and shout about it. Afterwards I realise I totally overreacted and apologise. When he got down/struggled mentally he would lash out specifically with topics that I had told him I find distressing or hurtful. These generally had little relevance to anything which had happened recently. Afterwards he would tell me it was my fault he lashed out because I should have been more sensitive. Lashing out when you are struggling is not a good thing to do but it is fairly normal. Lashing out with topics specifically chosen for maximum hurt is not normal. And blaming the victim in the aftermath for triggering the incident is abuse plain and simple.

3 weeks was generally the maximum length of good spell for me too. Totally get the family gathering thing too. I’d invite him to join my cousin and I doing something. He’d refuse. Then if I went I was excluding him.

It is tragic because it is so hard to see that kind of messed up struggle. My ex had the most horrific past of anyone I have ever met. He was messed up on so many levels. And he wasn’t bad. But ultimately acting as his emotional punching bag wasn’t doing anyone any good. And like I said, I am doing so much better and from what

[Tiffany]

I hear he is doing better too.

[Janedoeissad]

I never feel I’m allowed to get p*ssy or annoyed. If I were to point out he had done something wrong there’d be a kick off. I sometimes wonder if I over analyse things/make assumptions and that I should try and talk to him about how I feel because maybe he’d listen and discuss it with me but I am just too scared I’m going to be verbally attacked. Sometimes he gets angry and I can honestly justify why (I’m no saint!) but the level of anger seems disproportionate to the issue involved. It’s a level of anger that seems far more than is necessary.

I once tried to tell him he scared me when he was angry. He got really mad and made me feel bad for raising the episode after 24hrs had passed. He also said somethings which gave me the impression that his behaviour was ok. I ended up apologising.

I once did get mad and told him why I was mad without getting personal. His anger level got too scary for me. He kept on at me for what felt like forever and in the end I was a broken mess. Crying like a baby.

I’ve never met anyone who can get so personal so fast when they are mad. No one had ever questioned my motives so much or made me question my sanity more than he has. No one has ever pointed out so many “flaws” I have. Some of them are accurate but does that mean they should be dragged up every time their mad?

It’s the regular insinuating that I’m a selfish and vindictive person who is only looking after herself that really hurts. When literally nothing could be further from the truth.

Thank you so much for letting me vent all of this. I’m so grateful. I have started telling one friend but I feel like I’m being annoying and a burden to her when she has her own stuff to deal with.

[Tiffany]

I’ll tell you.the words that would have jumped out at me when I was in your position which I would have recognised absolutely. Disproportionate anger, personal, crying, apologising. I went through this cycle realistically almost every week. Sometimes several times, sometimes I would get a few weeks off. It grinds you down.

The stuff I didn’t recognise which was going on but I couldn’t see clearly: Not allowed, not a saint, scared, flaws. I would have argued with you then in defense of his hatred of my perceived flaws. I would have brought up that I wasn’t a saint. Tells me now how low my self esteem had sunk. I mean, sure I am not a saint, but that doesn’t mean someone can forbid you from experiencing certain emotions (I wasn’t allowed to be sad unless someone had died…) and it absolutely doesn’t justify your partner making you scared.

Mine also told me that I was overanalysing and that our problems were all in my head. Well, I am alone in my head now (apart from the occasional lingering echo of his voice – haven’t managed to entirely evict him yet) and I can tell you that there really aren’t that many problems in here.

[Tiffany]

And just to clarify it was me who did the apologising… For him lashing out at me. Literally anything to make it stop.

[Janedoeissad]

I knew it wouldn’t have been him apologising Tiffany. I have a small party when I get an apology, it’s such a rarity.

I am going to call the number and get advice. I wish there was a script someone could write for me so I could say enough to get out and stay out. I think about just packing my stuff and going when he isn’t there but I feel that’s cruel. Even after all he’s done I can’t bring myself to be mean.

I had an opportunity to leave x years ago but I stayed. I was devastated that I stayed. Still kick myself that I didn’t run for the hills.

