This topic contains 13 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Headcook 3 days, 1 hour ago.

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  • #107650
     Headcook 
    Participant

    So I’m trying not to cry in front of him
    (detail removed by Moderator)
    Had my last time here with granddaughter
    I’m broken inside
    He’s on to me
    Coming sitting
    Asking what’s up
    Talk to him
    I’m fighting to hold it in
    Have I found anywhere
    Questions !!
    I’ve dodged him for now

    This is so hard

    Hc

  • #107880
     Headcook 
    Participant

    They’ve. Gone

    I’m numb
    Can’t sleep
    How is this supposed to feel

  • #107881
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Going to feel strange for a while but you will adjust. Just give yourself a few days to settle down emotionally. Concentrate now on your Own future x

  • #107884
     Headcook 
    Participant

    A disgusting end to a disgusting life with him

    They. ( he ) were true to form to the end
    I have been putting up boundaries For number of weeks now and fought the tears
    No goodbye from partner or saying bye to my granddaughter he returned later for more stuff and brought a friend so the air was tense as this person knows of the abuse I have suffered from his friend ( my son )
    It’s just another erratic relationship my son has with people what he has with this friend
    I will speak no more to him now he’s been here helping my son

    Within hours there were texts was I ok
    He loves me so much
    He wants us to be the better than we’ve ever Been before
    Why am I always included in his claims

    I have my keys and have started to paint a room I found disappointing when going there with fresh eyes
    But not today I can’t go there today

    Hc

  • #107886
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Here’s how I’ve found abusers work. Most people have a vertical line of people they care about so it might start with children at the top then working down the line, partner, parents, friends and so on.
    Abusers have a horizontal line, I like to imagine a washing line and each of the people in their lives are pegged on that line. Imagine them all pegged up there horizontally. So an abuser will simply pick one off when they need something. All these people have the same value or non value depending on what the abuser can gain from them. So at the moment he’s picking this friend cos he needs something. It may be you next week when he needs childcare. They lack empathy, depth and the ability to bond.

  • #107902
     Headcook 
    Participant

    Yes yes makes perfect sense
    Each have there uses

    Rinse. Repeat same cycle

    I’ve known deep down for a long while he has n********t traits chosen to ignore
    Most mums would I guess
    I had reached the end
    The partner coming along has brought this to were we are now else we would still be high-five round with this

    Have said before she is my replacement
    I no I’m right
    If only this was a happy time like it should be
    It was never going to be a happy time
    A house isn’t a home when there is an abuser living in the mix.

    Just keep moving forward I guess

    Hc

  • #108001
     Headcook 
    Participant

    So he’s been round (detail removed by Moderator) after me ignoring texts (detail removed by Moderator)
    Says all will be ok he knows he’s been awful to me says things will be better
    He wants to see me speak to me every day
    Told me he cried last night because he’s sad I’m alone
    I told him I’ve given my all for him and it’s my time now
    And all I’ve ever heard is words no actual change from him
    And his actions will prove far more
    So I will wait for this
    I can’t fear him anymore I really can’t

    Wants to bring grandchild here couple times a week after he finishes work before. Picking up partner I’ve not given an answer as this is no different to when he lived here
    Am I wrong to not wanting him to bring child
    Although it not grandchild here I don’t want him here being used and dressed up as it’s for me when I don’t think it is
    It’s been a day and already he’s making his terms

    Hc

  • #108004
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Start as you mean to go on. Meet them in a park outside once a week or whatever suits you. Does he need you for child care? You’re on that washing line for a reason. Now is the time to set firm boundaries and stick to them. You absolutely do not want him in your home. You can easily walk away in a park or public place.

