Stretched…

[iwillbeok]

so thin. Am barely holding it together. Worried about my children (am fairly sure my child has PTSD) – waiting to hear about counselling for her. Why does everything take so d**n long?! Worried for my son, spending so much time at his Dad’s & the influence (or lack there-of!) he’s under. How do you parent by text message?!

Worried about the divorce looming… What is that going to set off??

So, so tired but can’t sleep… numbing out on Youtube. Any drivel just to shut my brain up.Meantime the house looks like a bombsite. Washing the bare minimum to wear or cook with. Paying bills at the last possible second, or late even.

Self care? I have plans and then just blob. Takes too much effort to paint my nails or do a mask. Need to read books so I can fix my children… but cant face the pain. So not how i imagined the future when they were just babies…

Must go cook – even though food tastes like cardboard..

Thanks for letting me off-load… not sure if I’ll even press submit… who needs to hear my woes…

[iwillbeok]

Sorry.

Was feeling very sorry for myself. I’ve had a really good sob, got some lovely hugs from my daughter and watched some tv together.

No matter how wretched or lonely I feel now, I see that it is nothing like the wretchedness or lonliness I felt when he was here. I have been focussing on my children’s broken hearts and not really recognising my own…

I’m too scared to look at it, because I can’t not go on; my children need me, I need me! And I worry that if I look my heartbreak in the face so to speak that I’ll lose what I have gained so far…

But i know I need to lance this boil, this infection that he gave me. I need to let the pain out before I can heal. Oh, but it hurts! So bad! How?! How does someone hurt somebodylike this?! I just don’t get it!

Am being more gentle with myself now, hot chocolate and an early night…

Take care all

Xx

[Lightness]

iwillbeok

You’ve been through a lot. No wonder you feel like you do! It sounds like your body and mind are forcing you to take it easy so you can heal.
Things will get better. It takes time, but it’s worth it. One day at a time x

[iwillbeok]

Thanks Lightness,its like I know logically that this will take time. I’ll be doing okay and even happy for a while and then woosh – I’ll come crashing down! I just want to be done already and get on with my life 🙂

I think the initial fear and anger is giving way a little more now to the grieving process. When I was writing that first post it felt like my heart was going to split in two! I was thinking to myself about the damage he has done to my children and then a little voice (mine) said ‘and you’. And that was it, the floodgates opened.

There is relief in letting it all out, so feeling somewhat better now…

Goodnight x

[Serenity]

Hi there,

It can be totally overwhelming and anxiety-inducing to think about the enormity of it all.

Yes, there is a lot to sort out, but it can be done slowly, one day at a time. Go at a pace that is comfortable for you, and in the direction you want to go in. Don’t let anyone hurry you or try to make you do things that feel wrong to you. You’re entitled to your own power, and to do things on your way. I’m sure with advice, and your own intelligence and initiative, you will make decisions to get through this.

My kids both displayed dreadful trauma. My youngest is still a worry at times, but my eldest is so much better. Time, love and getting the right support means that healing can take place for all of you.

[Author]

Posts