Struggling thinking about leaving :(

[gettingtired]

I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the invaluable support and advice I’ve already received on here but I’m struggling.
The leaving date is fast approaching and I’m doubting everything. I can’t really think clearly. I feel so devious and dreadful going behind his back, it just feels so wrong and deceitful.
I feel like I need there to be one big last blow up from him before I leave for me to confirm that it’s ok to get out. When in reality, the last blow up was less than a week ago but in my mind it was a lifetime ago.
Without saying too much his family found something out recently that hinted towards me leaving and said some things to me to make me feel guilty. Like how he won’t be able to afford certain things if I leave.

I am doubting everything especially as he is being nice and normal. Yes, groundhog day again.
I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do and talk me through getting out as I just can’t quite believe that my world may soon be flipped upside down. I don’t think I’m ready for the fight and destruction that may ensue.

I’m scared about everything. My work will end up being barely worth commuting such a long distance for. I can’t even begin to think about applying for new jobs though, that will send me over the edge. Although work is somewhat of a distraction, no one there knows what’s going on in my personal life; I pretend I’m fine or just avoid really talking about myself altogether. I still haven’t confided in the people I’d have to move in with although they know something isn’t quite right with me. I’m sure they’ll be able to help last minute but I can’t seem to help myself.
Taking those steps means there’s no going back and something is stopping me. I also keep having old memories pop into my head, back when things seemed ok and I was happy with him.
I just want to run away from all of my problems
🙁

[Hawthorn]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so tormented and torn. Remembering good times is “euphoric recall”, your brains way of making you stay on what is familiar. When your familiar is abuse, however, it’s time for something new. You are fighting the brainwashing and conditioning he has inflicted on you, and that is painful and difficult.
Leaving an abusive relationship follows the same stages as grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. It’s nor.al to cycle between the first 4 stages before reaching acceptance. It might help you to clarify your thoughts and feelings by identifying which stage you’re experiencing at any time, like thinking “there needs to be a another blow up” is bargaining, pretending you’re fine and not telling anyone is denial. I’ve been there too so please don’t think I’m judging you, what you’re experiencing is only to be expected with the years of abuse you have experienced.
Please reach out and tell someone whats happening. You need and deserve support to escape. Because that’s what you will be doing, not leaving a relationship, but escaping abuse. Work and all those other things can be sorted once you’re in a place of safety and have space to think clearly. You deserve to be safe and live free of abuse, everyone does xx

[KIP.]

It was the thought of leaving that was so terrifying but once you take action then your thought moves on to staying out and keeping safe. Don’t get trapped with your thoughts, that’s what’s causing panic. Just jump past the thoughts to automatic action. Ask yourself what you’re actually losing. Look 5 years ahead. Do you want to be in this abusive relationship or do you want five years of healing and moving forward with your life in a positive way. Once you’ve left you don’t need to have any communication with him or his family. You don’t need to hear any nonsense they say. It must be obvious to them you’re unhappy but instead they threaten you. They sound as bad as him. They’re probably worried that with you to abuse he’s leaving them alone. Get out of this destructive dangerous relationship and re claim your life x there’s a good happy world waiting x

[FlutterShy]

Hi gettingtired, I have no advice but I’m getting out very soon as well and experiencing exactly the same thoughts and feelings as you are. I’m so sad and feel so deceitful. I’m also thinking there has to be another episode before I go. He’s very withdrawn at the moment, barely talking to me and I daren’t ask what’s wrong as that will probably be the start of it. Maybe he’s been monitoring my internet and knows what I’m up to. I’ve no idea.

Anyway, you’re doing the right thing. Please don’t look back. Things will not change.

xx

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