Struggling and feel a bit silly

[beekind]

Hi, I’m new to here, I’m really struggling and not really sure if I’m being daft.

Things are starting to get a bit out of control and I feel like I’m out of my body looking down and thinking what on earth am I doing!

My husband has anger issues, he swears, shouts, calls me names and I just put up with it. I try to do better and get more done around the house but his anger doesn’t change. Yesterday he said I don’t ever listen and if I ask a question 99.9% of the time I’m told “I’ve already told you….” I feel like I’m so forgetful that I just react to the situation now as he must have told me and I feel silly for questioning him.

He says I wear the same clothes all the time, recently he took (detail removed by moderator) items of clothing and (detail removed by moderator) so I wouldn’t wear them. He said he just wanted me to look nice, the problem is that I felt nice wearing those particular clothes!

Anyway, I’m sure there is more, it just felt good to get that down in writing!

[MockingBird123]

Hello,

I am new on here too and I can relate to much of what you have said. My partner often shouts and swears. I was on the phone to the gp again as he had called me crazy during an argument and an unfit mother and she suggested he may be gas lighting. I just don’t know as he then goes back to being nice, cooking the odd meal etc and it’s like I’ve made the whole thing up! If I ever question him or my in laws that’s when he gets nasty shouts, once he (detail removed by moderator). I don’t know what to think and I’m often so tired from looking after the kids anyway that I don’t know what to think or whether to tell him to leave or what. I am a bit worried about what he would do if I do tell him to leave as he’s even done things like contact my own family in the past or his and got them to gang up on me. At what point do you ask them to leave and what do you do if they won’t? Sorry this may not be all directly relevant to your post.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi MockingBird123

Welcome also, you ask them to leave when you are ready, and its safe to do so.

The odd dinner cooked by him, doesn’t change anything, certainly doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive just because he doesn’t abuse you every minute of every day but sometimes gets on with the other matters of life.

Have you reported him to the police, or are you speaking to any agencies about whats been happening to you? If so, they can help you to get non-molestation orders against him if he won’t leave, but it does depend on your each person’s home situation. If you own the home, or him, or jointly, or you jointly rent, or its his rental. You can approach the council too if he’s the one renting, as rental agreements have been changed to support an abused woman and he has to leave. Maybe have a read of their website if this is relevant to your situation. You can get occupation orders also, that will mean he has no right to return to the home, and will have to leave.

Keep reading on the forum and posting to get all the support you need for your particular situation, and I’m sorry that you too are going through this. AS you have children, your health visitor should be aware of the abuse he is subjecting your children to also. His abuse of you, is abusing the children because of the pain it will cause them witnessing the terrible abuse of you, and its fractures their family unit emotionally and psychologically.

Reach out all you can, and keep talking

warmest wishes

TS

[Twisted Sister]

hi beekind, and welcome to the forum, and for making a brave post about your worrying situation. I am sorry that you are being treated this way.

Yes, he is tricking you by denying anything in this way. It is gaslighting, telling you that you are forgetting and have not remembered things right, and have ‘already been told’, a horrible thing to do to someone you are supposed to be loving instead. It creates a terrible dilemma in our heads when someone that we believe in tells us something that completely goes against what we thought! Doing this to someone over even a short period of time, can do great harm to your mental and emotional state. Its like continually living on April Fool’s Day, and terribly damaging. Keep talking to your GP. Its also the case that under these circumstances, created by him, that you will be less able to think clearly, and when you are under fear of any threat it is much harder to recall things very clearly, and you mention feeling outside of yourself, which is another worrying sign of the effect his awful abuse is having on you.

Trust yourself, prioritise your needs to be safe, to feel safe, and if you need to, keep notes somewhere safe that you can refer to so that you know you are not getting it wrong, but he is doing this deliberately. The longer you are treated this way the worse you will feel and it will erode your belief in yourself and your confidence so dramatically.

Find your own supports wherever you can, relay incidents to them so you have a record with third parties who can back you up when you are feeling you have it wrong, it is very powerful having someone say back to you that it was actually the way you remmeber it, or especially when you’ve forgotten some of the worst bits, and they remind you of them. Keep writing and talking all you can to help you work through what he’s doing and what you want to do about it.

warmest wishes

ts

[beekind]

Thank you to both of you for replying. I really appreciate it. We also have two young children which adds to the complexities of leaving him. I’m new to the forum but the problems have been going on a long time and I think this is me accepting that I can’t carry on like this and I need to make some decisions.

I can’t work out if there is a cycle to his behaviour, but maybe there is. Something annoys him and then he loses his temper, calls me horrible names, swears etc. it’s not physical although he has punched doors and walls. I get told I’m stupid, that I don’t follow instruction and I don’t listen.

I sometimes think I must be doing something wrong. He’s pushed me so far away we’re kind of living parallel lives with him golfing at least one day at the weekend and me with the children.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Beekind

please don’t waste any of your valuable energy trying to understand what hes doing. You find it unacceptable and its frightening, punching walls is still a massive threat, you don’t know when it will be you, even if at the moment you don’t think he would do it to you, it is still very frightening deep down, at a gut level to see someone carry out such violence under such anger.

you cannot guarantee that won’t be you or your children the next time.

Yes, gather yourself and make your decisions. Do keep posting to help you with support and processing your experiences. Stay safe.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Also, just reading your post again, is he behaving like this outside the home, at work, socially? or does he just keep this for you and your children? I don’t think he has an anger management problem, I think he has control and power problems. He is good at anger management, and is fabricating it to scare you so you lose power and therefore he gains control.

ts

[nbumblebee]

Whether or not he has an ager issue it does not mean he has any right to treat you in this way.
Mine is the same although he has hit me and does sometimes threathen me he is also so full of anger and rage its scarey isnt it?
We should not be scared in our own homes and especially not of those who are meant to love us.
Dont doubt yourself keep reading posts on here keep learning and keep talking this through.
You deserve to live without fear you deserve more xx

[Author]

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