Struggling now I made the decision to end it with him

[Butternut]

It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) months since the incident that made me see things for what they were and end the marriage. I’ve been through anger, determination, happiness.. and now I just feel grief.
There were good times and companionship. My new life will be so different. I feel like I’m losing a part of me. His behaviour wasn’t constant so I kid myself that maybe I could’ve just put up with it for the sake of the life I had.
I am dreading the day he moves out and the emptiness once he’s gone. I feel like I didn’t know what I had until it’s gone. I’m having crazy nightmares where I make bad decisions and panic, or I’m telling him I love him and we get back together.

But on the other hand I know I had to do it. I had to protect our daughter somehow from his manipulation and protect myself from any more of the abuse too. But he still will see our daughter and his text messages to her that she has shown me, are still manipulating and guilt tripping her. I feel like I’ll never be able to put an end to his behaviour.

I feel a little stronger when I remind myself I’m standing up to this and doing the right thing. I even made a list of all his ‘red flags’ to read back when I feel weak. However just this month I can’t stop crying and I just feel so exhausted by it all.

Can anyone give some messages of hope?

 

[LightbulbMoment]

Your post really hit home with me. I recognise so many of those feelings- the panic, the nightmares and the doubt. The uncertainty about the future is so horrible and there are layers of self-doubt, guilt and anger all wrapped up together.

Stay strong in your conviction. You know that you had to leave for yourself and your daughter. Things would only get worse if you stayed.

Reminding yourself of the reasons for leaving is so important (your memory of it will fade) so keep making those lists and also writing up the details of incidents to look back on in the future.  I recorded our everyday discussions when I was deciding to leave a few years ago. I was listening back to them recently (as part of a therapy exercise) and the whole weight of the horror hit me again. This is so important to do if you can because in years to come you’ll doubt your experience.

The other thing is to know that things will get better. The panic will fade and you will fit into your new life. Lean on the people around you and stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Lightbulbmoment. That’s good advice and great to hear from someone who has successfully left.

Glad to hear you are feeling stronger Butternut xx

[Rennie@33]

You have made the right decision trust yourself and I promise within months you will feel better and know your descion was for the best. Hang on in there it will all work out x

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