Struggling

[Stargirl]

Hi,

I’m new here and finally at the end of my tether. I’ve been with my partner for a few years and over this time I’ve gradually come to lose all of my friends and family. I’ve had messages from friends and family members stating that they can’t talk to me unless I leave the relationship as they’re so frustrated with me. He’s never hit me but has once put his hands round my neck. He tells me to shut up countless times in a day and says he could do much better than me. He is very successful and has a lot of money but says I don’t appreciate what he does for me and he can do what he likes because of how much he spends on me. I’m so confused. Is this abuse if there’s no violence?

[Healthyarchive]

Hi Stargirl, you might find it helpful to read 30 Covert Manipulation tactics in Personal Relationships, its free to read immediately on Amazon X*X

[Lisa]

Hi Stargirl,

Thank you so much for your post. Welcome to the forum. I am pleased to see that you have had a supportive reply. Please do post elsewhere on the forum as often posts can be missed in this section- perhaps copy your post into the ‘is it abuse section’? I can confirm that your partner does sound very abusive. We know that domestic abuse is not just about physical injuries but the emotional abuse and coercive control that exists within an abusive relationship. It is worth noting that putting his hands around your neck is physical abuse too.

I am sorry that you feel isolated from your family, sadly this is another indicator of an abusive relationship. It is a common tactic of perpetrators to try and isolate their partners so they then have less of a security network to get support and strength from to leave the relationship. Please do speak to your local Women’s Aid group and the helpline can offer you plenty of support, counselling and access to the freedom program which would all be helpful to you.

We are all here for you so please keep posting.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Starmoon]

Yes it’s abuse.. I used to feel the same… Questioning if it was abuse- I still regularly do question it but coming on here has been my salvation- I’ve learned so much… If you can, read the books people suggest, as the more you learn about abuse- the more it becomes clear. The book that’s helped me the most is called the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. I could instantly relate. You haven’t said allot yet but we are all here to listen and no one judges at all.
My perp wasn’t physical for a number of years (the emotional was much worse) and I remember thinking it would be easier if he was- because then I’d know for sure it was abuse. It did become physical and actually the first time was a hand around the throat. How ever, If you’re wondering ‘is my partner and abuser’ the chances are- he is! Would you be wondering that if you felt mutually respected and loved? Xx

[Stargirl]

Thank you for your replies. It’s really good to have some advice; it feels unbelievably lonely in this situation. It’s been pretty gradual I think. At the start he was telling me how he’d never met anyone like me and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and how I’d changed him into someone that wanted to show affection (which apparently hadn’t been the case before). Now he refuses to hold my hand and tells me he’ll never be that person (“if you don’t like it you can leave”). He tells me he hates my parents and when he sees them he doesn’t speak to them at all. I have caught him cheating (just a kiss to my knowledge) and when I raise my concerns about text messages on his phone to girls (with explicit content) he tells me I’m crazy and it’s just ‘banter’. Again, I’m told to shut up and, when he put his hands around my neck, he was drunk and said he would ‘shut me up’. I broke down in tears and said it was all my fault and then I got the silent treatment.

I’m not (removed by moderator)  and have a good job and great education yet I’ve never felt so much like I’ve lost control of my life. I’ve never felt so hideous or repellent as I do now and this is exacerbated by comments about how I need to ‘look more like so and so’. I know objectively that this is not right but I keep thinking that it’s my fault and it’s not really that bad…

[godschild]

It does sound like abuse,often beacuse we are not hit or beaten up we think maybe it isnt, I echo what starmoon said about Patricia Evans book also , why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is very enlightening as well, both available at Amazon, you can google verbal abuse and find lists of abusive traits. Its very typical to try to alienate you from family and friends. keep posting and reading posts on here, you will see similarites and phone womens aid they are expert in helping you

[Starmoon]

It is really confusing and all too easy to blame ourselves. In the book I suggested she explains in that we live in two different realities… Yours is to understand, reason and resolve. His is to gain power over you. I know it’s really hard to come to a solid conclusion. I have to go over every listless incident and I’m constantly posting on here asking if those instances in the past were normal. If I ‘Deserved’ how he reacted to something. I found it hard to understand how I’d gotten into this situation as I used to be so independant and level headed. But years down the line with him (still relatively young myself lol) and I’ve had at least one major mental brake down and have felt utterly crazy at time… What abusers do is often referred to as ‘crazy making’. It’s drip fed in over a slow period of time so you just can’t see it coming xx

[Author]

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