Struggling to Leave

[UHOH]

I’ve sort of left my husband.
He’s had issues with alcoholism, he’s been violent in the house, although he’s never hit me or the kids, there are holes in the interior doors, dents in appliances, I’ve spent nights sobbing in the kids’ room because I’ve been so afraid of him.

We’ve been at my (detail removed by Moderator) house for the last almost (detail removed by Moderator), but it’s not a long term solution. I need to take the kids home before eldest goes back to school, so they can have some normality.

I’ve told him it’s over, he won’t accept it, he won’t leave the house. He keeps saying he can fix it, that if he doesn’t have me doesn’t have anything. It all feels so manipulative.

I’ve got an appointment with a solicitor next Tuesday but I don’t know how I can prove domestic abuse, I’ve never reported him to the police or anything.

I know his mental health is also an issue, & he is trying to get help for that, but honestly that makes me more afraid of him. He’s unstable.
His mom keeps saying he needs support, but I can’t be that for him.

I’m now faced with having to go back & live with someone who scares me, who won’t take no for an answer, who appears to be playing himself as the victim.

I feel so lost, & so trapped.

[Hereforhelp]

Hu UHOH

This must be very frightening and I am so sorry you’re going through this.

Your partner punching walls etc is enough for you to know he can become violent… he doesn’t need to hit you as you will already be afraid of his outbursts.

Many abusers claim to have MH issues and maybe he does.. but that us separate to abuse… Mental Health doesn’t cause abuse…I myself have MH problems, as an adult it is expected you take responsibility for your own health issues whether physical or Mental Health

Keeping a journal can help.. I also found my local Citizens Advice Bureau helpful… I also spoke to my GP which I found helpful as that GP supported me when separating (my abusive husband would also not leave, it is very common in abusive relationships).. a normal healthy relationship is hard enough to leave, an abusive relationship is totally different.

Your partner saying he will fix it.. what does he mean I wonder.. it sounds like a grand statement but actually it is all about him and his needs… Him saying if he doesn’t have you then he doesn’t have anything is all about his needs… he hasn’t considered your happiness or unhappiness.

I had a few free 30 minute appointments with solicitors when at your stage.

Keep posting, you are not alone
HFH ❤️

[tryingtosleep]

Dear UHOH

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. This sounds very scary.
My ex also told me that he needed me to support him – but I wasn’t qualified to deal with him.

There are some things that you can do.
If you can get him to register with a drugs and alcohol service – they might be able to support him. http://www.changegrowlive.org is good. But you need to get his permission for this.

But for you – you can get in touch with a Social worker to support you and your children’s school should be able to offer you support and advice – as well as your GP like HFH said.

Also – this service provides support with obtaining emergency injunctions:
http://www.ncdv.org.uk/self-referrals

If you can face going back to the house – and it is not too dangerous – it should be easier to get him out. Then you can start to sort out a non-molestation order.

You said that there are holes in doors – surely this is enough evidence of his violence.
It’s important to journal everything that you can – with dates if possible.

Remember – they always think that they are the victim. Whatever you say or do will not change that. And they will try to use whatever words or actions to coerce you – including threatening to take their own life.
Also there is al-anon who support families of alcoholics – who can give you support as well.
Look after yourself and your children. X*x

Feel free to message me – if you want

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