Struggling at the moment

[Sleepy]

I seem to be really struggling at the moment, no sooner do I take a step forward then everything quickly clouds over again. Do other people find this?

Also I have this feeling I ‘lost’ something when I was raped but don’t know what I lost. It’s really bugging me at the moment.

[Stuck here]

Hi sleepy,

I’m by no means an experienced person to be answering this for you. I’m sure there’s many others on here who can be a lot more helpful. I’m still relatively new to all this and finding my way around. But yes I often feel I’m getting somewhere and making progress and then end up right back where I was or in a worse position.

As for having “lost” something when you were raped. I get what you’re saying, it’s strange, almost like you just don’t feel like you anymore. Something has been taken from you. I personally, don’t like people touching me anymore. Before I would have been a very huggy person.

I hope someone more experienced comes along soon. Just wanted to say hi 😊

[KIP.]

Trauma can leave us feeling dislocated from reality. Have you have some trauma counselling or spoke to someone about the rape? And yes, recovery is a real rollercoaster so just take baby steps and be kind to yourself. The Body Keeps The Score is a good book about trauma x

[Anonymous]

Hi Sleepy…. This is such a tender subject, isn’t it? I know… I am a rape/incest survivor myself. And it does change us, we do lose something, we really do. I have no idea who I would have been had this not happened to me? I will never know that. My innocence was stolen at age (detail removed by Moderator). My whole world was shattered and my ability to trust was severely impacted. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I lived in fear all the time and I was fearless before. I never knew when I would be trapped and it would happen again. I lost all ability to sleep well. You still cannot sneak into my bedroom without me knowing and I can be in a full on snore and I will say – what’s up? You need something? Used to freak my husband right out. He’s like, I didn’t make a sound and I would say – you didn’t have to, I felt you there.

My fight or flight button got turned on pretty permanently for a long time. I still deal with it but not near as bad and yes, I have PTSD but again, nothing like it used to be. I was very outgoing and I became very inward. Was very chatty, got really quiet. I became a “watcher”. I stopped being in the moment, stopped connecting with my body, lived outside of it. I looked at every man I saw, every father and wondered if they – do this, too?

I felt insignificant to the whole world like if I died tomorrow, no one would care and how could they after this happened to me, I didn’t even really care for myself for awhile. Walked around like a zombie. Couldn’t concentrate at school, just went through the motions. I had been attacked and was continuing to be attacked sometimes a few times a week so I became very numb – to everything and everyone. I distanced myself from myself. So yes……..you do lose alot….

All that being said, it took me awhile but I got alot of what I lost – back. Became the spunky me I was before. Probably gained more fire in my belly than I had previously, too, because I got really really Angry!!!! How Dare you do that to me!!!!! I was surprised to see that my self confidence came back with a roll of thunder to it as well. I think because – what else do you think you can do to me? I think you’ve done it all now and guess what? I’m still standing. I have nothing to lose now and that’s a very serious opponent looking in your direction.

My abilities regarding being intuitive grew about ten fold as well. All my senses actually heightened and sharpened because of the need to survive. No, I wasn’t innocent anymore and I don’t mean that in the way of being guilty at all – what I mean is that child kind of innocence, that was gone. I grew up on the spot then, had entered the adult world without being one yet but I was there and there was no going back.

I became a little warrior in the making. Even while the abuse was going on and went on for years, there was this other part of me that was growing, becoming stronger and stronger. Yes I was a prisoner but not inside my own head. She was in training… Butterfly wings were beating beating against my cocoon, getting stronger, getting dry.. My story of when my father and I clashed was a very dramatic one and won’t tell it here because we shouldn’t identify ourselves like that. I won however!

But while I might never have known who I would have been before the abuse, who I became isn’t so bad. I like me. I have my weaknesses, I have my faults, warts, p*ssy little parts, stubborn little parts, all of the above but I still like me. I took all the nasty and said, I will so not allow that man to take the rest of my life from me and I will graft the broken pieces back on and know that – any grafted place is actually stronger than any other part. Trees for example with grafts are stronger in that area.. And I did do just that. Defiant and determined. He stole but I have wonderful creative powers and I just planted something else in those holes and grew something even better. We can do that.

I had to re-learn how to do alot of things all over again, much like someone in a car crash who is severely damaged. That was me. We are very very injured when a rape occurs and it only takes once, it doesn’t have to be ongoing like mine was. One time is more than enough to flood your whole being with pain and impact your life with a devastating blow. I have many scars and I have battled with alot of things all my life in relation to this abuse and other abuses he did to me. But never, ever underestimate the power of the human spirit….first book I ever read that really impacted me at age 10 was about Helen Keller. That woman became my hero. She will always be that to me. Our abuse doesn’t have to define us. Our cells each day are actually making us a new us. I feel your pain and your loss….I do. Have you spoken to any therapists trained in this? Feel free to PM me if you want to, I am here for you….

