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My husband left (detail removed by Moderator) ago but wants to come back. Everytime I see him I really want him to and thought of not being with him anymore scares me. If he comes back I will need to get rid of family pet. I d probably never go out with friends again without being moaned at. We went out (detail removed by Moderator) and had a nice time , then he went to families and I met a friend for one drink and he text saying he was annoyed and won’t be speaking all night. Wit I got home after (detail removed by Moderator) I text just to let him know I was home then he was normal with me. I don’t know whether to go back and hope it will be happy or try to move on
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I think you have already answered your own question honey , your scared of the unknown, starting afresh , this is normal , everyone is scared , but just think of the opposite of what you have just written, I can go out without having to check in , I can be free to do as I please and not have to tread on eggshells or fear the aftermath. Read what you have written and the conditions your already facing and probably worse . You know the answer in your heart . Be strong , you can do this .
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Sometimes I still don’t realise what he does to me is abuse. name calling , making comments about what I wear so I end up getting changed, making me feel so guilty if I go out with Friends so I just don’t go. I had implants to feel good about myself and got called sarcastic names or a freak . He said I ve done it to attract men, if I dress nice it’s to attract men . I dress up sometimes and make an effort because I want to feel good not for men. He complains about my children calls them lazy , says house is a mess when it’s actually really tidy. the dog annoys him as he barks when I (detail removed by Moderator) and because I spend too much time with dog than him. one night he was drunk and smashed the house infront of kids and hit me not to cause marks . He was so ashamed I said it’s ok and apologised if I’d upset him. he has thrown stuff around at times if in mood and drives fast sometimes if stressed which I get scared about . I don’t know if this is just normal behaviour as it’s usually if we argued but I don’t say horrible things.my husband before was worse. I ve spent over (detail removed by Moderator) years with each so I don’t even know if any of it is normal as I don’t know any different and this is normal to me
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Hi Tree19,
It breaks my heart to read what you have gone through and yet are contemplating having this man back in your life. His behaviour is not normal, and neither was it with your previous husband. You have sadly had two abusive marriages.
Strangely as this may sound, you are currently in a good place! You are separated and he is out of the house. (detail removed by Moderator) I acknowledge that you are struggling with your situation and perhaps feeling ‘hopeless’ and ‘not knowing what to do for the best’ but please stay on the path that you are for now and don’t let him come back.
Just because we have spent a long time with someone does not mean that we have to continue to remain with them. When marriage vows were written (God knows how many years ago) they were never intended to include domestic abuse as the ‘for worse’ part. Marriage vows are very out of date and need to be re-written for the 21st Century.
Your husband has been violent to you and smashed up the home in the presence of the children. That will have impacted them without a doubt and it will be one of their significant childhood memories ((detail removed by Moderator) they have confirmed that similar incidents are the most vivid from their childhood over nice times). Also, to get rid of the family pet will be devastating for everyone. This request is typical of an abuser to show their power and control within the home and that what they say goes. How will your children react to the loss of a pet? As they get older they will also learn that you condoned to them losing their pet in order to allow an abuser back in to the house. For them, there will be no ‘win’ in this situation.
In the weeks since your husband has gone, has the house felt calmer? Have the children seemed more relaxed, happy, less on edge? Has the dog changed? Dogs are very receptive to tension in a house and your dog may well go in to protective mode around you, so no wonder your husband would want it to go. The dog knows exactly who and what he is!
What scares you about NOT being with him? Is it because of what he might do if you don’t have him back or is it a fear of loneliness and that you might not meet someone else? Trust me, being on your own is so much better than being with an abuser. There is a whole new life out there for you to be found without him, but a very controlled and limited life mapped out for you if you have him back. You know that already from what you have posted.
Please keep reading and researching about domestic abuse, the impact of it on children. Taking this man back in to your home is going to be a disaster if I’m honest. Stay on this forum and keep posting.
Be strong Tree19, keep those roots grounded and don’t let him blow you over!
xx
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Children would be devastated I told them what there step dad wanted. My youngest said it’s not fair to make someone choose. Dog has been much more settled and relaxed and wants to be with me all the time. if he use to shout at me dog would stand infront of me but I d worry he’d hurt him so I got him out the way . Rather me hurt than him.
Children been fine him not being here as it’s been (detail removed by Moderator) now. he has nipped to see them and his children been here with him. I think I m worried about him meeting someone else, I do still love him so it hurts a lot . I was lonely but I m ok in that way, I have been asked out by another man but I m no way ready for that. i jumped in with this husband after last husband because of loneliness I think but I did love him. He’s always been bit controlling OCD but I thought that’s just him and that was ok. -
You have nailed it Tree19, you know that having him back is not the right thing to do, your children don’t want him back, and your youngest is absolutely right – it is definitely not fair to make you choose him or the dog. I have pets and the thought of having to give any of them away would break my heart.
