Struggling To Accept If It’s Abuse.

[Squiggle1000]

I have been with my husband for about (detail removed by moderator) and have 2 children. He has always been “difficult” and never able to forgive or talk things through. Also – quite controlling and will often say “no” to anything I want to do with no explanation – its just no. (detail removed by moderator) I had a breakdown after my Dad died and various other personal events – and I had to scale back my work. As a result I got into debt but didnt tell him as I knew how he would react. He recently went through my letters and found some correspondence about the debts and had now not spoken to me hardly since. In addition to this I had one child who had ADHD and he can not manage at all. He has physically grabbed her and screamed in her face numerous times and (detail removed by moderator) She was hysterical. I constantly feel like I have to lie about things to avoid him blowing up. Since this has happened – he has said things to me like I am not entitled to an opinion, if we split up up its his house and he doesnt want to give me half. He is refusing to talk to me – and just sits down at the kitchen table and stares without saying anything. He is refusing to let me go away for the week during these school holidays (detail removed by moderator) I am at my wits end at the moment as I am being sick with anxiety at how I am being treated and controlled. It’s always been like this but recent events just mean its amplified and I just can’t cope with it any longer. He has always just blanked me and refused to have a conversation if its not something he wants to discuss, I’ve never been able to ask him to help around the house without triggering him getting angry at me. Everything I do is criticised, commented on and watched. My children are scared of his reactions to the point they won’t tell him if they have an accident or something brakes. He accuses them of lying all the time when they aren’t (as well as me). I want to get out but don’t know where to start. I can’t get credit or rent privately as my credit rating is not great. No idea where to start. I just can’t live feeling like I am constantly on edge all the time.

This isn’t like this all the time – it goes in cycles where he is happy and content and then switches to this for weeks/months. Its unpredictable and therefore leaves me constantly on edge.

When he is ok – I think it can work and be OK, and I am relieved. But then something triggers it again and I am back in the horrific emotional turmoil.

Would love to hear your advice.

[Lisa]

Hi Squiggle1000,

Welcome to the forum. I’m glad that you’ve found your way here and are reaching out for support.

The behaviour you’ve described is abuse. The cycle you mention between when he’s happy and when he switches to anger and silent treatment is very typical of abusers and is part of what can make it so difficult to accept abuse is happening. The impact on you and the children is important, you’re constantly on edge, you’re adjusting your behaviour to avoid his reactions, they are frightened of him. All of these are signs that you’re experiencing abuse. I’m sure the other women on this forum will recognise and identify with what you’re going through and share their support and advice, you’re not alone.

If you’d like to discuss your situation with a support worker and find out about your options and other support that’s relevant for you, you could access our Live Chat service that’s available every day (8am – 6pm Monday – Friday and 10am – 6pm Saturday and Sunday).

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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