[Sleepy]

Hi Stuck here, thanks for your reply. I guess at least I’m not on my own then when it comes to one step forward, one back scenarios. This morning someone I was talking to suggested the word stolen along with lost as we were both trying to think of words that would help put it into words. Which Started a conversation about burglaries and how she’d felt when her car was stolen and she’d got it back, not Feeling comfortable in it and not wanting to be In it, and as she was describing the feeling I’m saying ,’yeah, that’s exactly what it’s like! I don’t want to be in me.’ Which may not make any sense but it sort of helped a bit. It’s probably a combination of the two things, lost and stolen, but later when I was thinking about it it did seem to help take the pressure off me, it’s not my fault when someone else steals something, but may be if I loose something.

Hi KIP, I am getting counselling, we’re upping it to every week as I’ve been struggling so much recently. Hopefully that will help a bit. I’ll try and look at book at some point though I can’t concentrate much to read at the moment so it may be a while.

Braelynn, Thanks, Your post brought tears to my eyes! For me it was only once and yes I was badly injured but told no one for years, my anger is still suppressed I think, even now. I will PM you in the next few days.

[Anonymous]

Was just listening to a woman I really like who was talking about empaths. I am one so, I love the info. She is Christina Lopes. I think alot of us might be this and it’s helpful to know about because it explains many things. Basically an empath is gifted in the way of being able to feel what another person is going through, taking empathy to a whole new level. I am also a highly sensitive person. If we are wounded and stuck in some ways then our codependency can escalate to a very high level as we leave the realm of taking care of ourselves to putting others first, especially a mate. Just something to think about…

Yeah well, my story is a bit harsh, Sleepy but I wanted you to know I get you… I don’t mind talking about it, been doing that for years. I never had a problem to be honest which really really bothered alot of people. I’m like no, I’m not going to just push it under the carpet here to make all of you feel better. That’s the problem isn’t it? We keep doing that. Hiding the truth. I heard – oh people will think bad of you, just get over it, move on, etc.? LOL! Then guess what? I don’t want those people in my life if they do and might as well get that one out in the open asap! I was the person who would literally walk up to someone that I was picking up vibes about and just ask them – who raped you? Imagine the reaction from people who had been raped and never told a soul? That has happened many many times. But in every case, they did end up talking and we would work together for quite some time until they had dealt with some major issues.

I’m just not a fan of not talking about these things. We carry around huge huge wounds in us that become infected and affect every part of us so sometimes it just has to be lanced and the poison ooze out. I don’t know any other way to say it. And anger? Oh my, that’s a huge one and a stage you absolutely have to go through. I used to take someone out to a rock quarry that’s abandoned and I’d say – save all your glass bottles, jars. Bring a big plastic refuse bag, goggles, broom, dust pan. We’d go out and I’d take a bottle or jar and put it in their hand and ask them to hurl it at the stone wall with all their might while thinking about one thing/one person and to yell a gutoral scream from deep inside their stomach. Well, at first their throwing was limp at best and their scream really wasn’t. More like a mouse with a whimper. So, I’d do it and their eyes would bug out like – I think I’m scared of you right now! LOL! They eventually got there after a few tries and then they seriously got on a roll. Made me cry watching them because it was sooo good and healing for them and I felt their pain, I did. The next day however, I’d get a call with them saying – I hate you. I’m like why??? Because, half of my body is killing me from all the throwing! yeah, well, should have said – stretch first…. hot bath, salts, massage maybe??

Then I couldn’t stop them. They wanted to do it again and again. And of course they cleaned up their mess btw, needed to say that. I knew a therapist who I absolutely adored, that had a stack of tires ranging in size from floor to ceiling, larger to smaller. And at some point he’d ask you to beat them with a ballbat. Imagine the noises coming from his office!! The other technique that was fun was screaming at the top of your lungs with the window down, just not when anyone else can hear you. I nearly made a little old lady have a heart attack when I did it at a stop light one time. Not okay. I have to be responsible with my screaming.

We can go back to that time and we can tell that abuser Off!!! Scream No and anything else you want to say. It feels good. It feels really really good! I told my father off twice actually. Once the first go round and again when I was in my 30’s. It was so empowering. Funny seeing him be afraid of “me”. Oh darn, I grew up and I’m a nasty piece of business now in my own defense. I was quite adept at self defense at that time, too. I think he picked up on that one. They are all cowards, the lot of them. Dangerous nonetheless however, all they want you to think is that you have no power. That’s just not true, unless we believe it true of course.

So yes, it’s time to open Pandora’s box, love. Your hurt self is in there saying, can I please come out into the fresh air now? I need to heal! So PM whenever you feel like it. Hugs!!

[Author]

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