Stressed and confused

[Alone]

Aaaarrgghhh I am so frustrated right now I just want to scream!

I went to the doctor today about the damage to my nose. I mentioned in another post that my nose has been becoming damaged, there are two possible causes, stress and exhaustion or the mouldy/damp room I live in. I didn’t discuss my living situation, but I saw a GP I have never seen before, and he was actually really nice. The last time I went to the doctors my tale of familial abuse was disbelieved, and I was sent away without help and support.

Anyway, this doctor says that I am suffering stress and exhaustion due to overworking since my mum died. I am ignoring the fact she has gone and not dealing with it at all. Which apparently explains my memory loss, poor concentration and physical symptoms as well. I’ve been so ashamed of myself, but I am going to pluck up the courage to speak to my employers over the weekend, and tell them what’s going on in relation to my health and bereavement (not the abuse). The doctor wanted to give me a few weeks off both jobs, but as I was very honest in admitting I am afraid to stop, he doesn’t want to take away my focus, my reason to get up in the morning.

I’m aware that this won’t come across in my usual style of writing, but I am feeling very stressed, I have just had an abusive situation with my brother, my head is pounding from the meds I am having to put in my nose, and instead of screaming back at him, I am typing here instead.

He is really driving me mad, I really can’t take it. The things he says and does are massive red flags, it is practically text book abuser behaviour! It’s so text book that it is confusing me…

I keep finding myself wondering if he’s the one who was actually behind my mum abusing me? Does he know what he is doing? I’ve just had him telling me I’m mentally ill, I’ve noticed that everything I say to him, he throws back at me, and usually in front of others. I told him what he is doing is abuse, and then in front of a relative he calls me an abuser. He makes horrible one line comments such as calling me mentally ill, then when I get upset and try to respond he goes completely quiet, and occasionally says “see!”

He then later points out that because he spoke quietly and I was the one who got loud and upset, that the neighbours will back him up that I am abusing HIM! I literally can’t take this, he is really screwing with my head. I have just worked nine days in a row, I am sick and feeling dizzy and needing rest. I went to show him something amusing on my meds, and end up being called mentally ill, amongst other things. I am not strong enough to deal with this, I have had too much thrown at me in the last couple of years, the homelessness, bullying at work, abuse at home, my mum’s death… I’m at my limit and I can’t take the way he speaks to me, I just can’t work out what’s going on! He says that because my mum did it and so is he, that proves it’s my fault and not theirs. I think I’m losing the plot! I’m back to having this secret again, except I really don’t know if it’s me or him.

Clearly I am too upset to be thinking this through or writing, so I apologise for that. I just needed to remove myself from the situation and sitting writing it out was the only way I could think of!

xx

[KIP.]

Hey, well done to come on here. Arguing with an abuser will get you nowhere. As you know they twist reality. Rewrite history and make us ill with their abuse. Try to work on getting out. You have two jobs now, how about renting a room off someone nice? Things wont change with your brother and its time to put yourself first x

[Serenity]

Hi Alone,

Sorry you’re still suffering and having to deal with abusive behaviour.

Look how far you’ve come. Your body is suffering, and that and your lifestyle needs urgent attention, but you’re able to speak up to the doctor about your worries, you’re able to see the links between your brother and mum’s behaviour and even join the dots, seeing him as instigator, and you have such strength to write here rather than engage in soul-destroying attempts to reason with him.

I can see a massive change in you.

I hope you will go from strength to strength, putting your own health first from now on.

[Confused123]

hi sweetie

sorry to hear about your injuries, like otherss have said i agree arguing with abusers is pointless, if u can consider do a house share or rent a room , will be so much better for your mind of peace,sending u hugs, have seen my ex b in law abuse his brother who was my ex, is unreal how family can break their siblings, keep reaching out to get help

[Alone]

Thank you so much for the replies. I was worried about posting when feeling so anxious!

I am still constantly questioning whether it is him or me. The fact that it has switched from my mum abusing me to my brother is a never ending question mark over everything!

I am again feeling very stressed and desperate. I am hiding somewhere at work writing this before I have to go back, and just holding everything in!

The last two days he has done nothing but threaten to evict me. In front of other family members even. There was laughter. I told them I am glad they find my situation entertaining, but that I am very stressed about it!

He lies about absolutely everything. I scrubbed something clean, and in front of others he claims he did it. Because I am so on edge I react immediately upset, then of course am coming across as the awful person he tells everyone I am. He constantly changes the amount I need to pay in rent, and then in front of others, threatens to evict me for underpayment!

I’ve checked with shelter today, and he is actually right that I have no legal rights to stay in the home. If he wants me out, I’ve got nothing. And he actively threatens me with this constantly!

He either texts me simple lies, for instance during a verbal argument will text the opposite of what he is saying. I will give a completely fake example, as we both do our own washing up. So if for example he was screaming at me that I hadn’t done the washing up, and I was replying it’s not my turn, or not my washing or whatever the response would be, he would verbally be aggressive and angry, but at the same time would send me a text saying something like “you agreed you would do the washing up all this week, why haven’t you done it?” Then when I read that and in shock respond verbally, he will say that the neighbours have heard me being upset and loud, that the text proves he said something innocent and make out I blew up over nothing! And now he’s even started recording me! He will say something, record my upset response and then stop recording to give his response and then start recording me again.

I honestly feel like I am going mad. I can’t take much more.. it’s been a couple of years of one thing after another and I literally do not have the strength for all of this anymore.

There’s more I could say, but I have to head back to work very shortly and just wanted to try to release a bit of that in the hopes I won’t burst into tears!

xx

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Im so glad u have us on here to chat , your brother is being abusive, reminds me exactly of my ex b in law, have u spoken to the housing dept at council and see if they can offer u anything, i think if u havent already you need to call help line and get support to find alternative accomodation. I read your post and it brings tears to my eyes how this brother of yours is bringing u so down and ripping your self esteem down, the sooner u are away from him u will progress so much, could u consider going into a refgue, so sad the rest odf family find it amusing, again this a reflection of them not u , slowly your strongness is coming out , get help, make a plan and leave, seriously consider getting a room only in house share

[Author]

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