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I finally ended my emotionally abusive realtionship (detail removed by moderator) after going back time after time. I didn’t even tell him I just knew that it was the last straw he then rang me after he found out I’d hidden something superficial from him. Something that I was scared and waiting for the right time to bring up and that he himself was doing hence the reason he found out. He said he wanted his things from my house then he that was it. He proceeded to call me a sly, horrible c**t I defended myself in a calm manner with a few facts and no begging or fear which he didn’t Like as he then said he didnt want his stuff and he didn’t even wanna see me. Now this has done me a favour not having to see him but I feel now like I’m in the wrong and that I’m the one who has been dumped plus I feel so lost and confused right now. Everything is different and I’m struggling so much with all the changes.
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You’ll make it through this! You were strong and made the choice to leave. I’ve been exactly where you are- left my ex abruptly. He always had a way of making me feel like everything was my fault. Sounds like yours is doing something similar. I went to counselling and learned about all the other ways my ex was abusive beyond the physical and financial stuff- I hadn’t realised just how much he controlled me and played with my brain. Especially with stuff like this.
I believe in you! It’s a massive change and you’re very brave for doing it. Well done, you! Have you reached out to a doctor or support group? They might be able to help you navigate things. -
Hey, you’re going to be ok, it will be ok. Have you been in contact with your local DA Support service, Womens Aid or they might come under a different name in your area. Or make an appointment with your GP or nurse at the surgery and explain what has happened, and they will refer you asap. Youre not in the wrong, Im sure of it. Have you done any reading? I’ll bump a post which has got some useful threads to explain how you are feeling right now, and what you can do going forward. This is a really supportive forum so keep posting, asking questions and reaching out. You’ve done the right thing. It’ll be ok. xx
Look in the IS IT ABUSE forum and Ive bumped it.-
Iliketea thank u so much for your reply. I know deep down I’ve done the right thing but I just feel like I’m the one who has been dumped and I’m going through so many feelings right now and they’re all so confusing. I also miss him. We were really good friends before the realtionship and I feel like I’m suffering a massive loss. I feel like my entire world is collapsing. I have all the foundations to get better. A few supportive friends, my mum has been visiting a little more often and I have my lovely daughter and some good neighbours. I also have many things going for me but just don’t feel happy at all infact I’m depressed but I’m plodding along trying to make sense of everything and trying my best to keep going but right now I feel like I’m never gunna get through this ☹️
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Hi Curtains,
You have done amazingly well by taking back control of your life and ending an abusive and toxic relationship. From reading your post it is YOU that has done this. Can you explain a little more why you feel that it’s not you that has done this and why you feel that it’s you that has been dumped?
I believe that all of us in life suffer from some form of bereavement whenever anyone leaves our lives, regardless of whether that bereavement is by death or abandonment or disappearance, and regardless of whether who has instigated it. When we let go of someone by choice it is because we have finally acknowledged that person no longer brings any positivity or happiness to us. However, that doesn’t mean that they never did once upon a time. I think it is in the human nature of compassionate and empathic people to always see the ‘positives’ in people, so even when we cut people free from our lives we still want to look for the ‘positives’ in them.
As children, we are often brought up to believe that if someone has been nasty to us at school, spiteful, or bullying, we are taught one of two things:
a) that the abusive person must be unhappy in some way and that we are to be empathic and try to understand why they have behaved nastily.
b) that we must have behaved in a certain way, or said something, to provoke them, therefore, victim blaming and making the abuse our fault.
Both of these options absolve the abuser from any blame. We are not taught as children to assume that some people are just inherently evil or nasty!
Therefore, we take those lessons in to our adult life and that is why we are empathic with our abusers. We are still trying to forgive them for their hurt, understand their hurt, and take responsibility for their hurt. We still believe in some way that the way they behave is our fault.
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Hi wants to help…thank u so much for your reply. I feel like I’m the one who has been dumped because even tho I left he then turned it round by throwing something at me and when I responded he said he didn’t want any of his stuff anymore and to keep it cos I was an horrible b*****d and he didn’t even wanna see me so that is what makes me feel like I was the one who was dumped. I know that it’s just an abusers attempt at turning it round and playing the victim because I stood up for myself and he wanted to make himself feel better but I just feel so c**p about it all.
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Please try not to feel c**p, feel empowered, because actually, you have recognised his behaviour for exactly what it is. He never really wanted to come round and get his stuff, his stuff wasn’t important to him, he wanted to come round and get to you. When he realised you were having none of that he’s gone off on one of his tantrums again because he can no longer get his own way. He is losing his power and control over you and he can’t deal with it. He’s tried to ‘Monopolise Perception’ by saying he doesn’t want to see you, but actually, you’d already decided you don’t want to see him. Please see this as a positive. You are now educated and this man no longer fools you.
You 1 – Abuser 0
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Wants to help
Yes u have a very good point there. Another thing I realised was when he rang me to complain about the thing I was scared to tell him he had gone to do this thing himself to try get one over on me on his head thinking he was clever but then found out that I’d already done it (this thing I’m doing is superficial and nothing bad by the way) but it was something he never allowed me to do. When he was talking about it I could hear the panic in his voice that his abuse wasn’t working. He has no power hence the reason why I’ve heard nothing from him since. -
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Wants to help….lol thank you for that with the curtains thing it put a well needed smile on my face 😊 thing is I did feel empowered at 1st by it but has the grief has set in and me been a naturally empathetic person and a worrier plus I have ptsd anxiety and depression aswell all which make me overthink and analyse everything my brain has done massive somersaults since we split and tbh I I did want zero contact and the thought of speaking to him atm makes me feel anxious so it’s been a good thing but I also have kinda wanted him to get in touch too which I know sounds strange but everything is just so conflicted in my mind right now and this is also the longest time I’ve ever gone without any form of contact and not knowing what he’s doing. In the past when we’ve split I’ve found myself stalking his social media (even tho we’re not friends on there I could still see his friends list and he was deliberately adding girls and liking their pics etc) I kept finding things on there that were driving me nuts but this time I’ve even blocked all that so there’s less temptation and even tho I’ve had to fight the urge to look I’ve managed it so all that will help with my healing in the long run it’s just all very strange.
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