Struggling and Questioning Myself

[BeautyMarked]

This is really difficult for me as I am feeling really conflicted.

I am a (detail removed by moderator) who met someone through Tinder back in (detail removed by moderator). I liked him straight away as we just clicked and had tons in common. I loved that he was intelligent, funny and charming. We talked for a good time before we actually met up in (detail removed by moderator). I feel ridiculous that I got attached so quickly but I really felt as though I hadn’t met anyone quite like him. When we met things felt so right and we slept together. He seemed really different because he didn’t rush off and even made sure to let me know we’d see each other again. When I didn’t hear from him I got worried that he’d used me. It bothered me as I don’t jump into sexual relationships lightly. Eventually he resurfaced but he was cagey. He then went on to tell me this bizarre story about a girl he had met (detail removed by moderator). I was up all night listening to him talk about her. The way he spoke was unbelievable and I’ve never heard anyone speak about someone in that way. It was intense and I was mesmerised, hurt and full of compassion all at the same time. It was bizarre and yet I just wanted to be there for him. The strangest thing is that nothing happened between them. (detail removed by moderator). When he met me he said he was ready to ‘turn a corner’ in his dating life (which I have learned from his friend has been ‘sordid’ before meeting me). He said he didn’t realise that she still had so much ‘power’ over him and wasn’t sure if he could love me and be available to me. I said I wasn’t necessarily asking for that right now since things were new between us, but that I cared for him and liked him as a person and so wanted to stick around to find out if it could be a possibility. He agreed, saying he didn’t want me to feel used. Looking back it was a bit humiliating as the way he it was like he was doing desperate little me a favour. I took it because I wanted things to work out and didn’t want to throw away a chance with a person I connected with on so many levels in a way I’d never experienced before.

Fast forward a few weeks and we had a bit of a fight as he was seeing other people and not treating me that great in general. I should have walked away, but the thing was that things were fine when we slept together and a few days after then he would distance himself. By this time I was blinded by the promise of what could be due to the powerful attraction we had and just held on to the fact that he was going through a difficult time. Looking back I feel ridiculous but I just liked him.

(detail removed by moderator). I was due to pick him up and we would spend the night together. When he approached my car I could tell something was wrong. He just didn’t look happy. He got in and didn’t really greet me and was silent and sullen. I got back to mine and figured I would have to break the ice so I asked him what was wrong. He said he’d talk to me about it when we got upstairs. I could feel the rage radiating from him and his eyes were wild so I said no. He then launched into a verbal attack on me which included calling me a psychopath amongst other things. I was scared and shocked and called my flatmates for help. I thought I’d never see him again. About this time I worried about the possibility of pregnancy. I use an application to chart my cycle and that’s it (I know, please no judgement). He knew this and was fine with it and even laughed about it saying that he believed it was just as good as any other method. His friend later said that he always used condoms with other women but wanted to ‘feel that connection’ with me. Long story short I did become pregnant. He wasn’t happy and accused me of being untrustworthy and duping him. He claimed I said I’d have an abortion if I became pregnant and although we did discuss this I said I couldn’t say how I would feel or what I would do. It then became this battle about proving myself trustworthy and having to choose between working things out with him and keeping the baby. I wanted both but that was not an option. He told me if I had it I’d be worse than dead, that it was like being told he had aids and that I had ruined his life. He originally said that if I terminated we could work on our relationship. I wanted that so worked to try to get myself into that position. He then changed his mind so although I was disappointed he decided he no longer wanted to work things out with me it made my decision difficult but simple as I didn’t really want a termination. He then got his female friend involved. She intimidated me at first and came on aggressively saying she didn’t trust me etc I could tell they were both mistrustful of me as they kept asking me medical questions and I felt backed into a corner which, looking back on my text history, makes me look erratic and irrational. I was always fearful of their reactions and sometimes I made up stuff just to get them off my back. I feel so guilty about it but I didn’t know what else to do as it was two against one. I should have stopped talking to her but my relationship was hanging in the balance so I tried to be friends with her but never trusted her as she said she was going to fly out to support him because he was going to need her because of what I was putting him through. I just felt so powerless. The thing would have been to ignore them both but I can’t help the way I felt about him even though I would try to call him out on his behaviour. It only ever made things worse.

