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Having a bad day today. I know he’s not good for me and that I need to walk away but I am missing him a lot. We hadn’t been in contact for a week until I bent and sent him a text. I feel so pathetic. I should have much more self respect for myself but I clearly don’t. He lies and manipulates and yet I obviously don’t think enough of myself to keep in touch. I was doing so well and then I got in touch. I don’t even feel the same way about him so why…physically he doesn’t make me feel the way I felt before all of the craziness from him. I feel tied to him. I am lonely and have recently moved into a new house and doing a lot on my own now to fix it up and it is hard work. Today I am just exhausted and this is me feeling better away from him in terms of sleeping and eating. I worked all day and then came home and was non stop in the house lifting boxes and moving things around and I just wanted him with me helping me and doing things that he used to do for me because despite everything he did do a lot of things for me and that’s what I keep remembering. He has also been abusive and I must keep remembering that but I am not perfect. I am friends with my ex partner from a few years ago and he helped me move a table outside onto the driveway for the council to collect tonight and as it was being moved the glass all fell in and it was everywhere and I still had so much to do. My ex couldn’t stay to help as he was picking up his brother so there was me having been in work for 11 hours, surrounded by glass which I couldn’t leave and so much to sort in the house tonight before I go to bed. I’m past crying and my thought was I wanted S who is my current partner but in name only at the moment. Sorry I just sound terrible but I feel so low tonight here. I’m just tired I guess and my emotions are all over the place knowing I deserve better but missing things that we had together and missing the support that he did give me at times. It was there and he helped me move into this house.
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Hi PTH, it’s okay to miss him, he did have good qualities, he was nice, but you know only too well that he also chose to abuse and hurt you. You’re exhausted by the sounds of things, we do things when we are tired, when we’re not thinking straight. Don’t be so hard on yourself.i think the glass breaking was just the final straw and your emotions got the better of you. Do you have anyone you can talk to, to help distract you? Have you got the bare minimum unpacked,if so, leave the rest fir a few days, then do one or two boxes when you feel a bit stronger, there’s no rush.
Try and get some rest, you will get through this.💜💜
Love and strength
IWMB 💕💕 -
Thank you, I am all over the place. A big part of me is angry and frustrated that I gave all the months I did to him helping and supporting him and it has all been a waste of my time and energy. Yes I have a few things unpacked but the house is just full of things to go through and I am only just getting on my feet after what he did to me. At least I have the house on my own but it angers me so much that he gets away scot free and everyone thinks what a wonderful man he is and how he has been offered jobs off of the back of my reputation in work. I think I am clinging on because how dare he, I don’t want to walk away just like that, maybe I am expecting more from this because I fee I deserve it…but I think I know deep down I won’t get it.
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Google trauma bonding. What you’re hoping for is the good parts of the relationship back, that’s normal. But sadly the good parts were not the real him. The real him is nasty selfish and self serving and that’s the partner you will get back. Start again zero contact from today and work on your own recovery. Loving him won’t stop him abusing you x
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I do get how you feel. When we are feeling exhausted and lonely, it’s only too easy to fall into that mindset.
My ex did everything for me. Because he had to be in control of everything. Not because he loved me. He deprived me of self autonomy, of personal choice and expression. He terrorised and intimidated me every time I found the courage to stand up to him, so I became submissive and obedient. I saw the red flags in the first few months. But believed my love could change him. I was so wrong, and the biggest mistake I made was giving him that one last chance. Because he then completely isolated me. I didn’t see my eldest son, my sister and Father for nearly 9 years. A virtual prisoner. It’s insidious.
Please, please don’t weaken. I will never get those years back. My now adult children have forgiven, but will never forget. They don’t respect me. Though they are not unkind. People who have not experienced this type of coercive abusive relationship just can’t understand it. They think we are weak. Mentally unstable. Because how could any mentally strong person either allow someone else to treat them that way, or allow themselves to get in that situation in the first place. And to be honest that is what I struggle with every day. Why, did I do it. Why did I allow it to happen and continue fir so long. It drives me mad. I don’t respect myself for it. I hate myself for it. And every day at some point, I grieve for the normal family relationships I threw away for this man who I loved and allowed to treat me so badly.
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It is just so difficult to get my head around and try to understand what has happened here but I know somethings just can’t be understood. We were happy for months and he did so much for me and I didn’t see it as controlling because I loved being in his company and our sex life was so great. I really felt that I had met the man I would spend the rest of my life with. No disrespect to any relationships I had had in the past but this felt different. Then there were little bits of verbal abuse here and there until things escalated this year and I find it hard not to blame myself because he has changed into a Jekyll and Hyde character. I am grieving for what was. I do want the peace don’t get me wrong and I am starting to focus more on my work and what I need to for me but I am just really shell shocked. I know this means jot but he comes from a good background with parents who support him and they have taken him in while he has got sober and he is now a number of months without drinking. That was time and effort on my part to help him get to this point and where does that leave me. I think this is why I am not walking away because I feel that I need something back from the relationship after the support I’ve given him. I am very angry and, I suppose, disillusioned if I think things are going to turn around. I went through Clare’s Law and he has had a previous conviction for domestic abuse but instead of walking away I excuse it by saying to myself well he was drinking at the time so it would never get that bad….maybe I just don’t have respect for myself. I seem to have glossed over the weeks this year where I have broke my heart, not eaten or slept because of him and spent my time talking to Women’s Aid and the police when where was he…I have told three close friends and two were very supportive apart from one who asked if I had no self respect and was so angry that I was in this situation. We have fallen out over it because she thinks it would be so easy to walk away and if a man ever shouted at her she’d be away from him in a minute.
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Hi PTH, I hope and pray your friend NEVER has to go through this😪 I AM like her, I’d never have allowed a man to treat me this way before, kicked them to the kerb before it escalated, so why is this relationship so different. Because it is, because of science, because of trauma bonding, because of fear, obligation and guilt, because it crept up on me , because he trained me to accept his word is law and comes with consequences, it’s like training a puppy the old way, violence works as does the threat of violence.
My daughter tells me she has more respect for herself and will not let anither man treat her badly and I think that’s brilliant, but her anger is directed at me too. She tells me I have no self respect and need to get rid of him, eh of course I do but I am so scared. I wish I was younger and didn’t physically hurt so much. But I’m slowly learning and standing up to him. I’ll never best him, I don’t want to, but I will leave at some point. I will go no contact,. I’m picturing myself living in my hometown, I walk the streets and breathe the air, I can actually touch it. If I think it, visualise it, it will happen.
IWMB 💕💕 -
IWMB I truly hope that you find the strength to leave. Yes I was very annoyed with my friend for saying that as if I was and idiot for getting myself involved and why hadn’t I seen through him. The next time we are due to meet up I think I will say that I have found my self respect and that is why I am cancelling my catch up with her! I feel so alone but IWMB I would rather be alone than live with my stomach churning not knowing what to expect. I try to keep remembering his face when he’s angry. We went out one morning in the snow to walk my dog and he was out of control screaming at me in the fields. I pretended to my dog (detail removed by Moderator) that he was just playing a game and to run after him. My partner, in the loosest sense of the word, was lying on the ground banging his fists into the snow and screaming blue murder like a mad man then ran away from us. I was so exhausted when we eventually got back to my house that I had moved into (detail removed by Moderator) weeks prior to this happening btw and he assaulted me in my house so it doesn’t feel like home because he tried to destroy that too. I just keep thinking if only, if only like I could have done anything to change things. Maybe never met him in the first place but one thing that I can take from it is that it has given me a strength from within to not be as soft with people around me.
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