Stressful and frustrating family Christmas

[SunshineRainflower]

I am feeling quite low. I know most people here are dealing with partner abuse but I am struggling again with my family, in particular my mother and brother.

I stopped speaking to my parents earlier this year as I realised that a lot of their behaviour was similar to my ex such as lying, boundary invading, gaslighting, minimising, denying, blame-shifting as well as the fact that for the past few years my dad had been looking at me in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, like a sort of sexual way looking at my body to the extent that I wore baggy clothes in their company.

Then my mum suddenly decided to sell the house where we were all living so I had to find somewhere to rent and having no job they were my guarantors so we started speaking again.

They were helpful when I moved in my house and helped me clean it and have obviously helped me hugely financially and brought me round food this week when I was too ill to go to the shop. I thought we were getting on better but yesterday reminded me why I stopped speaking to them. I went on a walk with my dad which was ok (he has some dementia now and has mellowed and I don’t see him looking at me so that helps) and the meal was ok but after that things went downhill. My brother was cheerful for the meal but then returned to his usual moody, sullen default mode. I feel like I’m treading on eggshells around him, I never know when he will bite my head off, scold, chastise or blame me for some apparent crime. He went out to see a friend after dinner and asked if I’d be there when he returned to which I said yes. But when he returned he just ate then went back to ‘his room’ which is the spare room in my parent’s new place. He just lay in there on the bed on his phone ignoring us all for hours on Christmas day acting like a moody teenager, as if we are so unbearable that he can’t be in the same room as us for more than an hour.

Meanwhile my mum tried to subtly and not so subtly control me the whole day. She kept saying that I looked ill/tired/too hot and kept bringing up about how we needed a plan for today (which is the day of the extended family party in a different city). I just wanted to relax and watch tv for a few hours then go home but it was like she had to ruin it. Earlier this year she had told me she could give me money to buy a (detail removed by moderator) as they made a good amount from their house sale. Without looking at me when I brought it up yesterday she backtracked and said they’d need it to decorate their new place. I never asked for this money, she offered it so it felt mean and unsettling for her to suddenly change her mind and also not apologise for going back on her word. But what scares me most is they have also offered me money to buy a house. I badly need this money because I am scared I can’t afford to keep renting so it would be a life saver for me. But obviously now I’m scared she will backtrack and I’ll be stuck where I am renting unable to afford it and get evicted and end up homeless. I told her I was scared and she chastised me for thinking so low of her/said she was upset I’d even think that but of course I’d think that when she has shown repeatedly that she lies and goes back on her word. My ex used to behave in a similar way.

I am so glad I don’t live with them anymore because it was driving me nuts. No wonder I have been in 3 abusive relationships, I am so used to be controlled, lied to, bullied, gaslighted and manipulated, I only just realised this was happening this year.

She even refused to turn down the heating despite it being boiling and it making me feel ill, but kept pointing out how I didn’t look well! She also tried to manipulate me into leaving early, I just wanted to relax and all day she was just trying to boss and bully and control me.

With regret I have stayed home today and am missing the extended family party. There is only cousin and one auntie I like and I feel sad not to be able to see them. But my chest is congested and I am worried I will get ill again after being in bed all week if I have to deal with several family members unpredictable, emotionally abusive, crazymaking, infuriating behaviour (some of my cousins are cocky also love mocking, teasing, putting me down etc)

I feel like I’ll be ok if I can just figure out how to support me and my cat. I think I need some positive affirmations:

‘I am a financially independent adult’
‘I can look after and support myself and my cat financially and otherwise’
‘I am a capable and resourceful person and I will survive’

[duvetday]

Hi SunshineRainflower,
So sorry to hear you’re feeling low and that things have been so hard and frustrating with your mum and other family members….I can really relate. Must be hard with the financial situation too 🙁 I think your affirmations are great 🙂 hope you have a relaxing day away from the family. Have lots of cat cuddles 😀 x

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you duvetday,

I just feel really sad mostly, that I don’t have a normal healthy family. It has been falling apart for years with my brother’s aggressive moody outbursts, my dad looking at me in a way that makes me want to disappear, my mum’s lying, controlling exhausting behaviour. I feel sad as I always used to believe I was lucky and had a good family. I’m so scared of being alone. I hope I can survive, I would prefer to kill myself than end up homeless and I’d just have to find a loving carer for my cat, the thought of which breaks my heart as I never want to lose her.

