Stressed out

[Lightning-Jet]

Unfortunately for me, I am in financial difficulty due to my other half being so irresponsible with money and so argumentative with creditors.
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I have been to the National Debtline and spoken to a local Debt advice team, income/expenditure done, but still the creditors are refusing the reasonable/sustainable offers.
All of this on top of the issues at home is taking its toll on me and my health is suffering massively.
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I’m struggling to deal with all the stress. Obviously my other half isn’t bothered even though its all his fault in the first place.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know I need to get out before it gets any worse. But I don’t know how to even start. He constantly chips away at me and makes it so difficult for me to approach him to talk about things.

I can’t sleep properly, I eat to make myself feel better & then hate myself for it.
I’m just so fed up 🙁

[lover of no contact]

Hi L-J,

The financial abuse on top of all the other abuse is very hard to cope with it. I know that feeling of trying to ‘fix’ the financial debt and it becomes a bottomless pit. We just can’t fix it. That’s because the abuser knows them being in debt bothers us. Funny how they (the abusers) don’t mind being in debt. They don’t lose a night’s sleep over it.

My abuser chose to be in debt to control and upset me. I spent years paying off his huge debt, exhausting myself (he liked this then I was easier to control) only to have him incur more huge debt.

I realized one day that him being in debt was a strategic act on his part. He knew what he was doing. Running up debt was done on purpose.

I had to allow the debt in our lives. I stopped trying to fix it. I realized that being in debt was his pattern. Although I am now separated from him, his debt will still affect me in the future but I try not to worry about that. Now I have separated some of my finances from his. I had to learn to not pay off the debts that he had incurred and let him deal with the people he owed money to. That was hard to do. I’m used to sorting things out. I’m a fixer by nature.

At the moment (detail removed by Moderator) institutions are chasing him for money. Some of these letters have my name on it it. I choose to ignore the ones I can and let him deal with them. It was his choices and irresponsibility that led him into the debt position. Without him I have never been in debt.

Their financial abuse can really affect our health. I would advise you to ring Women’s Aid and talk through your feelings around the’ money stress’. Keep posting on here. There is hope. I was where you were so affected by the financial mess we were in due to his handling of money. (He knew this caused me distress that’s why he made sure he never sorted the debt out, or when I sorted it he would just run up more debt). But now I can live my life on a day to day basis and remain fairly detached about it.

Only yesterday I received an email from another institution that money is owing and this will affect my child if not eventually sorted. But I was surprised how far I’ve come and I did not let it affect my day. He can deal with the institution. I refuse to do it. I will not pick up the pieces for him. I will not clean up his financial mess. If I step back and don’t fix it my abuser will get another family member to do it. They can do it. I can no longer fix his financial messes or it will make my life unmanageable.

I find prayer helps me. I will pray that my son will not be affected by my husband’s refusal to pay and if I focus on myself and keeping my finances in order (which I can’t do if I pay my abuser’s debts) then things work out…eventually.

[Author]

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