Struggling to cope

[Anyabanana1]

Hi all,
Thank you for accepting me onto the forum. I’ve just come out of a (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship that I have known was emotionally abusive for a long time. We started off quite happy, I was so pleased I had met someone reliable and kind- he took me away for weekends to nice places etc. Then the criticisms started, my weight calling me “chubby”, criticising my dress sense saying I had no style, why don’t I go to a hairdresser like “every other woman”. Gradually it got worse and progressed to criticising me and belittling me for even having an opinion. He had a germ isssue so was constantly demanding I was my hands, take a bath before he allowed me to sleep in his bed…he told me I smelt and that was the last straw so I ended it in (detail removed by Moderator). I met someone I thought was nice but that ended up just being a short fling and soon enough the ex was full of promises of change and I went back. It’s difficult because I love his children and he is very kind to my mom. Over time the same behaviour happened and this time it extended to telling me I earn rubbish money, I’m going nowhere in life and snapping at me about every little thing. He would only have sex with me if I begged him and turned his face away whenever I tried to kiss him. He didn’t like me cuddling him either. He acted like I repulsed him.
In (detail removed by Moderator) I lost my little dog In quite traumatic circumstances. He was understanding for a day or so but offered no real comfort. I was so lonely I joined a dating site and met up with a couple of people for drinks and dinner, nothing else happened I was just so desperately lonely for company. We spent no time together and I didn’t have the strength to leave.
I joined an online women’s forum and made the the mistake of using my real name. He found all this posts and called me a “dirty stinking w***e” and told me to kill my self. He had since blocked me and I have had no further contact except with his sister who is very supportive.
What I’m struggling with- i feel very guilty for meeting these other men, even though it was pure loneliness that drove me to it. I would never of slept with them.
I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me and I can’t remember exactly how cruel he was to me….it’s like I’m questioning whether he was bad at all. I feel like the bad one.
Is this normal?
Any help appreciated xx

[Lisa]

Hello Anyabanana1,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have been through so much.

There’s nothing that you could have done to deserve the abuse that you experienced from this man and he did/does not deserve your loyalty. It sounds like you know that you were driven to seek comfort elsewhere due to his neglectful, abusive and demeaning behaviour.

Of course, sometimes, knowing that someones behaviour was wrong and abusive does not stop us from having feelings of guilt or responsibility. This is often the nature of abuse, and a result of the tactics used by abusers to make us feel in some way responsible for what’s happened.

I hope this forum can be an enlightening and supportive place for you.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Eggshells]

Hi Anyabanana1

Welcome to the forum. You’re right, your mind is playing tricks on you. It has a habit of doing that.

The abuse you suffered was very real. I think sometimes our minds protect us from the reality and it can all make it hard to see clearly what we have been through.

The ladies on the forum are all at different places on their journeys. It is not always possible for us to access the forum though so if you post and don’t get a reply, just bump your post back up to the top so that everyone can see it.

You have been through a really rough time and you’ll need to take care of yourself now.

There are lots of very supportive ladies on the forum and when you feel ready, there are lots of books and videos to help you understand what has happened to you and how to move forward. Just ask, someone usually has an answer. xx

[Author]

Posts