Struggling. Obsessive thoughts. Am I crazy?

[Whendoesitend]

whendoesitend Avatar whendoesitend
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Jun 6, 2017 at 12:13am
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I feel so sad. Am I crazy for having these thoughts?
I’m so glad I’ve found this forum. For the last few days I have felt like I’m going to go crazy. I’ve been so upset. And also upset and angry at myself for being upset about the situation.

ive just found out my abusive ex has a new partner and a (detail removed by moderator) baby. I’m really struggling with this. Like to the point it’s had me in tears. I hate the thought of him having this with someone else.him being happy content and having all the things in life I so badly wanted, and wanted with him.
He was my boyfriend and best friend for (detail removed by moderator). My first love. I loved him with every fibre of my being.
He could be so lovely. He was the one who hurt me emotionally (and later on physically and sexually) but he was also the one who made it all better. I felt safe with him. Which sounds obsurd I know!
he was very nice to me between all the nastiness, gifts,flowers,meals out,holidays, cinema, days out , cuddles,kisses, ,telling me he loved me all the time, daily texts and calls etc.
The abuse started as name calling, putting me down, making me feel stupid in front of other people, mind games, threats of if you do ……….(whatever it was at the time) I will leave you, general emotional abuse. To that “look” he would give me. A look of hatred and disgust almost. Then things like getting too rough when play fighting, throwing me on the floor when he had had enough, “accidentally” elbowing me in the face etc until it escalated to more physical abuse. I couldn’t see what was happening right in front of me for a long time. I finally reached out to my mums vicar at her church who put me in touch with the domestic abuse team. I was shocked once I realise exactly what had been happening. I worked with the domestic abuse team for a while and finally gathered the courage to leave him.(after suggesting he got help for his behaviour and him saying that he would think about it but only couples therapy and the didn’t go anyway) It was the hardest thing I have EVER done!!! I still loved him completely but I knew what was happening wasn’t right. Anyway after leaving him he continued to pester me on and off for 5 years! Text me assuages, phone calls, turning up at places I was at, leaving his car outside my house while he went to visit a friend who lived the other side of town. Text begging for me back and texts being nasty etc. I changed my mobile number various time but he always found it out and used friends phones or pay as you go phones to contact me when I blocked his number. It got towards the end of the 5 years of him pestering me (by which time he was already with someone else) but he would still send messages saying he still though about me all the time and so many things reminded me of him and that we should give it another go. I gave in and said let’s give it another go then. To which he replied “oh no I’m with someone else now. I wouldn’t do that to her. Plus it’s been so long now that we have been apart.” I truly felt like I had been punched in the stomach!
He has left me alone since then. Not heard a thing from him. But I still think of him often. A lot of things remind me of him and times we had together. It’s like he’s stuck inside my head. He pulled me in completely and I don’t feel that I have ever been able to properly get over it. The thoughts of him had lessened recently. Until stupid me went and looked at his Facebook profile on Friday. What on earth posessed me I shall never know! And that’s when I saw it. Him with his new partner and their (detail removed by moderator) baby girl. I literally felt my heart break. I was so so upset by this. All the thoughts of “why not me?” “Has he changed?”,does he treat her better than me, what was wrong with me, that’s what we wanted a future together why wouldn’t he sort himself out for me? Etc etc. He looks so happy. They all do. It just seems so unfair. He treated me so badly but now he has a lovely house,new partner, baby,great job, cars etc etc. And I’m left with generalised anxiety disorder, depression, separation anxiety and struggling with any relationships I have had. I’m currently in a relationship now and have been for (detail removed by moderator) I got with my current partner the same year as my abusive ex finally started to leave me alone. So now I feel even more guilty about feeling so upset about all this. I keep thinking what if…..what if I had given him another chance or just been stronger and dealt with his behaviour. That could be us now. Happy and together. Like it felt we should be.
I do wonder if he has changed now. Since he is now older. Maybe he’s grown up a bit and doesn’t act like he did towards me any more. Maybe his new girlfriend has loved him into changing. Maybe he’s changed now they have a child together. Ugh my head just doesn’t stop.
I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t understand it. Why would you feel love and longing for someone that treated you so badly. It doesn’t make sense. And yet I can’t get him out of my head.its like obsessive thoughts since I’ve seen his profile. I get a huge sinking empty feeling in my belly when I think about it. I hate this 🙁 it hurts.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,

I saw your reply on my thread and just wanted to reply to your thread too and say I totally get it! I think your ex could have been brothers with my ex, they sound so similar. Isn’t it strange yet somehow comforting all these abusive men are cut from the same cloth and have the same behaviour patterns.