[Tiffany]

I moved out before I was sure I was leaving him. Said I needed a couple of months living alone to get my head in order. I was going back every weekend to see him and try and make things work. Subconsciously I knew it was my escape from abuse though. I didn’t tell him my address of where I was staying during the week. I got my most precious belongings out (musical instruments, my grandmothers jewellery, that kind of thing). It took me several months to end it completely. In the end he blew it though. Surprised he lasted as long as he did. I wrote him a letter much kinder than he deserved and broke up with him in a public park. I was resigned to losing all the stuff at his house, but managed to get everything out one day while he was at work with the help of my family. If I was doing it again (which I hope never to do) I would skip the going back at weekends for months stage. Just find a new flat, get the essentials and anything really previous out then break up somewhere public and try and sort out something amicable for collecting the rest of your belongings. Actually my ex was ok about this. Wouldn’t have gone in without family backing me up but he was fine and I got everything back. Don’t try and discuss any of it though. He will guilt you into staying. Work out exactly what you want and how to accomplish it then tell him once the balls are rolling would be my advice. I also told my family and a couple of close friends that I was breaking up with him and why to help me have the guts to see it through. Tough but oh so worth it! Good luck with the phone call. Don’t feel bad about not running for the hills. I had about 7 times when I could have run and I got all the way to engaged and trying on wedding dresses before I ran for the hills.

[livingonaprayer]

Hi! Ive got to say i have read alot of post on here but my god this just hits the nail on the head! Everything u have all said is exactly like my situation was! I say was as i left recently! It took me a long time to realise i was in a relationship that was so wrong! Its like reading my own mind. Womens aid made me realise i wasnt going mad and i wasnt being petty or silly my thoughts and feelings were justified! I love sitting on my own planning what i will eat, shopping for myself and my child and seeing and speaking to whoever i want about whatever i want anytime i want!! Keep reading posts on this site its so helpfull!! Keep positive! Xx

[livingonaprayer]

Oh and also u can try and try to make them see that the things they say or do or how they react are wrong or they’re overstepping bounderies, whatever you say they will scoff at or roll they’re eyes like your mad! Ignore them! Its about how they want to control every situation and you and talking will get u nowhere! Trust yourself and definately talk to close trusted friends or family!! Put the effort into making yourself happy not them. Xx

[Tiffany]

Yes, oh yes livingonaprayer. I had the ‘this is not working and this is what I think we should do about it’ conversation about once a month for YEARS. I got b****y good at it. In the start I would get wrong footed by his aggressive reaction, become incoherent and be dismissed. I started planning the conversations in my head so I had them clear: He would fixate on a single detail which was unfair to him and thus negated my entire argument. I started writing down all the things I wanted to go over so we didn’t get stuck on a minor topic and edited it relentlessly so that nothing could be misinterpreted: He told me I was abusive and controlling. Every conversation basically ended the same way – with me in tears apologising and promising to try and be a better girlfriend. The only one that went differently was ‘I’m leaving and there is nothing that you can say which will change this’. He tried everything to try and change my mind, but we were in public so he couldn’t intimidate me in the same way. And I didn’t have to go home with him so I didn’t have to try and appease him.

[Janedoeissad]

I’m still amazed so many people have related to my situation.

I honestly thought some of it was normal and we were just arguing. Then I realised I never ever won and most episodes ended with me apologising or promising to try harder.

Also, how did/does your partner talk about their ex? My partner makes talks about the fact they fought a lot and she was always demanding and unreasonable (if he’s in a good mood he’ll say they were both as bad as each other)….really think she may have had the same treatment as me. She was with him a lot longer than me.

Did you find yourself having moments of complete denial? In the last few days I’ve been battling with myself. I find myself having thoughts like “he just gets grumpy and that’s ok” and “he’s never hit you so he’s not really abusive”,”he should be allowed to say if he isn’t happy with something you’ve done” and worst of all “even if you don’t see your family or friends as often as you like, at least he does let you see them”. He LETS me see them!?!?? I should be free to do what I please. What the hell are these thoughts all about??

[Tiffany]

I still have those thoughts now. Part of my brain still speaks with his voice. I am getting better at recognising it now. Sadly one’s brain is perfectly happy to say ‘he only hit you once and it wasn’t that bad’ and ‘he won’t do it again’ even after he gets violent. He would explain that he hadn’t hit me hard and that it was for a reasonable reason and I would apologise for that too. Writing this makes me realise that this actually happened. The act of dv that I recognised was really specific and I didn’t want to write it on the forum as he could identify me from it. So I subbed in hitting, and as I wrote I realised that actually he had hit me multiple times. Never hard enough to bruise, but quite hard enough to scare. I apologised for overreacting almost every time. Your brain shuts down these memories because it can’t deal with the trauma.

