Struggling to make friends

[Newbeginnings1234]

Hi, it’s me complaining again, feel free to just ignore this post as I don’t want to put people in a bad mood. I’m really struggling to make any friends, it just feels like I don’t belong or fit in anywhere and nobody understands me. I think spending years with nobody to talk to except my Husband, and then months on my own after I left has completely destroyed any social skills that I had and even basic things like making eye contact are really difficult. When people talk to me I just don’t know what to say and I never start a conversation, I’ll only talk if I’m spoken to first because I can’t think of anything to say. A lot of the time I’m so nervous around people (especially men) that I talk too fast and my words get all jumbled up so nobody can understand what I’m saying, people constantly ask me to repeat what I’ve said multiple times because it makes no sense. I’ve also picked up my Husband’s accent from spending so much time with him so whenever I talk I feel like it’s not even my voice, it’s his, and people often point out my accent and think that I’m from another country which makes me feel even more out of place. I desperately want to make friends with people, as at the moment I don’t have any at all, but whenever I’m with people I feel even more alone and I just want to go home. It feels like everyone hates me and only talks to me to be polite, they’re not actually interested in anything I have to say. At work I feel like I get on everyone’s nerves by constantly checking that I’m doing the right thing and I keep doing everything wrong, they’d be better off if I just wasn’t there. In the last 6 years I’ve only been out with a friend twice and I feel so pathetic, everyone else my age is constantly going out with friends (or texting/video chatting with them at the moment) and I feel like I’m missing out on what are supposed to be the best years of my life. I’ve thought about joining some kind of group, but I just don’t enjoy anything anymore so I don’t have any hobbies and I can’t handle being rejected over and over again. Maybe my Husband was right, why would anyone like me or want to be friends with me? I’ve never had loads of friends, but I’ve never been in a situation like I am now where I have absolutely no friends, I’ve always at least had a couple of people that I could text every now and again, but now I don’t have anyone at all. Maybe it’s better for everyone if I just avoid people, all I do is bring people down and put them in a bad mood, or make them feel uncomfortable because they’re the ones doing all the talking all the time and barely getting anything back. Sorry for the rant, but I don’t have anyone to talk to about anything.

[KIP.]

Hey, I went through this phase. Remember your self esteem and confidence have been rocked to the core by abuse. It’s going to take a while to recover but you will. I remember the eye contact thing, walking looking at the ground, trying to be invisible. Have you spoken to your GP about counselling? I read a book about being assertive and it was really good. All about how we can be intimidated by others. I even went out apron a few dates to practice my social skills. It’s probably too early for you to date yet but next time you’re out and about try saying good morning to a friendly face. I think we are all feeling more isolated and insecure than ever. You could speak to the Samaritans who are always good listeners and the calls are free x meantime keep posting and interacting on here. It’s how I started to regain my confidence x

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, it’s helpful to know I’m not the only one. I had 6 months of counselling which didn’t really help. I was assessed by a local mental health service but they turned me away, so my GP wrote to them and asked them to see me again. I have an appointment soon but I’m expecting them to turn me away again, even if they offer me anything it will only be a limited amount of sessions so I don’t think I would get much out of it as it would take me a lot of sessions to even be able to talk to them. I went to a support group but I had the same problem, I just started to feel able to talk a bit more but then the sessions ended. I wish I’d never gone as it made me feel a lot worse hearing about the amount of support that other people got and the things that were done to keep them safe while the same organisations refused to help me. I left feeling worse than I did before I started going. I’ve also tried medication but it made me feel worse so I stopped taking it. I feel like if I’ve tried those three things and they either haven’t helped or they’ve made me feel worse then clearly I’m the problem and I should just stop trying. If it works for everyone else then I must be doing something wrong, I’m just taking away resources for people that need them. I tried to ask for help at the beginning to try to prevent things getting to this point like they have in the past but nobody would listen x

[KIP.]

We need different help at different stages of recovery and what didn’t work 6 months ago may well be what you’re ready for now. Try to keep an open mind. Even if you just practice your social skills at these sessions and ask for some assertiveness exercises. It’s always good to talk. Yes, there were several times I felt let down but also many times some kind woman picked me up. It’s a long marathon and healing will take time. Be your own best friend. I bought myself a new bubble bath. It’s an expensive one but I bought the travel size and it makes me feel good and pampered. What would make you feel pampered. Try to put yourself first, your health, your well being, your nutrition. Baby steps x

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thanks, I’ll try to find something that makes me feel good. Hopefully I’m offered some kind of therapy after my assessment (although it will probably be months until I’m actually able to go) x

[KIP.]

Hey, just take your time, you cannot rush recovery, it’s better to go through each stage at your own pace x pm me anytime x KIP x

[Lisa]

Good morning Newbeginnings124,

I just wanted to offer you some support.

As KIP has mentioned, it is very normal to struggle to relate to people or to make friends after abuse. It sounds as if the abusers words are very much still in your head, putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself. It’s hard to recover from the impact abuse has on our self worth and self esteem, and this takes time and patience to rebuild. It’s important to try and be kind to yourself, to try and make a note of when these self doubts and self deprecating thoughts come in, and try to change them to more positive, loving messages to yourself. Perhaps something like CBT could help with this?
Do you know if there are any services in you area who offer low cost counselling? There are local charities in many areas that can offer this. Or you could contact some counsellors in your area to see if there is anyone who may be a good fit for you, maybe someone who has an understanding of domestic abuse.

Look after yourself and keep posting.