A few years ago I was really ill with flu and had a high fever and was vomiting for over a week, couldn’t hold food down and I lost my voice. I woke up each morning drenched in sweat and lost half a stone in a week. Living alone, how can I survive if I get that ill again? I guess I can use online grocery shopping to order in supplies but it scares me and makes me feel sad thinking of dealing with that alone.

And I hate the way there is so much pressure at Christmas to have this happy family time. The best time I had this week was hanging out in my cosy lounge with my cat watching Christmas films. Maybe next year that is what I should do, and just tell my parents I’ll see them another day, it just feels sad and I worry that I’ll end up a complete recluse, a weird old spinster with zero support network (none of my old friends wished me happy Christmas either, I have lost touch with them this year, they always seem so annoyed at me for some reason or other.) I am exhausted with my so called friends and family being being so passive aggressive like this – acting annoyed with me yet never telling me why.

[duvetday]

Ah sorry you’re feeling so sad. I’m not good at all with dealing with that emotion, I don’t know about you.. :/ and especially around family stuff.
It can feel so so hard to accept when things aren’t actually how we thought they were or how we would like them to be..
I have the same thing when i think about dealing with being ill on my own.. It’s scary and really tough to get thru by yourself. But you’ll be able to do it. It’ll just be a different experience than when you were living with your family. I do get it tho, you want to have someone there when you’re ill. I bet your cat picks up on when you’re not feeling so well. If only cats could make us dinner and cups of tea tho hehe.. 😉
The pressure to be all happy with your family at Xmas time is very real and can make you feel bad when you don’t have that option. I think definitely spend the day doing what you want to do, even if that means being by yourself next time. Who knows where you’ll be at next year, maybe you’ll have connected with someone who you spend it with, or maybe you’ll just want to be by yourself.
Sorry to hear your friends didn’t get in touch. That must feel rubbish. Hope things feel easier soon x

[Tiffany]

Christmas can be hugely stressful, and if a day at home with your cat would make you happy then that is absolutely fine. You are an incredibly resourceful woman SunshineRainflower, and you will absolutely find a way to be entirely independent from your family if you need to be. Renting is stressful, but it is obviously better for you than living with your parents. Try not to worry about homelessness. You are not at risk yet!

On the illness fear, try to keep some emergency meals in the freezer. Online grocery shopping is also an option as is ordering takeaways. Not a long-term solution, but if you are too ill to cook it works short term. Worst comes to the worst, GP’s do do home visits, as do nurses or you end up being cared for in hospital.

I was scared of losing the support of my abuser, but my life is better without him and I need less help. You might find this too, even though financial help would be good to have.

Also, don’t worry about being a weird old spinster. You are obviously an introvert and enjoy time on your own and in your own space. This doesn’t mean that no one will like you. You are self aware and kind and compassionate, good traits in a friend. Look after yourself and friendships will come.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi SunshineRainflower,
So sorry to hear you’re struggling. Such a difficult combination of problems too. Without the support of your family and friends, without money on top of dealing with your emotions and physical illness- really hard! It sounds so exhausting! Don’t worry about wanting to be alone with your cat for a while. Take some time out for you. When you’re feeling stronger you can think about going out and making new friends, joining clubs etc. Take care of you, don’t worry about being alone when you’re ill, just phone the NHS helpline for advice or ask your GP for a home visit. Look the numbers up and put them into your phone. You can do this. Phone the citizens advice bureau for advice about your financial worries. Above all, keep reminding yourself you are worth it, you deserve to be happy and you can never please everyone so it’s what you want that’s important. You have already found the strength to leave your abuser, you’re probably just a bit rundown and exhausted. Pamper yourself! Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to recover a little. There’s nothing wrong with us, we’re just nice people, kind and good women living in a horrible world full of horrible people who believe they are always right. Trust yourself. You know what you need, and a little of what you fancy does you good 😊

