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Chocolatebun, Your’re not alone, my ex was constantly doing this to me. It was usually about his debts and family. Looking back I don’t know why I felt guilty as it was really nothing to do with me. I ended up paying a lot of his debts off, stupid now I know, but when your’re in that situation you would do anything to make it right again and make him “like you again”. I stuck up for myself and even thought I was right, he made me feel I was wrong.
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Oh yes!! Me, me me. Right here, right now. My partner has just gone through a bereavement and has just treated me like a piece of s**t. He has stormed out of the room, throwing things on the way, because I asked him to stop bossing me about. He didn’t like that. I guess he’s gone to bed and I hope he’ll be asleep when I go up otherwise I’ll get a lecture on how insensitive I am and don’t I realise what he’s going through. Because, presumably, if I did I would do as I was told.
I won’t enter into dialogue. Because I will just get a torrent of abuse and a rundown of all the reasons why I am useless. I shall just let it go.
Actually in a way I’m glad because it’s just a reminder that I shouldn’t feel sorry for him and that I WILL LEAVE. -
Just to add to my post above… if I now went up, and even if I didn’t actively raise the subject with him, I think he would say to me, you don’t realise how stressful everything has been etc, my only option would be to say yes, you’re right, I’m sorry, I am worthless. If I tried rationally to say to him, I don’t see how the stress you’re going through justifiés you treating me like s**t, he’d say to me that’s your problem, you don’t see, you just don’t get it, do you? You don’t understand what it’s like for ME ME ME ME ME ME.
So yes, Chocolatebunnie, so very much on the same page as you. But I know that guilt trip is about to happen so I’m not going to put myself in a position where it can.
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Yup, was chatting to another person on here only last week with the same problem; and yes I have experienced this too; it’s like he thinks it gives him more of an excuse to behave how he likes and step it up. Thing is, stressed or not he is still abusive – but worse when stressed.
I’m not with my ex but we have a child, I noticed a pattern a while ago, that when his life is running along ok – we’re ok – but when it’s not – that’s when the sh!t hits the fan for us too – as we get pulled in along with everyone else in his life. It’s like if he’s drowning we can get pulled down with him if we can’t get out of the way x
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So v much yes! I never understood him, never kind enough, just never enough. He had a drugs problem which he made out to be my fault as well. Luckily I managed to get out but he still continues to harass me, to guilt trip me as he’s now living in a hostel. Just wish I never met him. So yes, you’re not alone!
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I was with my ex for (detail removed by moderator) and our life was always very chaotic, unpredictable and stressful, due to bad business and financial decisions he made and the constant pressure he put us under to keep working and trying to make money (I also think the pressure and amount I had to do was his way of preventing me from seeing friends and family and having a life outside of the relationship). He blamed every issue we had in our relationship on the stress we were under, and his justification for his behaviour was that everything he did was for the family, not for him, and every decision he made and the way he acted was to keep everything going for the family. When I left he said that nothing every justified breaking the family up and that all he was doing was working hard to give us a stable life and he was almost there. I think that is part of the reason I stayed for so long, because he told me he was just trying to keep us afloat, even though his actions told a different story. It made me feel guilty and responsible, and as though I had to stay with him and keep working towards a shared goal, even if we’d never reached it. I think it can definitely make you feel guilty x
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New start I could have written what you have just written!
That guilt has and still does pull on my heart strings, because that’s all I ever wanted too. But I have to keep telling myself that families everywhere struggle yet they can still be happy. He lies, cheats and calls me hideous names, is unaffectionate and crude not to mention angry and controlling! He paints this picture of how he dreamed we would live, yet he fails to see anyone else’s dream… mainly mine in that I couldn’t care less what we had as long as we were happy, and I’m not happy.
People like this love to blame their behaviour on anything else but themselves, and that is the difference, if his situation really was to blame, he would still be able to look inward at himself and try to address it. x
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Thank you Overcome. All I ever wanted was a family and I think he almost dangled this goal in front of me for years. He’d tell me that once we’d moved to a new area, got through a difficult year, sold the business etc everything would be okay, but it never was. I kept going because he told me we were working towards everything I’d ever wanted and dreamed about, a happy family. I finally realised that we’d never get there, no matter how hard I tried to make things work. When I left he told me he’d never forgive me for breaking up the family. In the end ‘the family’ became this oppressive idea that excluded everything and everyone else and my children and I were completely isolated. I’m certain he used what he knew I wanted against me, and to control me. Have you left? Are you in a better place now? I never imagined I’d be a struggling single mum but I’ve never, ever felt so happy and I have all I ever want: my children xx
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People are abusive because they choose to be. Stress and circumstances might coincidentally be present but thats life isn’t it! I had all the money stuff, blame, violence, harassment also and am currently leaving in the midst of an enormous family tragedy. Its very very hard and the guilty feelings run deep but my eyes are wide open and this forum has helped me so much with perspective. After decades of abuse, too, about everything as an excuse.
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I can relate to you all, but yep I think we are all tough, and I agree abuse and how we treat people is choice!
I know if I am stressed I want to be comforted or closeness never feel the need to be rude, hurtful etc etc.
It’s all part of the push and pull, the mind games and control. abusive people cannot handle emotions and the nearest will be blamed or used as a emotional dustbin.
Hugs to you all whether you still in this or have left it behind x
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