Struggling to process the sexual abuse

[Footballfan1]

I think a lot of my anxiety and frustration about the past comes from the sexual cohesion side.
I think I processed the shouting, bullying, smashing objects.
I can’t get past the sexual bit.
I know I only did it to stop him getting back at me and the kids.
It still makes me sick to my stomach.
It was really horrible and I blocked it out for years.
He would threaten not to let me go to work unless I had sex, or sometimes he locked me in the house if I refused.
It is bonkers.
I feel my job is tied into him, he made it about him, having to do something for him just to go to work and be able to pay the bills?
It doesn’t make sense.
I could understand if I wanted to go party or have drinks in a bar, but I was basically selling myself to go to work?
It’s hard to process.

I think that might be my last mental blocker hopefully?
X*x

[Hereforhelp]

Footballfan1, I am the same… in fact the SA didn’t become clear and to how bad until I was out with support and u still struggle… I also had to give my body to keep the peace and to have any sort of life, I feel sick to my stomach and look back at that old version of me in disbelief…

I have no words of comfort, you do have my understanding and support
HfH ❤️

[Footballfan1]

Thankyou Hereforhelp,
That is very kind of you.
It is shocking isn’t it.
I didn’t realise how bad either until I got out.
I hope the feeling leaves eventually xx

[nbumblebee]

When my kids were small he would make me havs sex or do kthers things if i needed money for the kids he would then leave the money on the side. If on the very very rare occasions i went out i had to have sex b4 or after and once i came home he would ask to smell me see if i smelt of sex to make sure i hadnt had sex with anyone else if i say no he geta nasty angry and often sulks for days he is right now, he will often try and get me so drunk i dont know what im doing and take advantage of that. Ive often said no but he will carry on and on and on till i have to give up. I never saw what he was doing i always thought this was a normal marriage even now part of me a big part of me still thinks its normal. I find it too hard to believe.
Sorry im no help at all just know you are not alone in trying to process this.

[Footballfan1]

Hi Nbumblebee,
It is awful what you are being subjected to.
They enjoy making us feel that way.
They are sick.
Mine too would make me have sex before going out, and he didn’t let me shower.
He said I just wanted to get clean for someone else.
I think the sexual cohesion is the worst part of the abuse.
Thank you for sharing your experience and letting me know I’m not alone x*x

[nbumblebee]

Im not great at getting my point across I wanted to say that you arent alone in doubting it even as I write even as i read it back i still cant accept it as abuse still i think isnt this married life? Im just over reacting attention seeking.
I hope you have someone you can talk to about this to help you pick your way through sweetie its so hard too hard to try and cope alone. Xxxxx

[Footballfan1]

You explain yourself perfectly well Nbumblebee.

It is not normal married life but we are conditioned to believe it is by the abuser, media, family.
Sex is only consensual if both partners want it and enjoy it.

If one uses sex as a tool, against the other, then it is not consensual married sex.

It’s so hard to grasp it.
Like Hereforhelp said, it isn’t until you are out of the relationship that you start to realise how very wrong it was.
I’m on a list for trauma therapy so I’m hoping that helps.
I’m calm and connected again today, got loads of jobs done and got nice plans with friends later.
I have to keep reminding myself that everytime my brain processes something new, I will need time to feel sad, disbelief regret.
Then I need to dust myself off and move forward xx

[nbumblebee]

Im glad you are feeling better self care is so important especially when you are trying to heal for me just a bath with a locked door gives me a little respite, you enjoy sweetie you have come along way and should be very proud of yourself 💜

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