Struggling as a single mum with no support

[Newst@rt]

Hi everyone, it has been ages since I last posted. My ex was abusive in every way imaginable other than physical, I met him when I was very young, he was much older than me and we were together a long time. I eventually realised what was happening and managed to flee and return to my home town, but literally left with nothing other than my children and had to rebuild my life – I lost everything.
At first we lived with my parents, which was difficult as my mum is an alcoholic. I hated her being around my children, and she’d be drunk every day from mid-afternoon onwards. We’ve always had a difficult relationship, I feel as though she ‘checked out’ when I was 10 or so, I don’t really remember her being there for me at all as I was growing up, and I struggled with depression, self-harm and bulimia. Just recently she has stopped ‘functioning’ as an alcoholic. I eventually decided to limit her contact with my children and she took it really badly – she has turned up at my house, shouting and swearing at me in front of my children, has sent me abusive texts, saying my children ‘must be so lonely’ just to have me, and that because of my ‘stubbornness’ my children don’t have a relationship with their dad. I recently was lucky enough to find my dream job in an utterly supportive organisation where I feel valued and inspired, and I can work around my children. Because of things that happened with my ex I wasn’t sure how I would be able to find meaningful work, but my mum has been trying to cause trouble for me, threatening to report me and ringing the organisation, asking to speak to my manager so she can tell her what a b***h I am.
She’s pretty seriously ill – I’m certain her addiction will kill her. She’s been arrested several times and my dad has had to leave. I no longer have any contact with her, but my dad and siblings still do, and I think they’re judging and blaming me – a few times it has been suggested that none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t stopped mum from seeing my children. I just feel that, although addiction is a disease, she does still have a choice. If she reached out for help and wanted to stop, I’d be right behind her.
My issue is that I feel completely abandoned by the rest of my family. I’ve never had much support, we rarely see them and they don’t babysit or help out, but I now feel utterly abandoned and it really hurts. Life is a struggle – managing money and juggling work, my children and our home. I don’t feel as though I have any space for anything else, and that I’m doing it all badly, even though I know how lucky I am to have these three things – my children, a home and a job I love. I don’t hear from the rest of my family anymore, and I’m tired of always feeling like I’m the only one making an effort. I don’t understand why the rest of my family can’t see how hard things are, or why they don’t want to help.
My dad and siblings feel sorry for my mum, they think she is seriously mentally ill, but I only see an abusive alcoholic.
How do I move on with my life and stop feeling so resentful? I’m so, so tired and feel as though I’m doing a bad job. I look around my home and see all the things that need doing, and I’m struggling to balance everything. We live in a fairly middle class suburb and I feel I stick out as a single mum. Life feels so heavy sometimes. I feel so let down by my family but know I could never confront them about it. I wonder if my mum is abusive and if we’re all walking on eggshells around her, enabling her and feeling afraid to confront her – I know the thought of seeing her makes me feel very scared and panicky. I feel as though I need to let go of my family and rebuild my life with my children, but don’t know how to do that. I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I guess just to see if anyone can see things objectively and give me some advice, or if anyone’s been through anything similar. Thank you for reading x

[nbumblebee]

Hey I wanted to reach out and show some support.
Im still with my nasty husband but can relate a little on your family issues.
Ive not had the nicest upbringing and through talking have maybe realised that not only is my hubby a narc but my mum also. She ignored the fact that my brother was hurting me and i was the one who left hime at (detail removed by Moderator) and i am the troubled one well i was now ahe is all over me and i cant stop trying to please her no matter what the consequences for myself.
Its so tough when you have no support it really is. Have you tried to maybe reach out and talk to someone? Dr counsellor a friend maybe?
You cant go through this alone is there someone at work that you could lean on?
No matter how alone we feel having toxic people in our lives dont help they dont help at all and you dont deserve the stuff your mum is putting you through regardless of her own problems.
You need to put yourself and your children first sweetie if that means cutting all ties then do that I cant talk about that bit as im still deep within all mine but I can see how your situation must be devestaing and confusing for you.
Reach out dont try and cope with all this alone its too much, give yourself some love you are doing a great job in tough circumstances.
Big hugs x*x

[Newst@rt]

Thank you so much nbumblebee. It is interesting, I do feel that if my upbringing had been different I wouldn’t have been vulnerable to my ex. Even when my mum was functioning I did feel there were similarities between her behaviour and his. I’ve thought about moving away, not too far, but then wonder if I’m cutting my nose off to spite my face, and if choosing to isolate myself from my family is a good idea when I’m already struggling, although part of me can see a fresh start and the chance to create a new life, away from everything, for me and my children. I do worry that my children need more role models, especially male ones, and that I should try to make things with my family work. I feel especially guilty because the rest of my family are trying to support my mum, even though she is aggressive and making terrible choices.
I’m sorry to hear your husband is nasty. I really do hope that you can find happiness.

[nbumblebee]

Your kids may need role models but positive ones sweetie exposing them to your mum may not be the way to go?
I agree with you if i hadnt of been abused then raped at (detail removed by Moderator) i would never have run to my now husband who i believed had saved me so yes i can definatly see where you are coming from.
I guess its up to us to stop that cycle by taking our kids out and away. Foe mine its too late by the time i came on here and understood what was happening mine are all grown uo but still now i tell them how to treat a woman and how not to we openly talk together and they are decent humans.
You have nothing to feel guilty about your family have made their choice as you have made yours doesnt make your choice wrong in any way it makes it your choice you do whats right for you and your children. Xxxxxxx

[Newst@rt]

Thank you and, for what it is worth, I don’t think it is ever too late. I’m sure you’re doing a great job as a mum xxxx

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