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I’m sorry, I know I’ve gone on about this before but it’s as though I’m locked in a psychological warfare and my children are being used as bombs.
Slowly realising after a year of therapy my mother is really very n**********c. I respectfully asked for boundaries with regards my children and behaviour towards me. I didn’t do this hot headed let, but with support from a counsellor and with great trepidation. Set out behaviours I would no longer find acceptable and I would like to stop. I realise too, like my son did long before me that their father, my ex husband is also a n********t and as far as my son is concerned is completely devoid of any rational thinking, only what he can gain from a situation or other person, even if it your own children. My little girl was not happy being taken care of by my mother whilst I was at work. “She makes me feel like I’m bad when I’m not being bad”, very emotionally astute I thought. So I made other arrangements, but encouraged my mother to see the children and invited her on many outings, to my home etc. However as I asked her to respect some boundaries and pointed out that criticising my parenting when while she was doing the best she could her treatment of myself, probably due to her own difficulties she was experiencing were really quite damaging for me. I explained I understood she did the best she could but going forward, as a grown woman with my own family it was time for me to stop being treated that way. She cut me off. Which was fine and to be honest to everyone’s relief. My ex husband continued to rant and rave, forcing his way into my home to verbally abide me but with him I have also put in boundaries and by letting him know I was niw filming every encounter this has got better. Until this week when after no contact with her for months my two youngest children thought they were staying at their dads but actually were dropped off at my mothers to stay the night. My daughter was deeply upset about this and by the sounds of it that didn’t go down well and my mother was not pleasant to her. She was then told not to tell me she had stayed there and not to tell me it was going to happen every week. Their father has informed me that he and my mother know how mentally unstable and psychotic I am and told the children their mother is nasty and won’t let them see their grandmother. This is utter rubbish, I agreed with my mother she could have them an evening a week, asked her to let me know when that was to be and how, but asked her not to talk badly about me in front of them or to them. I messaged my mother, did not get nasty but pointed out that she had crossed a line and this was to stop. I asked her not to use my children in this way and told my ex the same thing. They have ignored me, ignored my daughter and sons and have said they need to stay there every week during his time. My mother has messaged me this morning telling ME she doesn’t know where this venom is coming from, she loves her grandchildren and would never manipulate them and how my “nasty” messages were badly affecting her health!?!?! I feel like I’m being psychologically to turtured. I messaged her back saying my only concern is for my children’s health and well being, that I have not stopped her seeing the children, she chose not to arrange that with me, that my daughter am doesn’t want to go to her again, but I’ve persuaded her to go for tea and visit as long as she gets to come home after, which my daughter reluctantly agreed to. I told my mother she could arrange this any time she chooses. Also asked her to stop projecting onto me, that I would not tolerate it any longer. That all I’ve done is set reasonable boundaries and that does not constitute being nasty. I feel tortured. My kids are at their dads, u’ve no idea where they will be staying or what will happen to them. Physically they are not in danger but psychologically this is so damaging and I appear to be the only one who can see it or who cares. My WA worker advised me to get a child welfare hearing and take it to court to get it sorted. Says it’s very abusive controlling behaviour. I don’t have the money to do that. I work full time but every penny and more goes on supporting my children…something else their father doesn’t help with. There are no child advocacy services in my area and I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m trying to seem strong and maintain boundaries without going over their riduculoys acts actions about my mental state. But inside, on my own I’m a mess. My abusive mother and abusive ex have got together to create the perfect storm. I don’t know how to cut her out of my life, how to stop my ex leaving them there during his contact. My eldest son said he would look after them while I work my three long days of it meant my daughter didn’t have to stay there. I just feel it’s a bit too much responsibility and unfair. I also think my ex is trying to force a scenario where he is denied access. We have a mediation appointment coming up and I don’t think it’s coincidence that I’m being pricked in this way. How are you supposed to stay sane with all of this to deal with? How? I’m sorry for rant. I’m just feeling very desperate this morning and trapped in their enforced hell. X -
Hi Escaped not free,
I’m sorry to read what you’re going through with your ex and your mother. It sounds like you have taken many steps and put in a lot of effort to try to manage this situation and to create boundaries. Unfortunately, particularly with regards to child contact, it often does become necessary to take the next steps, meaning the legal route, when you have tried everything else. I understand if you don’t feel this is possible, but I want to highlight some information for you below that might be helpful.
It is possible, in some cases when you have experienced domestic abuse, to be eligible for legal aid in the family courts; see this Rights Of Women Guide to Family Law Legal Aid for more information.
I would also suggest having a read through their Guide to Mediation prior to attending.
There is also a lot of helpful information about representing yourself in court on the Advice Now website.
In terms of parenting, the Family Lives website and helpline could be really helpful.
It sounds like you are doing as much as you can at the moment and are coping incredibly well under these circumstances, but I understand it must be taking it’s toll on you. Keep posting on here whenever you need to,
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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Hi Escaped not free,
Thanks for your reply. I acknowledge that at the moment the legal side of it may be overwhelming and not what you can face right now, but there’s lots of information and support if you need it in the future.
Right now it sounds like you need to be kind to yourself and rest when you can. Please remember that you can call the Helpline if you would like to talk to a support worker in confidence.
I hope that in time you will get the peace that you deserve.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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