Struggling

[Ssss]

My kids are playing games with me.. they are actually making my life hell..they won’t do anything I ask them.. swearing at me constantly… I was outside in garden yesterday they are shouting out the window at me…mum mum mum…I go into another room they follow me… I go downstairs they are fighting upstairs or banging… I ask them to do anything they refuse… I say no internet and turn it off they turn it back on…they are up really late if I ask them to sort themselves out and at least go in their room they won’t.. I feel as though they are driving me out of my house..I have younger child.. who should not have to put up with this….they go in kitchen leave it a mess.. work is a relief..middle boy was kicking breaking things when I ask him to leave room so I asked him to go outside he refused I asked older one to put him out… he was claiming drain pipes trying to get back in banging on doors and windows.. I picked up a knife the other week to remove it off table they were sat at and now they laugh and say yes that’s when you tried to stab me with a knife… they call me she sometimes… oh what’s she doing now? Oh she’s crazy.. I feel like giving up… this is worse than ever…I am scared anxious and sickened…. I wake up with stomach pains and dread the day…I have no one they can go to.. I have been told if they have offended they can do something….at least with him I felt one day I would escape… I Carnt see an end to this…

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Ssss, I’m heartbroken for you that you are going through this. Could you ask WA for advice on how to deal with this, they are just repeating learned behaviour which is all very good but when you are living in it, it’s a complete war zone. Do you have anyone for support, someone who could take the children from you, get them into a club of sorts, football, boxing, something that instilles discipline. When i was married before one of my inlaws always threatened their child with being put in the local children’s home if she didn’t behave. At the time she’d be about 3! I tried to take her away from that as often as I could, would play more with her but even at that age the damage was done, she’s grown into just like her mother, spiteful and vindictive.
Dealing with your children alone must be so exhausting, have you written down their behaviour too, to help you work through it, see if there’s anyway you can help them, because believe me what you really most likely want to do is walk out the door and not go back. Is one of them the ringleader, try and work on them, give them a responsibility of sorts, I’m clutching at straws here. I’ve not been in your situation but know how you must be feeling, it’s like coming from the frying pan into the fire. I think what’s needed is someone they’ll look up to, respect, but not fear. Someone who’ll have YOUR back as much as theirs. I hope and pray this gets resolved for you.
Try and believe it will get better. Sometimes we have to do things which are right for us alone. Just because we give birth to a child, doesn’t give them the right to treat us badly. I’ve noticed my daughter’s behaviour to me since I left my Oh is just like his. But because I was with him I didn’t really see it. Being away from his abuse has only opened my eyes to hers, so I don’t have too much to do with her. She’ll need me before I need her, it may sound selfish but after what we’ve gone through, there’s no way I’ll let anyone EVER treat me badly again without there being consequences to their behaviour.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Ssss

I am also really feeling for you in this. It can be hugely overwhelming after abuse and the children rail against you.

They need to feel boundaries to feel safe. If they just switch the wifi back on, take it out. Go without for a while and get outside, leave al l house duties and just get out to some open spaces now the weather is good. Get them walking running, cycling, busy physically, offering recognitions for responsibility, like tidy room,clearing ther own plates away, etc.

They would realy beneft from a directed focus to occupy them in an absrbing way that will naturally tire them and give distraction.

Are there any charities in your area that offer this kind of thing to children that have similr experiences?

There wll be courses around boundaries and behaviours that they might benefit from. The more outside the home they can get involved in the more experienes they will gain which will change their outlook and confidence, and they change so much as they grow and develop.

Getting out wll help break that cycle and dynamic that currently dominates your home. Talk when out about how you plan the evening, maybe a film, once the have put their things away and all have an input into what dinner will be, so again the share in the homelife,feel par t and take some personal responsibility.

They can change, but continuing indoors is going to be very hard to break the dynamic.

I really hope you can find support around you toget changes in place for you all.

I used to go straight out after school with them to a park or just somewhere for them to let off steam at the end of every school day.

Families coming into their home need to be ready for some downtime and calm. We would then have snax, followed by homework time, then out to olaywhile i got dinner on.

I would definitely follow Iwantmeback’s idea of focussing on getting the ring-leader on-side.

Do keep psting and reaching out wherever you can for support for you. I dont think others oitside have any clue how hard managing children post-abuse is, and often we are really alone with it.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Flowerchild]

You have potential sanctions, darling. You control the shopping and can cut out their treats. You control the money and can cut their pocket money. You pay the internet and can cancel it at any time. You are probably paying phone contracts for them and can cancel them, too.

What if they had a boring ‘brick’ phone each with no apps or extras and it was PAYG?

They are your much loved children but they have had a turbulent time and bad example and they may well benefit from some tough love and clear boundaries.

What if they needed to behave well and respectfully to earn any privileges they currently take for granted?

Why not choose a calm time (!) and explain what you want their behaviour to be like – be really specific and positive – and give them some thinking time to alter their behaviour just out of love and respect?

If they won’t respond, you could start on the sanctions and let them earn their privileges back by behaving like loving family members.

This will be tough, but as the adult you need to be in charge. They need you to be in charge. It might not feel like it, but they do! They will be much happier when they have clear, safe boundaries, and so will you, darling.

Flower x

[diymum@1]

Apparent this is a very natural thing to happen once an abusive man is out of the equation. They will have pent up anger and emotions and it us healthy for them to be getting that out but in constructive ways as above. Sports, any activities really and being able to talk about how they feel. I feel like I’m preaching but this is what I read straight from the mouth of lundys ba croft. According to him this happens to most families who’ve gone through this and it does improv e -so there’s light at the end of the tunnel x*x love diymum 💪 💕 💕

[Author]

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