My ex could also have won the ‘best boyfriend in the world award’ with his seemingly lovely sweet behaviour in between the abuse – it’s part of the cycle of abuse and is sadly all designed to manipulate and confuse us into staying. If they were abusive all the time then none of us would ever get involved with them. If you can think of all the ‘nice’ behaviour as grooming it helps you to see it more clearly and realise it was all designed to lure you in, none of it was coming from a place of kindness. It’s depressing to realise but helps you to detach from seeing him with rose tinted glasses.

Google ‘Cycle of abuse’ and ‘Power and control wheel’ if you haven’t already as it explains it further.

My ex also used to be abusive and then come to my rescue, I realised in hindsight that he even set up situations where I would get scared so he could rescue me. He’d say really nasty, hurtful things and then ask if I was ok, give me a hug, take me home and make me a cup of tea – it is SO confusing. It’s also designed to make us dependent on them. I still miss the ‘nice’ behaviour from my ex, still feel that void of having someone there wanting to spend time with me, wanting to look after me, sending me messages each day etc. For me it was the attention, the validation and also touch that I craved after being single for years, so maybe you could think about what it was that draw you to him initially, as perhaps this is something you could provide for yourself. I’m currently trying to do this myself such as increase my self care but it is hard, very hard because I used to love snuggling up to my ex and like you ironically felt safe with him (at first) and used to ask if he would look after me!! For me I realise I was looking for a parental figure to care for me after an abusive unhappy childhood, and that I need to heal this wound before I date again as otherwise I’ll just attract and be attracted to more abusive men.

Please know that your ex is not suddenly non-abusive and happy with his new partner. Sadly for her, she is likely to be experiencing the same as you, are about to experience it, or possibly even worse. These men are not normal and never change unless they go through extensive rehabilitation which most of them don’t because the abuse gives them the power that they crave. Remember that he was contacting you behind her back, whilst pretending to play happy families, being dishonest to her and playing you both off eachother (this is called Hoovering and Triangulation). I know it’s easy to say and I’m guilty of it myself but if you can try to block his social media. He will be using it to deliberately try to get at you and to present a false image to the world. It just creates pain for you when you see it, but if you do see it, remember it’s all an illusion anyway.

As you saw from his response when you broke no contact, he was just trying to see if he still had that power over you. I actually think you were lucky that he responded that way, despite the pain and humiliation caused, because if you went back to him, the abuse would start up again after a brief honeymoon period and would just get worse. I think the statistics say that 2 women per week are killed by a current or former partner, never underestimate that harm that being involved with one of these abusers can do to you.

I can imagine it is extremely painful seeing him with a new partner and baby, as it is what you always wanted with him. However, just remember, he is an abuser. His new partner and baby are sadly in for a challenging life unless they too can (hopefully) escape him. My ex was trying to manipulate me into unprotected sex towards the end by ‘running out of condoms’ and then ‘being too embarassed to buy them’ (I realised in hindsight he was revoltingly using them with other women behind my back hence why he was running out). I am so, so, SO grateful that I never got pregnant by him because he is truly evil and it would mean I’d be forever tied to him and his scary family. Just think, you are lucky that you have the chance to have a baby with a kind, supportive man (perhaps your new partner?) and don’t have to worry about your ex abuser trying to take your children away which sadly is what many women with children with these men face. I understand because I too really want a baby and feel devastated at being single yet again as I’m not that young anymore but I feel lucky that I didn’t have HIS baby and will hopefully have one with a good man one day, fingers crossed.

It sounds like you are suffering from PTSD which many of us can relate to. Have you had any therapy for it? You’ve been through a trauma and will need help to process and heal from it.