Sometimes we have to make decisions that upset our children and they really don’t like us for it, but those decisions are the ones that are made with their best interests at heart. Making a decision to rehome a family pet that they love in order to bring a man that scares them back in to their home is not in their best interests. I know you know that, but that’s what you would be doing.
It is good that you have seen for yourself in such a short time how much calmer everyone is, dog included! You have set the scene now for a safe and calm home that is free of abuse.
Worrying about him moving on and meeting someone else is very common and I went through that too. A lot of it is from our own insecurities. I was worried that my ex would move on and be happy with someone else and I’d be on my own and be lonely and miserable. Once I heard he’d found someone else I went all out to get him back and he came back… and that set the scene for many more unhappy years with him. I look back now and can’t believe that I had actually freed myself from him and due to my own insecurities and fears I put myself back in to the abusive situation because I thought it was better to be with him than no one. I have actually been on my own for over a decade now and I’m totally fine with it. I want a man who will complement my life, not complicate it.
It’s wise to turn down the date with another man. You are not ready for this at all and it would be unfair on him to start something when you have so much going on in your life right now. You really need to take some time (they recommend at least two years) to recover from an abusive relationship, heal yourself, get some self help by research, watching videos, listening to podcasts, going to group therapy, speaking to a counsellor etc in order to make changes to ourselves and our vulnerabilities so that we don’t make the same mistakes again. You also need some time to focus on your children and prioritise them now. They have been through a lot too and the last thing they need is for you to be occupied with a new man in your life. Sometimes we look for a man to be our ‘rescuer’ but the reality is we really can save ourselves if we want to.
There are so many positives to come, the sad thing is the gains from leaving an abusive relationship are not instant, but the losses are. It’s these instant losses that cause us to panic and make the wrong decisions. Give it some time and you will soon see the real positives living abuse free.
Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It’s a programme that helps educate us about DA and is recommended. Have a Google of it and see if you can enrol on it, it will help you so much and you will make better decisions based on what you learn.
Keep us updated with how you are getting on, all of us here are rooting for you to keep him out of your life and we’ll do our best to help you with that decision 🙂
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I too was abused the same way , my ex partner is a chronic alcoholic, I too worried about him moving on meeting someone else , I’d rather have put up with all the abuse etc then let him go , he used it against me at every opportunity as a manipulating tactic to keep me in the relationship, my weakness was used against me . After the relationship ended he tried all different tactics to get me to react or take him back , the last one was the one I feared the most a text to say I’ve met someone else etc , even tho it stung me at first as it was early days after split , I knew it was a tactic for me to go running back , which I didn’t, also I thought if it is true , let him go ! This is exactly what I did , I came to the point of thinking all my life with him if I took him back would be pretty much the same I endured , but worse , I was already so unhappy in the relationship and couldn’t take it anymore, so why am I hanging onto someone who clearly doesn’t respect me , doesn’t love me , wants to control every aspect of my life , controls my money , criticising me , enabling his habit, I thought if that’s meant to be a threat to me , Good luck to the new lady in his life as she is going to need it . I don’t want this life this person is offering to me anymore as it’s not living .
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Your so right . I feel for you with the chronic alcoholic that was my first husband and my first abusive relationship . (detail removed by Moderator) years in total with two different men . I found first harder to leave as we had three children together as I had to see him. I remember when he met his girlfriend who he’s still with I felt sick to the stomach even though I had someone else . He kept saying she’s so much better than me , I m fat snd ugly compared to her even though she’s lot bigger than me . I even told her about my relationship with him as I feared she d be hurt. She is experiencing the alcohol and name calling as my children tell me when they visit. I now hate them going but legally I was told I can’t stop it
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But if you want to be with someone should you not make sacrifices for them if you want your marriage to work. (detail removed by moderator) he says
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In a healthy relationship you make compromises to make it work, not sacrifices. If he had severe asthma and the dog was causing him breathing difficulties and making him ill then that would be a justifiable reason to rehome the dog, but this isn’t the case. The dog annoys him. The dog takes your attention away from him. He is a man that does not like your attention being diverted elsewhere. He has proven this by not speaking to you when you see your friends. Asking you to get rid of the dog is another control tactic that is for his benefit not yours. A sacrifice is one person suffering for the sake of another, a compromise benefits all involved.
