Struggling again…

[iwillbeok]

I need to talk. I have a fantastic counsellor (who I can tell anything to in our limited times) and very supportive family and friends, but I feel like I can’t open up more than a certain amount to them…

I’m hurting so bad. I’ve been talking more and more about the sexual assault with my counsellor, there’s an anniversary of sorts coming up so its all very much at the front of my mind. I knew this was what I needed to do – to look it full in the face, to expose it so it didn’t end up a healed over abscess – which would have been easier to do; just push it down and move on, be free…

I just didn’t expect my body to remember so strongly. Its almost like I’m back there. Like a scene in a movie – only with the same stomach churning fear, heart pounding and aching like it’s going to break! I keep crying at random moments. Everything is coming back so clearly; clearer now that I’m no longer in the fog, the scales off of my eyes…

Thw things he made me do. The things he made me say. Could only be because he believed he had broken me. And after, complete denial…
He knew exactly what he was doing.

It hurts so so bad. To my very core. That this man, who I gave my heart and my soul to, who let me believe that he loved me too, would use me and abuse me like that… would purposely hurt me like that..

He told me, after the longest time of not saying it, ‘cuddling’ in the dark after he raped me, that he loved me. My mind and gut were screaming at me “Run!” But I just froze. And said I loved him too. But I no longer did. He had killed any remaining love I felt.

I had to pretend that all was okay – for my kids, at work, in the shops, on my commute, to him. Because I didn’t know what would happen. He was calm and mild and gentlemanly – on the surface at least, but I could feel the tension underneath, the control he was placing on himself ansd that made it so much scarier. The calm before the storm! Christ if this was the calm, and that storm had broken – I dread to think what might have become of me…

So fed up of thinking. I have an almost constant low humming headache. I try self care and it helps for a while.

Really should try and sleep, but can’t block the images when I close my eyes…

I will keep trying. Thanks for listening…
Iwillbeok. Iwill.
X

[Tiffany]

So sorry you are struggling. I am up at work. I am afraid I don’t have any particularly relevant advice to give. I was lucky in that my flashbacks faded after only a couple of months. I still remember that heart churning awfulness of telling my abuser that I loved him after he had hurt me and I was paralyzed in confusion. But I wanted you to know that we are listening. You are not alone. On the practical side, have you tried anything to distract your brain as you fall asleep? I swear by audiobooks. I have a kids book about dragons. No romance, minimal violence and a gentle but interesting storyline that I rely on to get to sleep on bad nights. But whatever works for you though – radio, podcasts, music. They all give your brain something else to latch onto in bed – and so long as they are not so interesting that they don’t keep you awake they can really help.

[fridges]

Hello, Iwillbeok,
I can understand you well, once you have escaped, then you have time for you, to put the puzzle together, you could feel even worse than before. As I wish many times, I should have protected myself, there are many regrets.
I was told numbers of time, that how much I’m being loved, how attractive am i, that i’m too sexy not to have a sexual relationship with me. It does not give you the right, not respecting my “no”.
How often I have to have a quick sex, just in order he will leave me alone and will not bother me for the rest of the night and the morning. I was trying to do it as quick as possible, just in order he will leave me alone, and not trying to touch me all the time and do things to me.
And how often it happened when I was sick and he still have to do it on me, ignoring the fact that I fall ill.
The words he was saying to me, how he was justifying what he did to me, was put on me. It makes me feel disgusted, I can not put fully how it makes me feel. No longer I want to live this way.
If he tries to come back and to hurt me, or put pressure on me like before, or keep looking for me, finding out information about me, my life, I’m very close to the volcano, who is about to erupting. Now I’m in the process of finding out what can be done in my situation, how I can protect myself.
The worst thing of all – he was doing all this with the fake mask, he is there for me to protect, that he is genuine and caring about me. This fake love, fake friendship, fake care, was there to distract me from what was really going on.

Keep fighting, learn new ways how to live and grow.
Like you I feel the same way, I do not want to pretend anymore, I’m ok. Because I’m not ok. I do not want to wear the mask like I’m coping in life, that nothing happened, be the usual ‘super woman’ for everyone.
And finally I started to look for help.

[iwillbeok]

Thank you both for your kind replies, they did help when I read them. X

I’ve taken some time out today to just be with myself. To allow myself to process the feelings as they come. I’ve found some poems and also a song turned up on a playlist that helped. It’s called Growing Pains by Maria Mena.

But I wanna tell you I got through
The hardest of times on my own
I made some mistakes, I made a few
But I’ve learned that I am strong
And

Just because it hurts
Doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it
And even if it stings
It’s just a temporary thing
I’m not saying that changing
Won’t cost you love, won’t make you cry,
But it will all make sense…
When the growing pains subside

I need to be gentler with myself, give myself time to grieve, permission to take the time it will take to heal, to not rush myself. I have come so far already, I’m impatient to be ‘done’ (if that’s even ever possible!). But reality is it took a long, long time to get here, I’m not going to fix me with a snap of my fingers…

Take care, x

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