20th October 2023 at 4:44 pm #162534Dahlia23Participant
It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, my partner never seems to appreciate a thing . I take care of all of the household chores , take care of the children , walk miles each day to get from work/school/home as I don’t drive and everywhere is far from where we live , i do all the cooking , washing , bedtime routines , take the bins out etc and I don’t expect anything in return as such -I know it’s all part of being a mum etc but there’s just never any gratitude, not even acknowledgement for what I do. He seems to think because he works more hours than I do that it’s fair enough that I should do everything else. Am I wrong in feeling this is unfair ?He ignores me for days on end if I voice any issues I have . He never gives me a break. I feel like I prisoner in my own home . He accuses me of messaging men when I’m on my phone . I pay all of the bills ,rent etc out of my bank and his weekly wage goes on food and just other stuff , the money I get goes in one day and out the next on the bills so I’ve never got my own money as such , he will give me money but I feel it isn’t right that I never have anything of my own for extra bits during the month without having to ask him . I’m so tired . I’ve tried to leave him before but co-parenting with him turned into a living nightmare and I felt in the end it was in the kids best interests for him to be with me rather than the torment of Being apart as he made my life so difficult via the kids . He initially didn’t see them for months and then eventually demanded that he did . Then he’d take the kids for the odd weekend then they’d come home in such an emotional state as he’d make such a big deal about leaving them , didn’t reassure them ,he just didn’t make it easy at all , it’s hard to explain . And he Refused to speak to me at pick ups and drop offs ,he wouldn’t pay a penny in maintenance either. Sorry for the rant,I just don’t know what to do .
20th October 2023 at 9:36 pm #162538LisaMain Moderator
It seems you have just started to post here, so welcome to the forum.
Understandably you are reaching out here for some advice and support and I’m sure soon other women here will respond with empathy. Unfortunately, and as you are already aware; abusers rarely, if ever, change. I can understand how it could feel somehow more manageable to stay in the relationship, as it sounds like he made sure you struggled even more when apart. The difference in leaving is, it can be a challenge and overwhelming at times, but there is resolve at the end of it ultimately. What will be key for you is that you get as much support and advice as possible, every step of the way.
You may be already aware of your local domestic abuse service. Do contact them again, if need be, as they can start helping you with a plan to leave the relationship. They often have links to good solicitors too. Let them know all your concerns and they can explain your options.
The Coram Children’s Legal Centre provide free legal resources with advice and information on all aspects of family, child and education law, including relationship breakdown; parental disputes, duties of children’s services; child protection. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480 (10am-4pm, Mon-Fri) and through their webchat service (8:30am-5:30pm Mon-Fri).
Also, Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. Their Family law advice line can advise around domestic abuse; divorce, finances, cohabitation and property in relationship breakdown; parental responsibility and child arrangements; lesbian parenting. They are available on 0207 251 6577 (Tues-Thurs 7-9pm and Fri 12-2pm). They also have a line for women in London on 020 76-8 1137 (Mon 10am-12pm and 2-4pm, Tues-Weds 2-4pm, Thurs 10am-12pm and 2-4pm).
It’s quite clear that he is controlling with money and this financial abuse. The Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting from the Financial Support Line, or self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845 (Mon-Thurs 9am- 5pm).
The way everything has to be on his terms is unacceptable; it’s no wonder you feel exhausted in all this. Keep posting here to express whatever you need. You are not alone.
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