  • #108017
     Headcook 
    Participant

    He doesn’t need me for childcare it’s so he doesn’t have to entertain care for the child
    It’s always been this way since partner started job
    He just spends the time on his phone

    I feel for child so feel stuck in the middle
    Years of feeling obliged years of give give and nothing in return
    Moving out means moving out and all that comes with that
    He plays on it is my grandchild

    Hc

  • #108019
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Yes your grandchild, his child. I still think meeting up outside is a good place to start. Keep him away from your new life x

  • #108147
     Headcook 
    Participant

    More confused today

    I’ve seen him every day
    Each time nice

    I’ve said to his face you’ve abused me for years
    He said he knows

    He’s made a decision not to do it further as we no longer Live together
    He’s not rowing with me
    I’ve said stop stop including me in this
    I’ve done nothing
    He seems to really believe this
    It’s only couple days and he’s here mr holier than though
    How dare he minimise this
    This was real it still is real

    I’m getting ready to leave myself there still lots still lots to do
    I’m lonely and sad
    And insulted

    Hc

  • #108175
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Hello HC, I’ve not been on the forum for a while, so it’s good to read your living situation has now changed. My mum had N traits and it wasn’t until I moved out and we were apart for a while that we were then able to eventually form a functioning relationship. I did have to let go of the anger I felt as a child though before I could do this, which enabled me to see her more as a human with flaws I guess. But like you I can’t forget, it’s kind of been done and you can’t unsee what you have seen, although it’s clearly very early days for you atm, I can still see how vile and aggressive, how awful she has been when I think about it. I know this part of her is just under the surface and never too far away. So we were estranged for a number of years, and when I finally did start to engage again it was on my terms, boundaries clear – and as result it kind of worked, mostly, it does mean taking no nonsense though; I should also add that I spent several years in and out of therapy also beforehand too.

    You clearly need your own space, and so do they really. Maybe now is the time to draw a line over it? Start a new? It was clealry a mistake living together wasn’t it, you tried it but now you are where you are you can see it was never going to work. Take some time and space for you now to de stress from it all; if you don’t want them to come round then say no, or if you do want to see your grand daughter make an arrangement that works for you as well, then his motives become irrelvant to you because it’s working for you regardless. If he keeps up the kind, respectful him then there’s no problem really is there.

    For me the anger was worse than the hurt really; and I needed a lot of help from others to process this, to let it go, to move forwards in a healthy way. Some one once said to me anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, it is really, it only harms the self. If you start to feel consumed by it then this is probably a good indiactor that you could do with some help to change this.

    It’s pretty sad and heart wrenching reading your posts really, how things have turned out, and how angry you have felt. I really hope this now changes. Perhaps after a break and a long rest and when the time comes, if you can both inject some good will and you can walk away and not respond if you feel he over steps ever again – then you might be able to have some kind of OK relationship that is not volatile? I’m hoping as he matures more he comes to recognise how awful he’s been and much there is to love and appreciate in you x

  • #108177
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Hi Headcook, I’m afraid I don’t have much to give right now. You have done incredibly well. Please resist his attempts at hoovering. He migh badmitbhos abuse now but insuspect that will change if he manages to suck you back in. I understand how you must feel about your grandchild. The best you can do is refer it to social services. You can’t put yourself on the line any longer. Time to take care of you now.

  • #108208
     Headcook 
    Participant

    Thank you

    Living together was a mistake can’t undo that now when it was good it was good
    My support worker often says a home with an abuser in the mix affects all that live there and his partner didn’t no where she found herself prob
    His manipulating of us both triangulating us for his own needs was very strong at the end

    When you have lived with his treatment for many years like I did it’s ingrained the dysfunction of it all
    I don’t really think him just being plain awful is a true reflection of the misery this has caused me
    Living in fear of your own son when a Person can say they will stab you they want to kill you Multiple times is someone just being awful I would say there is something more to it
    Drawing a line under it if only it was that easy we wouldn’t need this amazing forum
    When we reach new stages in our own personal experiences
    He’s still being very selfish and this is very raw for me but still he persists with his control to hoover me back in as he sees he’s loosing his effect on me
    I want to believe this new him
    But can someone really change that quick in a couple of days after well over a decade of his abuse I would say not
    He’s volatile to be around you can’t think straight you can’t breathe
    You feel silenced by him unworthy
    A switch just flips in him and all had to jump to attention
    He clearly has to work on himself his anger his violent outbursts to people only he can recognise this because this is so not ok to treat people
    I will be working towards not allowing not accepting this from him ever again
    I’m not angry I’m in despair my body is in pain from the years of being his emotional punch bag
    But this was always going to end like this
    There was no other way for this to end
    I’ve managed this For far too long with him

    Hc.

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