Struggling today

[Whyme]

I’ve been reading through a lot of posts today and I am so happy to hear when someone has got away and how they are feeling good not too long after leaving. It sounds amazing.
I’ve never felt to low in all my life. I can’t sleep, when I do it feels like I have just fallen asleep. I don’t want to spend any time with him.
I do feel this guilt when he is being ok with me. I feel I need so much more from him like I am justifying being with him in the mean time until I have the courage to leave. It’s almost like I feel it could get better? Like he will soften up and be caring and comforting. I sit in my own home on edge constantly, I can never rest. I feel like I need a rest to actually have a word with myself. I have been away with friends and family for 1-2 nights (this has caused war) it’s never been enjoyable for me as I know he is at the end of my trip.
I long for the day I share that I got out and that I can share words of comfort to all you lovely people.

[LozzyX]

I feel I am at a very similar stage. Whilst I was completely full of anxiety and determined to leave asap earlier in the week, he is now showing his more reasonable and kind side so it of course my anxiety has calmed down a little and I feel guilty for plotting my escape … And like you I have a strange sense of hope.. even though I know it doesn’t get better… It’s only been getting worse and he has had chance after chance and has broken so many boundaries and left me scared, drained and almost suicidal

I keep a journal of all the ups and downs … At least one entry a day.. then I can reflect on this and see the sheer amount of bad days which then help remind me why I am trying to leave.

I think one day we will find the strength to go …. So many here have managed to do it so I am sure our time will come

[Author]

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