Fast forward and we are back (detail removed by moderator) I booked an appointment for an abortion as his friend had ‘fixed’ things so that we could work on our relationship as long as I terminated. It was so difficult to get myself to that point as I just didn’t really want abortion to be part of my life. I was also afraid that I might do it and he would leave me straight after even though he said he wouldn’t. To test this I asked whether it would be the same if I miscarried and he said of course, that it wasn’t a quid pro quo and that he just wanted to work things out with me. It was what I wanted to hear and believe so I tried. I didn’t really get too far with it as I was looking for him to change his behaviour towards me to show he was committed since I would be doing such a big thing for him. He said we were starting back at square one which sounded right. However, I had doubts as he said that he didn’t feel comfortable with me, with staying the night or having sex. I was full of doubts because I thought that this was hardly a good basis for a relationship. So when I went to the clinic I told them I was conflicted and felt under pressure. I said if I could know my baby was ok, I might have the strength to walk away. They told me it was fine but they said a couple of things that made me worry so I booked a private scan where the doctor said things did not look good. So I booked in for the termination the following day but they told me it could still be ok so I couldn’t go through with it again! I was so hurt and confused by everything so led him to believe I’d had the abortion as he and his friend were on at me. I thought if I was going to miscarry it would be the same result. I did start to miscarry a few days later and felt so vulnerable and down and upset. I contacted him and he made me feel bad for needing him and we fell out. It was as I had feared it seemed. He just made me feel bad all the time and everything was on his terms, he was not meeting my needs at all. He then told me (detail removed by moderator)! I’m not going to lie, I was jealous as I was already feeling insecure in the relationship and about his true feelings for me. We had another argument as (detail removed by moderator). It was the last straw as it seemed he was never going to stand up for me as his girlfriend. He called me deranged but once again we worked it out and the last time I heard from him things were fine. As soon as she entered the country I didn’t hear from him. She called me bat s**t insane, told me to grow up and stop creating drama. She said I’d lied about my pregnancy and that she was going to tell him I was breaking up with him. I was so upset and confused. I can’t understand why I didn’t hear from him. She said lots of hurtful things and pushed me so much that I deliberately made it ambiguous as to whether I was still pregnant. Once again I feel guilty about that. I was perhaps too needy but I’d just had a miscarriage and it was weighing on my mind so heavily that I was plucking up the courage to tell him the truth but couldn’t do it as I was always afraid of how he would react. I reported the whole thing to the police and (detail removed by moderator).

I’m struggling so much as I feel like it’s all my fault. I look back on my text history and cringe as it looks like it’s me. But I was so backed into a corner and floundering. I feel so guilty and don’t even know if what I’ve been through is abusive. I’ve been told I can make a formal complaint and/or go back to the police but as I say I’m frightened as he’ll be furious with me. I also feel he’ll manipulate and use my erratic text history against me to make it look like I’m to blame. I want mediation as I still love him and feel if he knew the truth we could work it out, but deep down I know this has not been right. I know mediation is being discouraged because of risk of further harm to myself even though I feel I’d suffer more harm by going down the formal complaint route.

Is this abuse? I can’t decide whether to make a complaint as I feel I won’t be believed. If this is abusive I feel like I do want validation and an acknowledgement of what has happened to me, I want him to go on a course and learn about what he’s done. I also feel a responsibility as this person also has (detail removed by moderator) responsibilities and so is potentially a risk. Can anyone help me make sense of what’s happened to me and/or give me an idea of how I should proceed? I feel like nothing is not an option.

[KIP.]