Also, just let yourself feel the feelings without judgement. If you are upset then that is ok, it obviously means there is still pain there and healing required. 🙂

[Whendoesitend]

Thank you for your reply.
Seriously, you write really well, you could be an author. You’ve got a real talent. 🙂
Yes it does sound like they could be brothers. Although I am not aware of him cheating on me repeatedly. There was one time a girl told me he had but we were still teenagers and I never found out if it was true or not. However he was very quick to accuse me of things and call me a s**g and a S**t if I wore something he didn’t like.
I realise now after speaking to a lovely lady on the victim support line that I have never properly grieved for the loss of the relationship (the one I wanted it to be). I had put all of my hopes and dreams into the relationship and exactly as you have said on your post I never wanted it to end I just wanted it to be better. On a bad day it’s very hard to see that what I am missing/longing for is not him but the man I Hoped he would be. It’s very tough.
Seeing that picture has brought it all back for me. And I can tell you for sure I have learned my lesson. I shall NOT be looking on his social media again. It’s not worth the hurt. I rather just not know.
I too have always wanted children. I really thought it would be me and him in the relationship I wanted with the baby by now.
Like you I worry that time is not on my side. My current partner has children from a previous relationship so is in no rush to have more. He has said he would like more, but I worry he might want to wait too long.

I’ve never really thought about the possibility of ptsd. I was having counselling until recently. I go back again in august. I’ve always found it difficult to talk about the grief associated with the abusive relationship I was in, as shortly before beginning that relationship I suffered a bereavement so I think a lot of my emotions etc have become entangled.

It’s such a breath of fresh air to know someone GETS me. Gets what I’m saying and doesn’t just say oh you should be over it by now. I had a lot of support at the time of leaving the relationship but after……..well I was just left to get on with it. Sometimes afterwards is very hard too. X

[SunshineRainflower]

I forgot to say thank you for your compliment Whendoesitend about my writing, I am looking for work at the moment so that has given me a boost of confidence reminding me that I do have skills and things to offer! 🙂

And in answer to your question about these men changing and being a good fathers, the answer is sadly no to both of them. These men rarely if ever change, they usually repeat the pattern of abuse with each new relationship until it escalates to often dangerous levels for their unlucky partners. Since they have warped views on society, men and women, they do not from what I have read in books about abuse (and from reading the posts on here from ladies who have children with their ex abusers) make good fathers. They tend to teach their sons to be misoygnistic and teach their daughters to be subservient. They also often use children to control and hurt their mothers further and see children as an extension of themselves rather than as individuals to support and nurture. So they are not the kind of men you want as the father of your children if you have the opportunity to have children with a kind, stable, healthy man.

Hope you are doing ok this week and have started on the healing journey. x

[Anonymous]

These abusers know exactly how to brainwash us
I loved my ex so so much ..but i did not deserve the sexual abuse nor the emotional abuse .he never cared if i was in pain .he got a kick out of it ..he often said i love you. But love dont hurt. Love dont make you feel worthless… we know we deserve better ..Google (detail removed by moderator).. and read everything about n*********s.. healing takes a while but with small steps you got this..
Sending postive vibes your way X

[Bubblegum]

Whendoesitend I found your post a very interesting read .My thoughts on times are very similar to yours plus my Ex new girlfriend is also expecting a baby .Only difference with me I have children with my Ex partner.Its nice to know when reading other posts your not alone .SunshineRainflower I thought your reply was excellent .By reading it it’s made me feel better thank you x*x

[Curlyhair]

Hello, this is my first post but I completely understand how you feel. I’ve been in two emotionally abusive relationships (I seem not to learn!) But my first relationship, I have a son with the man. He then left me for another woman who he had a child with.

I went through the same emotions, why wasn’t I good enough, why didn’t he stay with me? But honestly sweetie the replies on here are amazing. It’s okay to go through these emotions! It doesn’t make you crazy, it makes you a human. Let yourself feel these emotions, because one day it will get better. Sending love your way! Xx

[Whathaveidone]

Whendoesitend, I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience what many of us on here have experienced as well. I would just like to reiterate everything SunshineRainflower wrote. None of this is your fault and your ex will never change.

