Stressed

[Erin]

I just don’t know myself anymore. I feel so drained and I don’t know if I am just being dramatic.
My boyfriend and I have a odd relationship – it was verbally abusive in the past and things got quite dark – people got involved and we separated. We have a daughter so after court we did meet up again quite regularly and ended up (regrettably) getting back together too soon. Initially he seemed so sorry for everything and realised it was his fault things got so out of control. However as time passed he slipped really quickly into routine (but not abusive) and then had moved himself back in (detail removed by Moderator) months later. Things were ok but he started going back to his high expectations and temperamental behaviour. Nothing abusive – just tense. Lately he has started having verbal outbursts again (which I do cause inadvertently). I don’t know what to do – part of me wants to just leave but I am worried he would get access to our daughter that I cannot supervise. He wants to get married, get a house, have another kid – on a completely different page to me. He doesn’t seem to take on board my feelings. I feel like I need to more time, more space to just work my head around this relationship but I do not know how to tell him this – I tried to tell him a couple of weeks ago that I was not happy in the relationship but the makes me feel guilty for breaking his time with his daughter, not having her interests at heart and dramatic – saying I make it all about me and I don’t think of how I have impacted his life.

I feel I have no one to turn to discussing this- my family have no idea we are back together and still don’t know – they would be so worried if they did. I have lost touch with friends.

I feel so trapped – I need time. I need space. How do I tell him this without hurting him?

[abcxyz]

I am wising up to the fact that we need to be as honest as we can (once we feel strong enough) and if he can’t respect your feelings then he’s not the right person to be with anyway. I think we all tiptoe around not wanting to hurt their feelings, but think about the damage you are doing to yourself. Hope you find an answer xx

[WalkerInTheRain]

Listen to your instincts.
Marriage, mortgage and more kids won’t change him and, in reality, his behaviour will get worse and you’ll feel even more trapped. He has already demonstrated he can’t change.
He’ll be upset for a while (or do a very good wounded animal routine).
He’s not listening to your concerns and I get the impression he didn’t respect your boundaries when he crept back into your life.
Can you confide in your family? Would they help you extricate yourself from the relationship?

[Serenity]

Marriage, mortgage, kids…all trap you if you are with a controlling man.

I am concerned that you say you inadvertently cause his outbursts. If you don’t do it on purpose, then this self-blame sounds worrying. An abuser is responsible for his own actions. X*x

[Erin]

It feels so hard to think about letting go.

A lot of me is worried he will get access to our daugther – I think is it better to be with him and always with her or to be apart from him and be without her for hours at an end?

I am just so drained, living with him is exhausting. What mood is he going to be in? I question myself as to if he is over senstitive or I am hurtful.

[KIP.]

Erin, have you contacted your local women’s aid. They were fantastic and helped me out. He’s controlling you through guilt. Abuse always gets worse. You say that you just don’t know yourself anymore. He’s messing with your head x

[Erin]

I have but I did not find them so helpful to be honest – the lady kept telling me that I have to make my mind up what to do and I just don’t know! When kids are involved it is so difficult :'(

[Serenity]

I think you are being kept immobilised and trapped by believing him when he says it is your fault.

Abusers always blame others. They never accept responsibility.

It took me many months to fully register and to accept this. He kept me for years because I believed I was to blame. Xx

[Ayanna]

You have obviously serious concerns and they are very valid.
Do not get married when you have such concerns.
You need to trust your sixth sense and not go against it.
Also, do not get financially entangled with him.

If you are scared to tell him the truth be evasive. Just say you do not like the idea of getting married and it is not necessary, it is just a piece of paper, a.s.o. until you know what you want to do.

The best way to deal with an abusive man is to just get out when he is not at home.
He will not understand when you talk to him and abuse gets worse when you want to leave.

Have a good think what you want from your life. Imagine yourself living with this man for the next ten years. How does this make you feel? Does it make you feel anxious, concerned, unhappy?
Then you know that you need to get out.

Do not think you have to stay because you have a child together.
The child will suffer a lot when you are unhappy.

Collect evidence why he is dangerous for your child before you leave him.

What is the best decision for yourself and then for your child?
Living in an abusive relationship is not an alternative. You deserve a life free from abuse. Abusers do not change, they become worse the longer the relationship lasts.

[Jennaflorrie]

Erin you sound so much like me…years ago, when my children were young. And I wish I WISH I had left. My daughter is an adult now and has depression, she is on tablets. But she is getting stronger.

The wounded animal routine…..I know that one very well. Sad eyes. The Guilt. He only loves me…only me….Only I can save him. But its not true. Life is about them. Not about you. They are centred on what they want and charm us….like spiders lure us into that web. Time and time again….they wait in the shadows until we are in the web.

Don’t get married and be evasive. Better to be by yourself then lonely in a miserable marriage. And no house, no lovely garden, no nice holidays….none of it will make you happy if you live with apsycho.

[Author]

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