Lisa

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, I’ve already had 6 months of counselling at the lowest price they offered, but I had to stop when I started a new job (although I was thinking of stopping anyway because it wasn’t helping and she regularly had to cancel appointments at short notice). I’ve looked into other places which offer counselling but they all charge at least double what I was paying before. Counsellors who have experience in domestic abuse charge nearly three times what I was paying. I regularly get letters from my Husband’s solicitor telling me that I have to give him most of my savings or he’ll take me to court so if that happens then I won’t be able to afford counselling (I don’t earn enough to cover my living costs so I’m still partially living off of savings). My mental health was one of the biggest reasons that I was too scared to leave my Husband as it improved when I met him and I was terrified that it would get worse again after I left, and that’s exactly what’s happened. I don’t know what I’m going to do if the mental health service refuses to help me again, and based on the questions they asked during my last assessment with them I don’t think they have any understanding about domestic abuse (they asked whether I hurt my Husband first and suggested that if I didn’t say no then it wasn’t rape, then said that I needed to go away and process everything that happened before they could help, but I can’t process it, that’s why I need help). If they turn me away again then I’ll have nowhere else to turn.

[HopeLifeJoy]

The social withdrawal is definitely a confidence and self esteem issue, a result of having been hurt deeply, manipulated and abused.
Before being traumatised you didn’t even need to think about what to say, you just said it, deep conversation, small talks, invitations, making new friends, all went smoothly.

When walking down the street with confidence and someone is looking at you, you smile and greet them and think oh I must look great today 😊💃 That’s confidence. Healthy self esteem.
When your self esteem is at the bottom you ask yourself why is this person paying attention to me? Is there something wrong with me? Is he dangerous? The narrative in your mind is changed completely, originating from a place of fear.

You solve this social problem by rebuilding your own identity from within. Ask yourself questions, rediscover yourself.
Who are you? What is your favourite color? Your favourite dish? Favourite activity? Which kind of clothe do you like to wear? Which book interest you? Music, film? Values in life Etc…what are you good at, what are your skills? What is your favourite season, flower, ocean, mountain? Which place on the planet would you dearly wish to see? Do you like traveling?
Pls don’t actually answer here as it could identity you if written all at once in one paragraph.
But these are the questions you can ask yourself to help redefine who you are.
Once you know who you are, or at least part of it, small talk at the office or anywhere will be easier.
Also identify which topics do you deem safe enough to talk about?
In the office it usually suffices to be polite and respectful and just do your work, being task oriented and not social oriented is perfectly acceptable at the work place.

Becoming natural at social interactions will come back once your self esteem grows. It is very natural to want to withdraw for a time, I know I did, I needed it very much, now I start to feel a little safer and venture my head outside my home, actually just to work and with colleagues but hey that’s progress.
I also practiced my social skills on different phone services, every time I received an official letter – even just a household bill – I thought of a question and picked up the phone and asked my question. To hear a helpful voice at the other end reassured me that the world we live in is still a good place. 😌
I also made it my mission to be friendly to staff at shops, to engage in harmless small talk to just practice. I regularly buy potted flowers and talk with the shop lady and ask for advice. I love plants but terrible at keeping them alive🙈🌺 she passionately gives me tips, name and origin of the plant.

I understand therapy sessions being way too short. I have huge troubles with this. I am not ready to open up, I need at least a day or two to talk about one deep topic, especially a hurtful one such as abuse. So therapy is absolutely essential to navigate mental health issues such as anxiety and depression for me but not to have long heart to heart conversations. I thought about proposing to book all of my sessions into one afternoon instead of spreading them over weeks, I like to have it all done in one go, to start and stop and start and stop is extremely exhausting for me. I can’t just stop once I start. So instead I just keep my boundaries very high up. I wish to be able to spill it out once and for all and be done with it. Neeexxt. 🙃

Slowly but surely, you will get your social skills back darling. It takes time. Take this time to care for yourself. And when you need a friendly word you come on here okay? There is always someone here who understands. You’re not alone. Never.

I’ve got the perfect book recommendation for you; “The fine art of small talk” by Debrah Fine. This is good for any social situation. Business, private. It’s old but it stuck in my mind because I loved it.

Sending you lots of hugs 💕🌸🌼

[Newbeginnings1234]

You’re right, it is a confidence and self esteem issue. I feel like I don’t really have an identity anymore, I’m not a person, just a body for people to do whatever they want with and then leave. I don’t really have a favourite anything, I couldn’t think of an answer for any of the questions above, although I could answer all of them about my Husband. A big problem that I have with small talk is that I’ve spent my whole adult life with my Husband, so anything I say would always relate back to him at some point (when people ask why I moved here, what I was doing before, etc), which I don’t want. I also want friends that I can go out to places with, not just people to make small talk with at work, but I feel like work is the only place I can meet people. Talking to people in shops is a good idea, I work in a shop so I try to talk a bit more when customers talk to me but it’s really hard. I agree about therapy sessions being too short, most places I’ve looked at don’t even offer a full hour. It’s also about the number of sessions, I find it really hard to build up a relationship with someone and feel able to talk to them and then just suddenly stop and be left completely on my own with no follow up support, especially if I’m starting to feel like I’m making progress. But unless I pay for it myself I’ll only ever be offered a limited number of sessions, so I don’t know if it’s even worth going as it won’t be long enough for me to feel like I can trust them. I saw my last counsellor every week for 6 months and I still wasn’t able to even tell her about the sexual abuse, let alone talk about it in detail.
Thanks for the book recommendation, I’ll have a look, it sounds really helpful x

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