In life, lots of things annoy us. Sometimes we have to learn to live with these things, sometimes we can choose not to live with them. If the dog annoys him that much he can choose to stay away.
By choosing the dog does not mean you love the dog more than him, you can love two things at the same time. But if you get rid of the dog then what next? He is not the biological father of your children, so what happens when the children start to annoy him and he tells you to send them to live with their dad? If this was to happen and your children get wind of this then they will quite rightly worry. They know you got rid of the dog, so what’s to stop you getting rid of them?
Giving in to these men and getting rid of things out of your life that you love is not enough for them. They want more and more from you until there is nothing left to give away or give up.
Reading @nbumblebee reply to you is so heart felt. Please take note of the advice/support she is offering you.
xx
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@Tree19 wow your post has stopped me in my tracks today. I could have written every word and more.
Your comment above about making marriage work thats me that why i am still here after (detail removed by moderator) still here. I self harm i am not in a happy place I hate my life I look at others and feel such jelousy as I want to be in a loving supportive relationship so much but unlike you I wont leave.
Its so easy for me to say this so easy but sweetie dont go back dont come back to this c**p.
Its a miserable life and you know it. Whilst i can imagine how heart wrenching lonley and hard it must be out there on your own yiu are safe you are not owned by a nasty man you can go out you can live laugh smile yes there may be guilt still and so many years of hurt to overcome but you are out and are able to maybe try and now process all you have been through and move foward forgive yourself love yourself.
My councellor tells me i wont ever move foward until I admit that I am a victim of abuse I am unable to do that yet, your post today has made me really sit up and think about that. By reading your words I can clearly see how abusive your husband was to you and how incredable you are to be out bit I also realised that I could be you.
If I got out would you be telling me its ok to go back or would you tell me to hang in there keep goi g keep moving foward as hard as it is you are doing the best thing for you and your kids??
Thank you for posting good luck and lots of hugs. -
@nbumblebee. Thank you for your words and everyone else. i feel sad that your still going through it. I too myself don’t always see it as abuse as this has always been how I ve lived so I m use to it and don’t really know any different. I hope one day I can find someone and feel Whst a proper relationship is and then I know I ve done the right thing and all I have missed out on . i still see him as my rescuer and he got me away from the last so I feel grateful I guess. It’s not always bad , sometimes we had amazing times together. I m not sure he truly understood me as I was very jealous and untrusting due to my ex husband seeing so many people I guess I he also felt restricted at times as I d panic and go quiet when he use to go out. All I wanted him to do was just reassure me not ignore me all night while he was out. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t like me doing things
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@Tree19 again I get it I met my husband (detail removed by moderator) after what I now know to be a rape by a family member so I see mine as someone who rescued me i had nothing b4 i met my husband i was nothing i am afraid of leaving him and being nothing again.
So I hear you. Stay strong sweetie stay strong x
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I hope you find the strength to leave NBumblebee, it breaks my heart to hear how sad you are. I wish you happiness. Please stay safe
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I spoke to him on phone (detail removed by moderator) and he said he loves me and wants to come home, I ended up saying (detail removed by moderator) dog to make him happy . Then he said about all the good things we could do (detail removed by moderator) and places we could go. He s planning on coming here with his kids (detail removed by moderator) to stay over. I agreed for the kids but now dreading it or hoping it will be ok
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I cant tell you what to do.
Re read my first reply remember just how s**t this life is. My husband hurts me and I hate living here did yours? Mentally emotionally sexually financially however whatever did he?
Do you really want that again?
Whatever you do, do it for you, be safe be brave be strong. X
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Well he came back (detail removed by Moderator) so he can have his children here which I said was ok for their sake. he called me and asked what I was wearing so I said (detail removed by Moderator). He said are you not getting changed in to a (detail removed by Moderator) or something I said no as walking the dog and nothing much fits me due to lack of exercise as I had (detail removed by Moderator) implants in (detail removed by Moderator) for confidence as they changed from weight loss. He said is that true or is it just lack of effort not dressing up. The (detail removed by Moderator) implants is another story he called me circus freak and all sorts of names after that op and photos of me labelled with names that I sent after op, I ended up crying all night. He said I had op to annoy him and to attract attention which is not true. He wanted me to improve them in first place .
(detail removed by Moderator) the dog ran up to him for some fuss and I said aren’t you going to stroke him as he wants you to, and he said why would I he’s an idiot. How can you be so cruel . Even if I hated a dog I d not ignore one .
(detail removed by Moderator) we went out all of us so I sent him half money for bill. He said I owe more as I had two of my children and he has one and I had one extra drink but he said don’t worry . Which made me worry,
Am I being over sensitive or is this just not on.
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