[Mimosa]

Where do these men come from?! This all sounds like bits from my life. The control is so intense. I just said i had to get some basic stuff from the shop, he wouldn’t let me go! He went!! Everything is my fault, my failing, if only things were ‘insert whatever demand’…. for HIM!! I must never get cross, be upset, be affectionate, not want sex!! I had some wonderful feedback on a piece of work I’d done. But I can’t tell the man I live with (cant say husband anymore!) becos best case he will say so what, but be thinking how dare I have this acknowledgement despite the constraints he’s put on me. Worse case he’ll make me pay for it all weekend at least and he’s stroppy enough as it is! But in my head I am done with it all. He doesn’t know.

[Janedoeissad]

Hi Mimosa

I’m sorry you are not in an environment were you can get the praise you are due when you achieve something. I tend to hide my achievements from my other half as I’ve learnt if I say too many he gets agitated. I tell other people though, those who I know will give me a virtual high five because you know what? I deserve it!! Just as you do. There have been key events which celebrate some of my achievements and he has not attended.

My guy is the opposite to yours in some ways. I will offer to go out and get something he says he fancies of an evening but always says he would not do the same for me! He will let me go to the shops and things as lets be honest, its for his benefit.

I am with you on being sick and tired of it all, the questions I keep asking myself is, what am I going to do about it? The only persons who is keeping me there is me in reality. I just need to work through any fear, obligation or guilt I feel first.

I am being kind to myself in the meantime.

[Tiffany]

Janedoissad,I just wanted to let you know that I felt hugely guilty when I left, and that my anxiety levels went through the roof. The only bit I managed to ditch before I left was the obligation. I clung to that. I repeated ‘he isn’t my responsibility, I have to look after myself’ almost like a mantra. The guilt and fear, especially the fear still dog me. It’s probably going to take some serious counselling to sort me out completely although time is helping. But I don’t think I could even have started to reach this point without leaving. Don’t let your desire to leave neatly without causing further strife hold you where you are. Reasonable break-ups with an abuser are impossible. I read this line somewhere just before I left, I’m afraid I don’t remember where and I am having to paraphrase as I don’t remember the exact words, but it really helped me. ‘When we end our relationships with our abusers we want them to react reasonably. Remember, they didn’t act reasonably within the relationship, there is therefore little chance that they will react reasonably when you end things. Don’t let your desire to end things nicely stop you from getting out.’ Hope this helps. Xx

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you Tiffany, I really think I thought that I could get an nice easy clean cut from him as soon as the timing was right. I am so organised in my work life that I thought I could organise this to work with as little kick off as possible. I think I still believe I can reason with him…when clearly that is not the case.

I think I need to have a serious think about the fact that no time will be right and there will always be fall out. To add insult to injury, I have never dumped anyone, ever!! All my previous relationships have ended amicably and I am still friends with all my ex’s. I think this will definitely not be the case with this one!

[KIP.]

Hey Jane, I talked my ex into a ‘trial separation’ telling him it would benefit us both and we would keep seeing each other and it would make us stronger blah blah blah. Just to get him to leave….. once he’s gone and you’re safe you can then get rid of him much easier x they are most dangerous when we try to leave them.

[Janedoeissad]

Kip I would love to hear what you said to convince him. My fella would smell a rat immediately and accuse me of wanting to leave.

Plus I have 2 pets here with me which are mine, and I ain’t leaving them here and he would get more suspicious if I took them with me. He has literally no where to go so I couldn’t temporarily chuck him out.

[KIP.]

I found my ex a flat with a six month lease. Promised him nights of intimacy just like in the beginning of our relationship. Worked out how we could afford it. Told him the break of living together would make us stronger and we could have date nights. I’d be up at the flat more often than not. It’s amazing when you’re desperate just how manipulating you can be. His behaviour was off the scale including running over a pet cat to wipe the smile off my face. The thing is for those six months he returned to Mr Wonderful. This was before I knew anything about domestic abuse and the cycle of abuse and he hoovered me right back up. You’re much wiser than I was 🙄

[Tiffany]

I did the same as KIP but with a shorter trial. I was the one who moved though and I think it really helped to be out of what had become quite a triggering environment. I found myself dreading the weekends and looking for any excuse to avoid coming into the house (which I had loved when we moved in). So when he started piling on the pressure for me to move back before the trial was even over it was much easier to escape. I wasn’t so much manipulative as firm though. In an I am doing this and you can’t stop me way. I really was trying to make things work though. So glad I stepped away to realise that I couldn’t.

[Author]

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