Struggling

[Anonymous]

I’m really struggling , I’m really just so tired of myself. Tired of him motivates me I become clear in the aftermath of an incident as I Realise I call it because I can’t acceot it for what it was . Tired of me however has stops me amongst other things from continuing to reach out. I began to tell more details to close friends (2) and I am confused even more so by some remarks. To the point I agreed that ok if I loved him I needed to make it work but it doesn’t. Then I’m tired of my own internal voice tired of it being me moaning but not acting upon . I’m tired of me even taking photos of writing down because I now feel like I’m an onlooker describing and I have no opinions or value any more. I don’t even fully believe him when he has said his sorry I even last weekend had a full written message claiming full responsibility and he was so ashamed. But yet a week later and it’s all “ you’re the reason . You start it by behaving like you” I haven’t done anything I really haven’t I’m sure I haven’t. He loves me so much I know he does but I don’t feel I can love him the same again anymore as I’m just so on edge I can’t give affection because I flinch and that makes him probably feel awful

[lover of no contact]

Hi struggling,

Don’t blame yourself; its normal you can’t give affection to him; its normal you flinch because his behaviour, words, actions and demeanour are not making you feel safe and loved. I used ‘to beat myself up’ about that too but us women are sensitive and need our man to be gentle and make us feel cherished and value us and move heaven and earth for us and make us feel their protection etc and well abusers fall a million miles short of this and thrive and feel big off our distress. Abusers love to upset us. They love to make us feel fear; fear of them ; fear of the future;. No wonder we flinch when they come near us. ‘The flinching’ is our bodies natural reaction to being around someone who wishes us harm. And they don’t have our best interests at heart..so no wonder we flinch and feel on edge and can’t give affection; total normal reaction on our part.

You’re also right to not believe his sorry. Words are easy to utter. Sorry is easy to say. Words mean nothing. Its the actions that speak the truth.

Keep posting. You’re so,so tired and your head is wrecked because you’re having contact with an abuser.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for replying loverofnocontact.. I had mostly assumed my flinching was me just not being laid back enough or as he says lighten up. It’s comforting to hear that Maybe I’m not just being cold and bitter?Yet I can’t just switch from being launched at around throat to the patting of bottom or give me a kiss demands. It’s hard because I know I’m here and I’m the one staying that because I can’t see how to leave even if with advice that I well and truly feel I’ve made my bed and I’m to lay in it ..

[HunkyDory]

How can you feel affection towards someone who treats you that way? It’s impossible. I warned my husband every time he had a go at me – physically or emotionally – that he was destroying my feelings for him and one day there would be no love left. I never acted on my words which empowered him – until the last time, which he thought would never come. They just go round in circles driving us slowly crazy and doubting ourselves because they think we’ll just continue to take it. Please keep posting and I hope you find a way out. We’re here for you Xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you I really do feel like I’m going in circles or cycles or whatever it may be.( sorry this reply is long after initial but I log in and out if it’s shortened time)
We are back from
A so called “ holiday” I was on the verge of calling police twice and obsessing or “ stewing” as he says
And on verge of fully getting action plan in place. If I had all the money I’d just disappear for the rest of school
Holidays to give a breather. I swing constantly of how dire things are to hearing how things are just so hard for the fight after that if I’m honest I just think it really is safer to stay.

Until we have episodes.. there were incidents as mentioned on this initial post . I’m prompted mainly to write when ever he does something. This weekend was horrendous because of me because I wanted the best ever time for girls that I looked into everything he did. Each time he shouted I took it like he was being so horrible now when maybe he was tired and in pain. He didn’t hurt me this weekend but his threats ( or maybe I perceive them as threats) of saying don’t begin something with his certain look amongst the whole weekend of quite frankly being a spoiled child. Nothing was right for him. Everything I chose he said to kids not to me“ your mother thinks she knows best” then I’m
A wreck crying when a waitress asked what we would like . I’m embarrassed I’m a fraud and I’m paralysed . I hear and re read what I’m writing but I won’t let go because the fear of life after seems so much harsher and cruel than one that is at time just mild and I can bear … the ups of his ups and niceness actually are not what I want because I then know what will happen I feel relief when things go wrong . He said he couldn’t hurt me because of where we were ( so close to others) but he did in other ways it ruined the time for me I even text ( I don’t do so much )privately when he had “ gone to get space” to just delay his taking out of me until (detail removed by moderator)when home for kids sake and he knew what I meant so I’m sure I’m not mad. And I type it thinking well this is him. I stay or I leave. And I really want to incline to leaving but staying if we could work on it. I have a group therapy session course starting in September It’s in mornings on a day I have childcare so I’m going to brave just getting some help for depression and my constant worry as he calls it but I can’t tell him because as much as he wasn’t one to forcefully stop things I know he stops things by either going along with it all encouraging them has a day off or etc or he will sulk and say why can’t I talk to him . Any way I’m now getting far from a singular post sorry. I just really needed to vent after this weekend.

[Anonymous]

Clarifying ( because I can’t edit it?) that I didn’t feel on verge for calling police due to him hurting me that point but more I felt really scared on one night and the other I woke to the normal sex again so I don’t mean to say things dramatically it was just how I felt at that moment and a double edit that wow I’ve seen properly the pop up when logging in. Online chat to woman’s aid would be amazing . I have kids all holidays but online they’d just think I’m working and not over hear.

[Flowerchild]

Sex in your sleep (waking up to find he’s started) is rape, darling. You can’t give consent in your sleep.

Threatening you to control you is just as illegal as throttling you, too.

I’m afraid you’ve normalised a lot of abnormal, abusive behaviour. Not your fault – no blame – they work at this!

Is it time to start planning your escape?!

Flower x

[Anonymous]

Thing is I’ve planned my escape before but I caved I couldn’t even not tell him I was leaving a letter. Tonight I was watching a A program of my choice and he came home I flipped it back and it landed on a car program and I couldn’t even bear waiting for him to ask why I was watching this program that I admitted to flicking channels . I can’t keep anything from
Him not because of him but because of me. I’m daft ..I spend hours scouring cheap caravan deals again to up n go and have somewhere
. I was meant to be house sitting up country at my friends it didn’t transpire due to something happening between them and I felt best not to add my drama or bring it to the mix . I just crave that space and can’t get it. He won’t leave . I had written all before and was as people said on here told how he will change he even cried ( new) and he did for a bit. I feel doubly tied because of his elderly mum whom I am the one that cares for her as I’m not in thought I mean I am the frequent visitor to help but I am seeing that as horrible as I can’t even go away any more without a guilt trip of missing a visit I love her dearly so would hate for her to know fully . But she knows enough . Arghhh

[Author]

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