Struggling to make sense

[Hopeforbetter]

Hi, I’m new on here. I left my husband whilst he was away. I sold my car and stayed with friends. My husband had been swaying from giving me the silent treatment for weeks at a time to being horrible, shouting, accusing etc. I’ve always described him as a difficult man. I’ve overcompensated in company if I could sense he was not happy, I can’t think of an occasion or holiday that wasn’t ruined before it started. I was anxious if he wasn’t happy. If he was happy, we were all happy.
Since I left he has threatened suicide, says it’s my fault I’m in the position I’m in, that I have issues I should deal with and I was toxic and controlling, even though he used to call me a doormat. I’ve been with him most of my adult life, he has a small part of him that’s lovely, he is nice when he can pity me but can also be brutal with his words and it confuses me. He says I’ve created a false narrative and sometimes I wonder if that’s true.
I’m struggling more now than when I left. I was in survival mode, and now I’m left with my thoughts and feel myself sinking

[Lisa]

Hi Hopeforbetter,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum, I’m glad you’ve felt able to post and hope you find the forum a supportive place to be. What you’ve explained is definitely emotional abuse and controlling behaviour; trust your instincts, you have left for valid reasons.

It is not unusual for the emotional toll to take effect some time after leaving. You have been focused on sorting all the many practical elements, in fight or flight mode, so now there is space for the wide range of difficult emotions to come up. Please try to be kind to yourself and remind yourself of everything you have managed to do and cope with. You deserve some good support to help you through this.

Have you contacted your local domestic abuse service? If not, I would suggest doing so, to ask what support they can offer. You could consider accessing The Freedom Programme, which many survivors find helpful.

You could also consider calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200 or visit their website.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma through the organisation Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Keep posting, I’m sure our forum users here will empathise with how you’re feeling.

Lisa

[Hopeforbetter]

Thank you, this is the first place I have been. Abuse is such a big word and I feel like I don’t have the right compared to women that have suffered violence. And why did I stay for so long if it was that bad? But I do know that it was wrong. My confidence is very low but our own child told me I should leave him and I have to remember that when doubting myself

[Author]

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