Tagged: Life after abuse
- This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by
Un01ne.
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17th January 2024 at 9:35 am #165309
wildgeese
ParticipantI’m really grateful to have found this forum. I left my abuser (detail removed by moderator) Some days feel very difficult still despite the fact that I am free. It was definitely the best decision of my life but I feel that my progress is slow.
I moved to another part of the country and had to start from scratch. I left my job, my home, my community, my church, my dog and of course, my husband. Whilst I was going through the divorce and planning my new life, I was so busy with admin and finding somewhere to rent that I wasn’t so in touch with the reality of the great losses I was about to go through. After a long marriage, now I feel the harsh reality of what it means to start again, to be alone and the fear of trying to make ends meets. Being an older survivor and having had so many years of abuse, it’s easier to look back rather than look forward. (detail removed by moderator) It feels overwhelming and makes me anxious. I’ve started volunteering which I am enjoying but I still feel ashamed that I’ve got to my age and don’t have a career. I’m realising that it’s also not healthy to look too far ahead; when I can stay in the present things seem manageable. Strangely enough, the easiest time for me was when I was homeless with my two children as there was nothing expected of me, all I had to do was find somewhere to sleep each night. It forced me to only live in the present. I feel the pressure of having to be ‘normal’ again (job, friends, mental health, exercise) when another part of me knows that because of what’s happened I don’t feel ready.
I feel impatient to be happy again and frustrated that I am not yet.Due to my abusive childhood, I made the decision to cut contact with my parents and my siblings, neither of which have given me any support. (detail removed by moderator) I so wish I had a loving mother and father who would be able to support and understand what I have been through. Sometimes I feel very alone. I have a counsellor which helps, but I feel the lack of support. Luckily my two children are amazing and they also don’t want to see their father again and so I don’t have to have anymore contact with him.
I’d quite like to hear from other survivors who have left their abuser for (detail removed by moderator) I’d be interested to hear more about their journey and their struggles despite being free.
Thanks for reading my post. Thinking of fellow survivors today xx
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17th January 2024 at 10:14 am #165314
browneyedmum
ParticipantHi wildgeese!
I’m not free of my abuser yet, but I had a few thoughts and suggestions.
It is so easy to fall into the whole “survival mode” where a person does all the things to look after themselves practically, only to learn later perhaps they hadn’t looked at emotional things or other aspects to leading a happy life. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs comes to mind.
Also, it might be worthwhile for you to search this forum where I recently did a post all about finding new career opportunities in later age. (I think its in the Over 50s forum) There are more opportunities out there than many realise and sadly its more about getting into the right networks.
Like you, I am also estranged from my biological family and with good reason what with experiencing childhood abuse.
It is often terrifying to have to be your own rock. All the same, it can also be empowering, when you have no one else (but the children) to answer to. You can take ownership, succeed and be happy… I am certain of those things for myself. And if I can… so can anyone else. You can’t be brave without being scared.
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17th January 2024 at 11:16 am #165318
wildgeese
ParticipantThank you browneyedmum
Yes it is true, you cannot be brave without being scared. I shall keep trying to be positive even if my anxious thought try to say otherwise. It’s a battle of the mind, that’s for sure.
I shall check out your post about career opportunities for older women-
17th January 2024 at 1:21 pm #165323
browneyedmum
ParticipantThat sounds great!
Also, your GP can prescribe some nice anti-anxiety meds. I depend on mine quite a bit. There’s no shame in it because these are extra-ordinary circumstances where it might help in the short term.
Feel free to message me too, if that strikes you xX.
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17th January 2024 at 11:23 pm #165340
Anonymous
InactiveIt’s been a number of yrs since I left . I still struggle at times ,and although I don’t regret anything I still struggle .I like you had an abusive childhood then a long marriage of dv .I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to take each day as it comes. I have to try and be patient with myself.i lived yrs of abuse in some form or another.its not an overnight recovery.
The way I have o look at my life now is I’m free.and I see time as a healer.-
19th January 2024 at 7:06 pm #165389
wildgeese
ParticipantDear determinedtobehappy
Thanks for this.
Yes it’s so important to remember that it’s not an overnight recovery!
And every time I manage to do something new alone I should celebrate it.
Trying to take each day as it comes and not berating myself when I don’t have a good day or take a step backwards…
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25th January 2024 at 11:18 am #165543
StrongLife
ParticipantGood on you for volunteering, getting out and about and meeting others. Of my working life, volunteering is hard. It’s good but hard. I met a lot of people regularly. I stopped volunteering because of ex.
I understand life is difficult especially with “living”.
Good on you for getting out and leaving.
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26th January 2024 at 3:22 pm #165600
Un01ne
ParticipantHello, I am learning that becoming free is a process and that we need time to heal. My first problem were huge anxiety responses at the slightest thing. For example, somebody swatting a fly near me would reduce me to a gibbering wreck… I am using mindfulness and breathing exercises I learned many years ago in acting, and I also tried yoga, which helps. Now, over a year after I left my abusive marriage, the nightmares have started. Initially I was quite surprised that they had not come before. But I am now wondering whether this is because a lot of things had to be achieved, first, (divorce, finding a new home, new job, new life) before my mind could permit itself to face up to the trauma. The nightmares are awful, I keep dreaming about him hunting me, locking me up, chasing me. I am dreaming of desperately trying to hide, or get out of the house, or travelling across the entire country on the run from him. And mixed in with the terrible fear is also revulsion, the sense of desperately not wanting him near me because the thought of him even looking at me is utterly disgusting to me. I don’t know how long these will last, but I am hoping it is part of the healing process…
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