Struggling to Process

[AirBlue]

I’m probably not the first person to say this, but I have recently left a relationship that people (including professionals) tell me was abusive. While I think some of the behaviours were contradictory and a bit extreme, I’m struggling to accept that I was in an abusive relationship.

We were only together for a few months, but he would get incredibly jealous of anything I do relating to my job/studies to the extent that he would make me feel guilty if I had to go away/do extra work relating to both of these. He would also get angry/upset if I spoke to another male and withdrew from me if I did. He tried to downplay everyone else in my life and make them look like a bad person who was giving me bad advice. He would get angry and start a huge argument if I ever tried to raise any concerns about his behaviour with him, which would only be resolved if I backed down. He would make me feel guilty about any money that he had to spend when we were together. He would try to tell me how to do things and then withdraw from me if I didn’t. On multiple occasions, he threatened suicide after we had an argument. Because we lived in different cities, this was incredibly distressing because I couldn’t help him and, if I did try to contact people to check in on him, he would get angry at me.

We broke up recently and, in the meantime, he has been calling from withheld numbers and sending me numerous emails, trying to get in touch. Because that hasn’t worked, he has now got in touch with my employer.

I’ve been to see my local Women’s Aid and I’m getting support from them, but it still feels all bizarre in my head. I keep making allowances for him because he has a mental illness. I attribute everything to him being unwell, rather than abusive. Is there a difference?

[starryeyed]

Hi AirBlue,

What you have said sounds uncannily similar to my ex in many ways. I am relatively new to this forum and have also only recently left my relationship. I am also struggling to understand that it was abusive despite professionals telling me this was the case. I feel that I am overreacting or being too sensitive and now I am away from him I even wonder if it was real at all. I don’t know all the details of your relationship but from what you have said, it sounds like it was abusive. I know emotional abuse is insidious and it can happen gradually and subtly. My ex gaslighted me from very early on and I now find myself not even knowing who I am, what my thoughts are, or what is reality.

The things you describe about your ex being so incredibly jealous, withdrawing, making you feel guilty – all textbook abuser tactics. My ex used these too. He also made hints at suicide and blamed his mental health (and drinking, and weed, and physical health). It is hard when they use their mental or physical health as excuses for their behaviour – because how can we challenge this? We don’t want to be cruel to them, in fact we are likely to be empaths, so we want to help them! And support them to become well. When I first tried to split up with my ex, he blamed his mental health and I tried to support him – but he didn’t go for help and the abuse got worse.

You say you were only with him for a few months – it is quite alarming that he is showing all these behaviours so early into your relationship. I was told the same thing by a professional – in under a year my ex was using a large array of abusive tactics to control me. It is concerning. And please don’t downplay the length of time you were with him – abusers are highly manipulative and this type of relationship can really harm you.

The fact that you have broken up but yet he is still contacting you from withheld numbers, emails and contacting your employer rings huge alarm bells. In a healthy relationship it is between 2 people – not just one – and they respect your decision and right to end the relationship. He is not respecting your wishes. My ex was the same – despite messaging him to explain that our relationship was over several times and explaining why, I got a lot of contact from him in the form of letters, emails from different addresses, withheld numbers and voicemails, a sign outside my work .etc. This constitutes harassment and you can report your ex for this. I really advise you to go ‘no contact’ – it seems harsh but it is the best way because otherwise he will try to get you back – and if you do go back then abuse either stays the same or very likely gets worse. I had to change my contact number and delete my social media accounts. I found no contact very difficult and have broken it a few times since I left my ex, but it is so important to go no contact. You can never win with these men, they continually change the rules and move the goal posts.

Your ex may be unwell and have mental health problems but it is NOT a reason for him to abuse you. He is making a controlled decision to act the way he does. It has nothing to do with his mental health. And that is so hard to get your head around, I barely understand it, I still find myself minimising and making excuses for my ex – because he always told me I was being oversensitive and he was only joking!

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression a few years ago. I did not abuse people.
I have friends who have mental health problems. They do not abuse people.