Up until last year, the person I was with seemed so charming, kind, caring, funny. He gave me the emotional aspects of a relationship that I had lacked my whole life but he used and manipulated my vulnerability because I was very young when this started (basically the relationship wasn’t even legal). He then slowly changed his tune and started blaming me for EVERYTHING and I mean everything : my thoughts, his thoughts, my behaviour, his behaviour, the behaviour of others…it sounds ridiculous now but I just believed eveything he told me. He was a complete control freak. Yet despite all this, I still wanted to start a family with him because I would deny what was actually happening to me and just focus on the positive parts of the relationship.

Remember that pics on Facebook only show what people want the world to see. Therefore it isn’t a reality. Your ex may seem happy with his new partner and baby but this is just a facade: an image of a supposed happy and secure relationship. I can guarentee you this isn’t the case and unfortunately for his new partner and baby, they will suffer with the abuse that will inevitable come if it hasn’t already unless they get away.

What we’ve experienced is traumatic bonding where the person who is providing you love is also the person abusing that love as well. It’s all about power and control for them. Nothing else. It was hard for me to accept this but I eventually saw that he didn’t really love me, he just wanted power over me. He didn’t want to ‘protect’ me, he wanted to control me. Obsession and possession is not love at all. For so long the person I was with made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t do anything right in his eyes. I was constantly crtiticied for things – which he would claim he was just pointed out things to “improve” me as a person and “develop into the best person I could be” because he loved me so much and other people don’t tell me these things because they don’t love or care for me. I would constantly doubt myself (and still largely do so it has had a long lasting effect).

I too am so grateful that I didn’t have children with this person. I made a complete u-turn in my way of thinking its actually amazing because I went from wanting a baby with him because I loved him (or believed I loved him) so much, to not wanting him to be anywhere near me now. Having children with him would have been the end of me. I also thought that having children would change him and he would stop being so abusive. I have come to the realisation that this is not the case and from what I’ve read from other women’s experiences and from books, they can get worse. You’re effectively bound to him though any children you may have in some way.

Really I could write so much more but just know that none of this is your fault, you are much better off without him, you are safer not being with him (I also thought I was largely safe with my previous partner despite him being otherwise but human psychology is a fascinating thing), what you are feeling is very normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. It will get better in time, trust me on that one but it won’t be easy and don’t suppress your emotions, they are there to help you through this.

Hugs xx

[Alicenotichains]

Hi,

I have experienced similar Intrusive thought patterns. I read (detail removed by moderator) and then I fully understood why I was obsessively thinking about him and what he had done to me in each phase of the relationship including when it had finished. The intrusive thoughts can be a part of PTSD and they can be tortuous. It’s like you split in half emotionally as you have had to deal with 2 separate people. Dr Jekyl, calm, loving, funny, exciting and Mr Hyde, vicious, cruel and lacking in empathy.
Also remember that these men never change. Anyone can smile for a picture. Her life and sadly that of her child will probably already be hell.
Read the book I recommend if you are able to. The author really gets it.

Sending lots of positive thoughts!!

A

[Whendoesitend]

Thank you so much ladies for all of your replies!
Your words and understanding help so very much. It’s like a weight off my shoulders being able to speak to people who actually understand.

Yes the intrusive obsessive thoughts are torcherous. And although I KNOW deep down that I was right to leave, there’s another part of me that constantly doubts and questions myself. The usual “was it THAT bad??” “Did I exaggerate it in my mind??” “Could he have actually changed now that he is older. We were teenagers when we met, maybe he was just immature??” That kind of thing.

I do wonder if he would be a good dad. Can abusive men be good fathers?? He has a daughter. He told me after I left that the shock and upset of me leaving was enough for him to take a good look at himself and never treat anyone like that ever again. It sounds awful but in a way I hope he hasn’t changed. And that he is doing it again because then that would validate that I was right in leaving and that I didn’t imagine what happened. Gosh that makes me sound like an awful person!! I wouldn’t wish abuse on anyone! I hope you understand how I meant that :/

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