Hi, it’s the bit where his friends say his dating life had been sordid. That’s not a good sign coming from his friends. I think you need to speak to your GP about counselling. Having a miscarriage is an awful thing and your hormones will be all over the place. Try to concentrate on yourself for the time being. He is not your responsibility and I think you’ve done the right thing by reporting his behaviour. You are not to blame for his behaviour which is appalling. Hopefully your complaint to the police will be a black mark against him and hopefully if they gather enough evidence he will be arrested. However, you need to speak to someone about all that’s been going on. A therapist or ring women’s aid helpline or find your local branch and get some support in place. Victim support are also a great organisation and perhaps Human Resources at the college could help you too x

[diymum@1]

hi there,

alot of the tactics here he has used are abusive. he has his own need at the top of his agenda im afraid. youve been through real trauma loosing your baby – i am so sorry – he showed you no compassion at all and that says alot. you on the other hand would have been selfless enough to put your studies on hold to have your baby? you are obviously very upstanding, your not crazy and anyone would have reacted as you did. i met a guy too when i was at college and he was the same he would put other women right under my nose and sit back and laugh- he did the same as your saying he went on and on about another girl to me how much he missed and how much her body looked so much better than mines! thanks for that! this is called triangulation in toxic relationships -basically an ego trip. i would say he has used intimidation – youve felt that you were on egg shells and he more or less has blackmailed you into having a termination, he is so so wrong in putting you under that pressure. although you have choices and should have. when they called you a psychopath this was their projection- i also think this was his confession? id complain and make sure ur not in the same dorm etc perhaps get in touch with womens aid- have you read why does he do that? by lundy bancroft – i bet lots of your friends would benefit from reading this it flags up the warning signs of abusive men and how they think. you have your whole life ahead of you and you will get through this love diymum

[BeautyMarked]

Thanks for your replies as I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I look back at my chat history as I’m trying to collate evidence and I feel I’m going to have a lot to answer for. I’m being well supported but am finding it hard to compile this complaint when I sometimes feel that I was the one in the wrong. He’s really clever and I know he will use my texts to make me look unhinged. The good thing is I also have messages from him too but I look back and feel like they’ve both been clever and I feel I will have to account for my own erratic behaviour. I’ve been in touch with WA, GP, Counsellor and am in touch with and ISVA so all the support is there. I’m just trying to get through my conflict of still wanting him and feeling like it’s my fault alongside the fact that deep down I know that this is not right and that he potentially poses a risk to others. I want the mediation but understand why it’s being discouraged. So then I want to make the complaint so that I can at least get closure as I haven’t even spoken to him and he still doesn’t know the truth of what happened to our baby – not that he cares, I’m sure. He either thinks I lied or that I’m still pregnant. I feel so bad about it all. I just struggle as to whether it’s abuse or just a bad relationship. I feel it’s abuse but this is the first time this has happened to me and I have no experience of abuse to know whether it is or not. The police said no criminal offence had been committed but I’ve been advised that it might come under this new Coercive Control law that is still misunderstood. I know I can go back to them, but don’t know whether I should. I feel the formal complaint is a good place to start but I will be crushed if they don’t uphold my complaint.

Thanks so much for replying x

[diymum@1]

id say this is coersive control – maybe read around all of this then jot down what applies to what happened to you. abuse makes us feel like we have ‘foggy thinking’ abusers make us feel like its us because were upset when we react to their abuse. of course were going to emotional even irrational but thats not the same as being abusive. abuse is intent to hurt someone (its pre-meditated) its to fuel his ego because something in him is lacking – ive read that these men are hiding alot of shame and inferiority and theyre like emotional vampires. also you feelings of love for him mayb trauma bonds have a look on google. mediation is not a good idea because when there is someone trying to keep control(him) he will deny everything and switch it round on you – my advice would be learn how this works and be ready xx youve had a lucky escape x*x

[KIP.]

I think the bottom line is would you treat another human being the way he treated you? No you wouldn’t. His verbal attack on you is a crime. It’s something that made you fear for your safety. I would make that complaint and ask them to look further into your report. The police are stretched and I wouldn’t always trust their first response. Let a more senior officer look at it again as the new coercive control laws are not widely used. Even if they don’t agree with you, you can have peace of mind knowing you did everything. Mediation is definitely not a good idea. He will twist everything x

[Flowerchild]

He and his so-called friend have properly messed with your head, Beauty darling!

Push/pull, manipulation and constantly shifting rules of engagement are classic emotional abuse tactics.

I wouldn’t worry for a moment about what they think of you; their opinion is not worth listening to and it would never settle. Your opinion of yourself is what matters most.