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks everyone. I have that feeling in my chest and stomach you get when you are heartbroken. I think this situation with my family is breaking my heart. I just want them to be loving and kind and not do all this negative upsetting stuff. I have no one else.

Today not one of my family or extended family texted or messaged me on social media to say ‘sorry to hear that you’re ill, we missed you today, happy christmas’ or something similar, I heard nothing from any of them. Maybe my instinct about not going today was right. I used to live with one of my cousins and she was there today, I would’ve thought she would’ve got in touch but to be honest earlier this year she ignored my phone calls then kept saying she’d ring me back and didn’t.

I feel like everyone hates and I can’t get on with people. Soon I will have no friends at all, no family, no support and be totally alone. It feels unbearable. I rang Samaritans and spoke to someone really nice, they are going to ring me later to check on me which I thought was so kind of them especially given all the people who must be suicidal at this time of year.

I feel like how can I move on and build a new support network when I can’t even make or maintain new friendships? Two new friends I made this year in groups started ignoring me, one started ignoring me when I told her about my abusive relationship, it seemed to freak her out and she obviously couldn’t handle it, and the other just stopped replying to my messages, possibly because I fell out with the manager of a counselling place because she was angry that I wanted to change counsellors and this woman adores this manager like a mother so must have sided with her.

My outreach worker got impatient with me over the summer and basically said that it must be me if I keep having problems with people. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am just being normal, being myself and this year people have repeatedly got angry with me and started ignoring me without telling me why. For years I mostly relied on my family for support but now I am struggling to cope with their behaviour I am so worried about the future.

[Tiffany]

I don’t want to belittle your experience, as I know how hard it is to make friends after abuse, but I wanted to share something I have noticed about myself. During my years of abuse I internalised that the way people treated me was my fault – if someone was mean to me it was because of something I had done. Obviously this is a behaviour encouraged by abusers because it helps us believe that we deserve the behaviour we experience from then. The thing is that other people live complex lives. Sometimes you offend people and they stop talking to you. Sometimes they go through a bad patch and are embarrassed at how long it has been since they were in touch so it gets harder and harder to reach out. Some people are mean and abusive, but others are forgetful or busy. I had a friend who was close with me and an old ex. She was an absolute rock to me through some tough times, but when I broke up with him she vanished from my life. I thought this was because she was upset with me for hurting him, I was sure that my actions had triggered her reaction. Many years later, when she heard through mutual friends that I had been abused and left him she reached out to me. It turned out that her best friend from childhood had committed suicide at the time when my ex and I broke up, and that was the reason she fell out of contact with all her friends. It was only years later that she felt able to reach back out and explain. Basically what I am trying to say is don’t assume that your lack of friends at the moment are any reflection upon you.

You are an introvert and enjoy your own company a lot of the time, so try and embrace that element of your life, and when you feel a bit stronger try reaching out again, to old friends or to new groups where you might find friends. Things will come together eventually, I promise. You just have to keep trying. (I say this as a woman who has invited an entire group of friends round twice in a fortnight and have either been blanked or had a polite refusal from the entire group both times! – I conclude Christmas isn’t the time for this venture…)

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Tiffany. I know what you are saying, but I think in my particular case, with most of my friends this isn’t happening, I think that really the friendships are toxic and are way past their sell by date for the most part, I only reconnected with a lot of these old friends because I was super lonely, but they havent treated me with kindness, consideration or respect for years which is why I stopped hanging round with them in the first place. I also feel like there are too many people this year who have gone from my life for it to be a coincidence, they can’t all be going through a bad time can they? It must be me. I am mainly just sad because my life as I have known it is crumbling, I think it probably needed to crumble because it was full of toxic people and unhealthy dynamics but even so it is very scary and I feel very alone because these dynamics have always felt so safe and familiar to me.

