Struggling

[Headcook]

So I’m trying not to cry in front of him
(detail removed by Moderator)
Had my last time here with granddaughter
I’m broken inside
He’s on to me
Coming sitting
Asking what’s up
Talk to him
I’m fighting to hold it in
Have I found anywhere
Questions !!
I’ve dodged him for now

This is so hard

Hc

[Headcook]

They’ve. Gone

I’m numb
Can’t sleep
How is this supposed to feel

[KIP.]

Going to feel strange for a while but you will adjust. Just give yourself a few days to settle down emotionally. Concentrate now on your Own future x

[Headcook]

A disgusting end to a disgusting life with him

They. ( he ) were true to form to the end
I have been putting up boundaries For number of weeks now and fought the tears
No goodbye from partner or saying bye to my granddaughter he returned later for more stuff and brought a friend so the air was tense as this person knows of the abuse I have suffered from his friend ( my son )
It’s just another erratic relationship my son has with people what he has with this friend
I will speak no more to him now he’s been here helping my son

Within hours there were texts was I ok
He loves me so much
He wants us to be the better than we’ve ever Been before
Why am I always included in his claims

I have my keys and have started to paint a room I found disappointing when going there with fresh eyes
But not today I can’t go there today

Hc

[KIP.]

Here’s how I’ve found abusers work. Most people have a vertical line of people they care about so it might start with children at the top then working down the line, partner, parents, friends and so on.
Abusers have a horizontal line, I like to imagine a washing line and each of the people in their lives are pegged on that line. Imagine them all pegged up there horizontally. So an abuser will simply pick one off when they need something. All these people have the same value or non value depending on what the abuser can gain from them. So at the moment he’s picking this friend cos he needs something. It may be you next week when he needs childcare. They lack empathy, depth and the ability to bond.

[Headcook]

Yes yes makes perfect sense
Each have there uses

Rinse. Repeat same cycle

I’ve known deep down for a long while he has n********t traits chosen to ignore
Most mums would I guess
I had reached the end
The partner coming along has brought this to were we are now else we would still be high-five round with this

Have said before she is my replacement
I no I’m right
If only this was a happy time like it should be
It was never going to be a happy time
A house isn’t a home when there is an abuser living in the mix.

Just keep moving forward I guess

Hc

[Headcook]

So he’s been round (detail removed by Moderator) after me ignoring texts (detail removed by Moderator)
Says all will be ok he knows he’s been awful to me says things will be better
He wants to see me speak to me every day
Told me he cried last night because he’s sad I’m alone
I told him I’ve given my all for him and it’s my time now
And all I’ve ever heard is words no actual change from him
And his actions will prove far more
So I will wait for this
I can’t fear him anymore I really can’t

Wants to bring grandchild here couple times a week after he finishes work before. Picking up partner I’ve not given an answer as this is no different to when he lived here
Am I wrong to not wanting him to bring child
Although it not grandchild here I don’t want him here being used and dressed up as it’s for me when I don’t think it is
It’s been a day and already he’s making his terms

Hc

[KIP.]

Start as you mean to go on. Meet them in a park outside once a week or whatever suits you. Does he need you for child care? You’re on that washing line for a reason. Now is the time to set firm boundaries and stick to them. You absolutely do not want him in your home. You can easily walk away in a park or public place.

[Headcook]

He doesn’t need me for childcare it’s so he doesn’t have to entertain care for the child
It’s always been this way since partner started job
He just spends the time on his phone

I feel for child so feel stuck in the middle
Years of feeling obliged years of give give and nothing in return
Moving out means moving out and all that comes with that
He plays on it is my grandchild

Hc

[KIP.]

