struggling

[unsinkableunicorn]

i’ve moved back home for (detail removed by Moderator) and i knew it would be bad but not this bad . i am moving out again in (detail removed by Moderator) and planned to work for the whole summer to stay out the way but that’s all fallen through so i’m stuck .
i feel so defeated
it’s constant belittlement from my abuser atm
i feel so ashamed in my body and i was making so much progress prior to moving back here
i have no safe place to go and escape from it so i’m trapped here
he constantly makes fun of my body and my looks and it’s weighing me down so much . it feel like all the therapy i’ve had was pointless because i’m just getting depressed again
i really don’t know what to do
i feel completely useless and stupid and ugly and am believing every word he says about me . it’s also a bit physical – the odd kick and hit etc but not as bad as it’s been in the past .
i’m really struggling with it and can’t get out of bed because i know when i go im going to get ripped into and made to me feel awful. i just want a way out .

[Lisa]

Hi unsinkableunicorn,

It must be so difficult to be back in this environment. It’s completely understandable that you’re believing his words now you’re confronted by the same behaviours. These patterns do take time to break and, although it doesn’t feel like it in this moment, the progress that you have made is still progress. It’s like you’re in protective mode right now so have slipped back into old coping methods and thought processes. Recovery usually isn’t linear and that’s a really hard thing but you will be moving out again and can get back to and surpass the progress you’ve already made.

You could reach out on the Live Chat or to your local domestic abuse service and discuss what’s happening, there may be options that you’re not aware of and you can be supported to put a plan together so you feel less stuck. Keep reaching out here for support too, you’re not alone.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

hi unsinkableunicorn

I can hear your disappointment at realising its all the same as it ever was, and you can perhaps see even more starkly the reasons you left before. This is so common, its often multiple attempts at leaving before leaving and staying away for good.

You have done this before, you now know how it works. You also know that he’s an abuser which is why you are wanting out, and knowing this is your armour against his lies. You know he lies because he’s an abuser, and you know he’s cruel. An abuser can find fault with everyone, can pull apart any person, any character, any face, any body, any sexuality, any intimacies. This is their bread and butter, they are the best at being cruel. We all know we have our flaws, or weaknesses, and there isn’t a single ‘perfect’ looking person on the planet, we are human, so not perfect, but we are enough, we are ok, we do not deserve to be picked to bits by some cruel and ugly abuser. I say ugly because this is his personality. The way he behaves is so low and barbaric to you and your well-being. Don’t ever look to an abuser for support, comfort or kindness, knowing them to be cruel, sadistic and uncaring, controlling dominators.

You wouldn’t do this to others, so you can see what he is doing is so wrong. Each of us is what we are, and he cannot change who you are, put up your shields to his words that you know will be cruel. You are better than this, better than him, you have strength inside and you will find it, and know that you are ok, more than ok, and deserving of so much better. Please keep talking to us and others irl about what this is doing to you, and keep knowing his words don’t change you, block them out, refuse to hear them and keep telling yourself you deserve so much more.

warmest wishes

ts

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