What you describe does perhaps apply to one friend is is kind and non-toxic, she is now married and have nephews and is about to give birth herself. She told me she couldn’t meet up this Christmas like we usually do, not because she was too heavily pregnant, but because she was ‘busy with friends and family’ even though we had agreed to save a weekend to meet up. That hurt, and made me realise that she is inevitably drawing away into her new life which is very full now. I am happy for her, she deserves it, but I perhaps have a tinge of frustration about it because at university where we met she never had a boyfriend whereas I did, so it feels sad and strange that she is now the married one with her own family while I am floundering alone. Still, she is a really good person so I’m not surprised, she is very calm and stable and this will have enabled her to maintain her job, her relationship etc while I have had breakdowns, lost jobs, lost a lot of friends, ended up with abusive men etc.

I feel like the universe is probably clearing away what needs to be cleared away for me to have a fresh start, but that feels extremely sad at the same time, especially if it means my family. I have sometimes wondered this year if I have been in denial about them for a long time. I tried to blank my dad’s creepy looks for years, tried to appease my brother who is prone to aggressive, cruel outbursts, and seen my mum’s controlling behaviour as love. What you said about how you feared losing your abuser struck a chord, sometimes I wonder if I am fearful of losing my mum’s support because she has made herself my main support? She often takes over and does things for me which I am initially grateful for but then feel like a useless child who still needs looking after who lacks the skills and maturity of my peers, perhaps due to her still treating me like a child? I definitely noticed that my brother is a lot like my ex. Moody and sullen, will snap at me suddenly and shame/scold me for some apparent crime. He acts like this saint and like I am this rubbish/lazy/selfish/spoilt/disappointing sister/daughter. I still feel very confused about them. Feel like I need to talk to a really good counsellor who understands this sort of dynamic (I’m wondering if I am in a n**********c household with my mum as the n********t, my dad as the enabler and my brother as the golden child/second n********t and me as the scapegoat). Certainly my mum uses a lot of blame shifting, denying, I’ve caught her lying about big and small things, word salad, confusion, playing the victim etc.

Yes I am a big introvert, which is a blessing at times like this. Not into big parties and loudness but would like a few good kind friends to meet for cups of tea, chats, have meals together etc. I guess I can be my own best friend for now, and keep looking after and loving myself, and hope that by doing that good people will start to come into my life. I read in a few places that after abuse it’s common to lose a lot of friends, and see that you are surrounded by n*********s, maybe that is what is happening in this case.

[Tiffany]

Yes, sometimes everything has to fall apart in order to rebuild. This year I lost my fiance, my flat, my garden and my dream job. But all of that put me in the position I am in now. Even though I am back at my parents I feel more independent than I have for years as I have no abuser controlling my life. It’s terrifying when you first walk away from it – I didn’t believe that I could make descisions for myself. But actually I can and have made descisions that gave brought me to a much better place.

Does it help to think that you lose the friends that you need to lose and that those who are meant to be in your life will reappear? I find that helps me. I think you are right in thinking that this is a good time to practice being your own best friend. Take yourself out to do things you enjoy, or stay in and treat yourself as you would a friend who was visiting – nice cups of tea and snacks, or my favourite doing some crafting while watching a film. Your life will come back together. You could maybe make something for your pregnant friend or her new baby. She sounds like someone who will be back in your life – she may have double booked herself this December- pregnancy causes brain fog. But even if she drifts away, I have never regretted giving a gift to a baby! And as things come back together for you I am sure that friends will come too!

[Author]

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