Yes your grandchild, his child. I still think meeting up outside is a good place to start. Keep him away from your new life x

[Headcook]

More confused today

I’ve seen him every day
Each time nice

I’ve said to his face you’ve abused me for years
He said he knows

He’s made a decision not to do it further as we no longer Live together
He’s not rowing with me
I’ve said stop stop including me in this
I’ve done nothing
He seems to really believe this
It’s only couple days and he’s here mr holier than though
How dare he minimise this
This was real it still is real

I’m getting ready to leave myself there still lots still lots to do
I’m lonely and sad
And insulted

Hc

[fizzylem]

Hello HC, I’ve not been on the forum for a while, so it’s good to read your living situation has now changed. My mum had N traits and it wasn’t until I moved out and we were apart for a while that we were then able to eventually form a functioning relationship. I did have to let go of the anger I felt as a child though before I could do this, which enabled me to see her more as a human with flaws I guess. But like you I can’t forget, it’s kind of been done and you can’t unsee what you have seen, although it’s clearly very early days for you atm, I can still see how vile and aggressive, how awful she has been when I think about it. I know this part of her is just under the surface and never too far away. So we were estranged for a number of years, and when I finally did start to engage again it was on my terms, boundaries clear – and as result it kind of worked, mostly, it does mean taking no nonsense though; I should also add that I spent several years in and out of therapy also beforehand too.

You clearly need your own space, and so do they really. Maybe now is the time to draw a line over it? Start a new? It was clealry a mistake living together wasn’t it, you tried it but now you are where you are you can see it was never going to work. Take some time and space for you now to de stress from it all; if you don’t want them to come round then say no, or if you do want to see your grand daughter make an arrangement that works for you as well, then his motives become irrelvant to you because it’s working for you regardless. If he keeps up the kind, respectful him then there’s no problem really is there.

For me the anger was worse than the hurt really; and I needed a lot of help from others to process this, to let it go, to move forwards in a healthy way. Some one once said to me anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, it is really, it only harms the self. If you start to feel consumed by it then this is probably a good indiactor that you could do with some help to change this.

It’s pretty sad and heart wrenching reading your posts really, how things have turned out, and how angry you have felt. I really hope this now changes. Perhaps after a break and a long rest and when the time comes, if you can both inject some good will and you can walk away and not respond if you feel he over steps ever again – then you might be able to have some kind of OK relationship that is not volatile? I’m hoping as he matures more he comes to recognise how awful he’s been and much there is to love and appreciate in you x

[Eggshells]

Hi Headcook, I’m afraid I don’t have much to give right now. You have done incredibly well. Please resist his attempts at hoovering. He migh badmitbhos abuse now but insuspect that will change if he manages to suck you back in. I understand how you must feel about your grandchild. The best you can do is refer it to social services. You can’t put yourself on the line any longer. Time to take care of you now.

[Headcook]

Thank you

Living together was a mistake can’t undo that now when it was good it was good
My support worker often says a home with an abuser in the mix affects all that live there and his partner didn’t no where she found herself prob
His manipulating of us both triangulating us for his own needs was very strong at the end

When you have lived with his treatment for many years like I did it’s ingrained the dysfunction of it all
I don’t really think him just being plain awful is a true reflection of the misery this has caused me
Living in fear of your own son when a Person can say they will stab you they want to kill you Multiple times is someone just being awful I would say there is something more to it
Drawing a line under it if only it was that easy we wouldn’t need this amazing forum
When we reach new stages in our own personal experiences
He’s still being very selfish and this is very raw for me but still he persists with his control to hoover me back in as he sees he’s loosing his effect on me
I want to believe this new him
But can someone really change that quick in a couple of days after well over a decade of his abuse I would say not
He’s volatile to be around you can’t think straight you can’t breathe
You feel silenced by him unworthy
A switch just flips in him and all had to jump to attention
He clearly has to work on himself his anger his violent outbursts to people only he can recognise this because this is so not ok to treat people
I will be working towards not allowing not accepting this from him ever again
I’m not angry I’m in despair my body is in pain from the years of being his emotional punch bag
But this was always going to end like this
There was no other way for this to end
I’ve managed this For far too long with him

Hc.

[Author]

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