26th January 2016 at 11:04 am #8366Confused123Participant
Sorry i havent supported u much lately, am just so low at moment dont even think my advise would hold much support, am just trying to hold myself up, everything is such a blur, am fighting with myself to stay focused, apart from just eating and eating thats all i seem to do, cant wait till bed time cause all i want to do is close my eyes and forget, my support worker says be strong for kids and melt down infront of her instead now police investigation started, just feel numb, again just in tears over how i got myself into this situation , support work says its normal to feel guilt, i dont even know if i feel guilt, just talking about that night sets tears off in me , keep telling myself i escaped and im alive , so why do i feel so scared, not actually scared now but i feel the fear i had that night, keep thinking police wont beleive me how i shutdown mentally, this guy tried to kill me and i just block it out and told no one, i rememebr telling his family a week later who did nothing as normal, my scenario seems unreal but was real and cant stop crying over it , again my fear of breaking is there, i try to focus on other things to stay busy, but cant, even know should be studying but am on here cause i just have no energy left to be positive , i dont even know why i’m posting …they say it cant get worser once u have left , am so used not to getting beaten now it feels weird, i cant take no pain mentally either , this is worst part of d v i think, facing up to what happened , this is when the mental impact really hits u, i used to read how survivors say they have no energy , they dont know know how to pick them selves up, i feel like im heading that way, i want to stop myself feeling low, but i dont know how to , people say keep busy, i just want to sleep and forget , but to face the fear u have u cant forget , u have to face that fear in face and thats the worst bit
26th January 2016 at 8:53 pm #8393AyannaParticipant
Hi, BIG HUGS!!! I know exactly how you feel. The energy thing is striking. I am still struggling. My horror is over, but it took so long and I am drained. Just one thing: do not give up. It is so extremely hard to carry on. But you have to. I forced myself to study whilst I went through all the hellish situations after fleeing. I am glad I did that. I had so many breakdowns, but I tried to keep a smiling face and look normal on the outside, go to work and function.
There are only very few people who understand. Most of the time you feel alone and abandoned.
If you can, do nice things for yourself. I am so dead inside, but I force myself to go to the cinema, to go out for a meal, just to see different things sometimes. The world not only consists of this hell, although it feels like that. I lost the connection to myself, but I try to look after my body, to have a routine.
I also cut lots of contacts to people who were of no use to me, who frustrated me or tried to drag me down. And anyway, the trauma made me withdrawn and antisocial.
The years of abuse already drain us, the time after is endlessly terrible. This does something to our cortisol levels. They get drained, they become low. We begin to suffer from posttraumatic stress and also dissociate, if we have not done this already during the abuse. There is no medication to help this. It is not depression and/or anxiety. It is PTSD and dissociation. The flashbacks hit us, we are sleepless, maybe for the rest of our lives? If you can, meditate. I cannot meditate, until now. It is not for everybody. I can go to the gym sometimes. There is a male dummy. My goal is to beat this male dummy up until it bursts. So far I only watched the other girls beating and kicking it. My time will come ….
Hang in there. Nothing lasts forever, nothing ….
26th January 2016 at 9:58 pm #8402LisaMain Moderator
Hi confused123, you are amazing and you are doing incredibly well. I just wanted you to know that you are an inspiration to everyone still trapped with their partner. Keep moving forward, you may not feel like you will ever get out fully and feel free and happy but each day takes you closer and closer to that. Keep pushing on.
26th January 2016 at 10:53 pm #8406foggyhereParticipant
I have so much admiration for you. What you have been through makes my jaw drop. I’m not surprised you feel low in energy. I’ve been through such a tiny amount of abuse compared to yours, so I’m not surprised you feel this way.
I feel guilt – guilt I did something that made him behave as he did, guilt that I let it happen, guilt that my daughter doesn’t have her Dad living with her, guilt that…. and it goes on and on.
I have really s**t days where I spend most of my time in bed – as long as that’s not every day I let it go – I’m very tired, I don’t sleep well and the anxiety flashes are exhausting. I tell myself that I’ve built a blanket fort from which I will plan my attack for an awesome productive day tomorrow.
Be kind to yourself – you have faced something unimaginable and you are doing brilliantly.
27th January 2016 at 8:06 am #8424Confused123Participant
Thank u for your continous support toward me, it means so much , specially when u havinglow day.
Ayanna – Thx u for making me realize im not alone and this process is normal and yeah its just takes forever to recover
Lisa – U say im in ispiration to ladies, maybe, i know i dont feel it but i’m glad whatever my positivity is does have a good impact on ladies,i still struggle to accept what happended, i see it as bad , something that should of never happened, but its not bad cause it happened to me,i will get there i hope in end, i never want what happend to me to happen to another lady and by speaking up i hope i give other ladies to get out sooner
Foggy – HI hun,your words always encourage to me go on, u say ive been through a lot, i wish i could see that i always sit here thinking ladies have been through worser than me, i don see my abuse as that bad even though people reaction say different, suppose its how we train our brain
On a positive note am feeling slightly better today,its lot to take in , but again i tell myself its the truth, whenever someone says things to me that is positive i like to share with u ladies, my support worker yesterday said to me what happened was so horrific but u have to overcome this and move on and only u can do that, no one can do that for u, no matter how much it hurts u have to accept it happened and how u going to move on, we can give u support, u can have shoulder to cry on, but ultimately u have to say im going to get over this and move on, so ladies my message is it will hurt like hell but some how we have to force ourselves to pick our selves up and move on , the same way we took that step to leave or r taking that step , only we can help ourselves, lets not let these b******* win , they broke us, we fell, but we all gonna get up and walk away like queens that we r ,sending hugs and love to u all xx
27th January 2016 at 2:43 pm #8454SavingmyselfParticipant
Yes you are so wonderful helping so much on here
You will always bounce back you are a strong Queen
Big hugs x*x
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