I see their nasty game as a sort of blindman’s buff with you blindfolded and stumbling between them as the spin and shove you here and there.

The deciding act that showed his true colours was setting you the false and apalling choice between termination and ‘working things out’ with him. That was cruel, callous and even sadistic.

And all that fuss about what you were ‘putting him through’?! Whose life was likely to be turned upside down by an unplanned pregnancy? Not his! What about what YOU were going through and have gone through?

He was looking for a victim to play his games with from the start, I think, hence spinning that weird tale to reel you in.

Your only fault has been to be too trusting, too honest, too kind-hearted, too ready to love, I think. As for the dishonesty in some of your messages, you were being tormented until you said whatever would make it stop, I think. Nobody would dare judge you for that.

I’m so sorry you have experienced such a traumatic series of events at the hands of this abuser and his allies, especially losing the baby. But I do think you have dodged a whole fusillade of bullets! Imaging being forced into contact with him for the next 18 years…

You can meet good people on dating sites but sharks lurk there, too.

Have you got tested for STIs? It would be wise. Who knows where he’s been?!

Please stay right away from him now, darling, and give yourself time to recover. You’re smart, not crazy, and you have a bright future ahead if you cut him out.

Have you looked at how to do no-contact? It would be a very smart strategy for cutting this abuser and all his crew out of your life.

Flower x

[BeautyMarked]

Thank you so much everyone. You make me feel stronger again. It’s just a constant cycle of feeling I love him, feeling depressed about what’s happened both in terms of him and the baby and being angry at it and wanting to be heard. I wish I could stop blaming myself and will look into all these things that you’ve said. This is all new to me and I have no idea. They definitely did mess with me as I feel like I don’t know or trust myself anymore. It’s like I’m not ready to believe this is who he is. I make excuses for him and blame myself, but you’re right. I would not dream of doing this to anyone, especially when they are pregnant and vulnerable. He always said he liked my caring and nurturing nature and that it was lovely for him to be around as he knew how much I cared for him. I can’t understand why he did this then. It hurts so much and I just wish I could speak to him to give him one more chance even though I gave him many to make things right. It’s just hard to come to terms with. I’ve lost so much: my mental health (I’m depressed and anxious), my physical health (I can’t sleep or eat), I’m not sure that I’m going to be able to finish my course and have had to turn down job interviews for jobs I would have loved as I can’t stand to be in the area which is an area I hoped to relocate to. I can’t walk into town anymore for fear of bumping into him. My life has totally changed in this short space of time. Most of all I wanted that baby and I feel it’s my fault for not taking care of myself. Sometimes I also blame them for putting me under such strain that I stopped caring for myself. I feel I’ll never get over it. I’m (age removed by moderator) and I feel I’m going to struggle to trust again after this and I’m not exactly getting any younger for babies either. I just long for him to say that it was all just a stressful mess and that he’ll make it all up to me as he promised me. I feel so crazy for thinking this, but I can’t just forget him. I will look up trauma bonding as I feel ridiculous for loving him. I just hate that someone can despise me so much to have done this to me.

Thanks so much everyone x

[KIP.]

What you’re feeling is all normal after such an abusive experience and you will recover from this. Stronger. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. It will take time to recover. Zero contact and time. Also, force yourself to eat and drink. You need sustenance for body and mind. Lean on your loved ones and take baby steps x

[diymum@1]

hi there – its not that he despised you its more he cant truly feel compassion or love- not properly. abusive men live in a different reality to us they can be very entitled individuals – look up entitlement it says it all. you will get through this but youll need support – once youve read around this subject youll see this is not your fault at all. you will come across people who do blame you but that is ignorance. theres alot to this and when you look at trauma bonding it is often likened to stolkholm syndrome its a survival strategy – weve all fel this its like a drug and when were in the process of getting away from an abuser- its abit like withdrawal – it gets better with time and no contact xx this experience is awful and it gives us anxiety but with support youll get there. on this forum we see that people go through stages sometimes in varying sequences. so denial- enough is enough-anger- feeling hopeless-self blaming/realisation/understanding – then acceptance and moving forward xx we get there x*x much love diymum

[Author]

Posts