And incredibly my ex has turned it round on me (no surprises there I guess) that I was the emotionally abusive one to him, he found me difficult and had to walk on eggshells, I was controlling, I have no empathy, I am not even half a decent human being, despite what happens in any relationship no one deserves to be treated the way I treated him .etc. Abusers project and he was mirroring exactly what I told him.

It is really good that you are in touch with Women’s Aid and glad you are getting support. Keep posting on here if you need to as well, it is a really lovely community of women who will help you out. Take care of yourself x*x <3

[starryeyed]

P.S. Please keep yourself safe. I found with my ex that I was always 5 steps behind him and couldn’t keep up with his thought process. There is no telling what they may do. Abusers up their game when you have left them. If you feel in danger then call 999 x*x

P.P.S. I don’t meant to alarm you or be too dramatic, but I just want you to look after yourself x

[AirBlue]

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it and I’m so sorry for what you went through.

Your situation does sound incredibly similar to mine – I was also blamed and accused of being unempathetic and financially abusing my ex.

I completely understand about you feeling like you’re over-reacting. That’s exactly how I feel. Now that I’m away from it all, I feel like I was just over-reacting to something that I could rectify. That said, when I was in the relationship, my head was so foggy and confused that I couldn’t even figure out which way was up. I’m actually thinking more clearly now.

Gaslighting is awful. I experienced that something awful too, especially around arguments. I was accused of saying things that I never said or had my mental health (I have anxiety and depression too) held against me – he claimed that my memory was bad due to my mental health.

It is incredibly hard when they have a mental illness. In my head, I just kept thinking that he couldn’t help himself and that it was my fault for triggering him. Despite that, whatever behaviour I engaged in was wrong. I couldn’t seem to not trigger him. Like you said, we want to be supportive.

One big problem I have about the break-up is that I haven’t told him not to contact me. I feel like I’ve done wrong there. I just stopped talking to him. I did mention it to Women’s Aid yesterday and they told me that I don’t owe him that explanation. That said, I feel it would have given him a little bit of closure or at least given me a stronger case if I had told him not to talk to me. That said, it’s gone too long for me to say to leave me alone now. He only called once yesterday, so we’re already making process.

Thank you for the advice too. I really appreciate it. Thankfully, he lives (detail removed by moderator)hours away from me, so I don’t think he will suddenly turn up, but I have a plan in place already.

Thank you again and take care.
x

[Lisa]

Hello Airblue,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I am so glad that you have had some really great support from starryeyed but I just wanted to send you a little welcome and some support too. Well done for getting advice from your local Women’s Aid group and for posting here. Just to confirm what starryeyed has already put in her message – mental illness and domestic abuse are not linked. There are plenty of people with mental health issues that do not abuse and plenty of abusers who do not have mental health issues. Abusers choose to abuse, a good way to help understand that is the fact that most abusers are only abusive to their partners, not their friends or their work colleagues which shows they can control their tempers but they choose not to in order to exert power and control within their intimate relationships.

If you wanted to you could still tell him firmly and clearly that you don’t want contact with him or if you feel it would be safer for you perhaps you could simply block his calls and emails or even consider changing your number.

We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[IrisAtwood]

And incredibly my ex has turned it round on me (no surprises there I guess) that I was the emotionally abusive one to him, he found me difficult and had to walk on eggshells, I was controlling, I have no empathy, I am not even half a decent human being, despite what happens in any relationship no one deserves to be treated the way I treated him .

The same thing happened to me. I am still struggling with it as I have always been told from being a small child that bad things are all my fault.

There are plenty of people with mental health issues that do not abuse and plenty of abusers who do not have mental health issues. Abusers choose to abuse, a good way to help understand that is the fact that most abusers are only abusive to their partners, not their friends or their work colleagues which shows they can control their tempers but they choose not to in order to exert power and control within their intimate relationships.

This is so important. I need to keep returning to it.

[AirBlue]

Thank you for your reply and your welcome. I do really appreciate the support I’m already receiving from everyone.

Thank you as well for the comment about mental health and abuse I need to keep telling myself that.

At present, he has stopped all contact, which is a relief. I’m not sure whether this is the end or whether it will continue/escalate. Hopefully, the former.

[Author]

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