Struggling today, is it my fault?

[Shazza]

Im finding things hard today. He has been very intense all weekend, not leaving me alone. If i go to the kitchen he appears and wants to know what i am doing. If i go to the bathroom he asks the same thing. If i look at my phone he asks what i am looking at or who i am talking to. He made attempted to take my phone out with him today, telling me he needed the (detail removed by Moderator) as he supposedly couldnt get his to work. I said to him that i am sure his works and offered to look for him. It worked straight away. He then gave me the cold shoulder and left in a mood.
Lots of questions since he returned, down to asking me ‘exactly’ what my mum had said when she came over. Stroppy when i said i cant remember exactly what she said.
He is being so intense i am finding it really unsettling.
He barged into the bathroom when i was having a shower, i had to ask him to leave as he apparently didnt even have a reason for being there and i recieved a bad reaction from that request.
He spilt his alcohol (detail removed by Moderator) and i had to (detail removed by Moderator) clear it all up (detail removed by Moderator). I was told he had cleaned it up. I explained not properly as it was all over everything and he continued to tell me he had. He then asked why i was acting annoyed and told me basically that he had cleared up and i should get over it.

He went to the shop to get his alcohol and cigarettes and asked if i wanted anything. I thouhht to myself that is nice to ask me. I asked ffor one thing, to which he then replied it would depend on what money was left after his bits. He then made it out like he had been joking but it felt like a dig and like he was making a point.

I cant tell if i am the problem, he makes me feel like it is all me and that i am the one causing issues.
He is drinking as usual and im worried it is going to intensify everything like it usually does.

Is this all normal behaviour? Am i being over the top?

[Bettertimesahead]

Hi Shazza
You are definitely not being over the top, he is trying to control you and what you do. Alcohol is no excuse. My ex husband is an alcoholic but that wasn’t why he abused me, he chose to do that. Alcohol does seem to make the situation more difficult though.
Read what you have written, if a good friend or your daughter was telling you that’s how she had been treated what would you think?

[Shazza]

Hi Bettertimesahead,
Thank you for your response.
It is so hard with alcohol involved as it is do easy to place the blame on that when he is harmful. It’s like i tell myself its cos hes drunk or cos he has his own issues. Then i feel bad for him even after all he has done to me. He doesnt even remember if he has hurt me. I know, if it was someone else i would say it was unacceptable. Why do i see it differently when it is me.

[KIP.]

It’s not you and abusers often accuse us of the things they’re doing. If he wants your phone you can bet he’s hiding something on his. Be very careful. You’re not being over the top. Trust your gut.

[Shazza]

Thanks KIP,

I hadn’t tbought of it like that. He seems so paranoid sometimes, maybe you are right

[Oceanastar]

Hey
I’m new so I’m sorry if I barging in here but my ex only (detail removed by moderator) ago now and (detail removed by moderator) attempts to leave did this to me.
He would constantly question everything I was doing, who I was with, where I was going. He eventually put cameras in our home without my knowledge, held me down looking for something he thought I was concealing and hallucinated thinking i was (detail removed by moderator) (I wasn’t). Turned out he was abusing cocaine.

I’m still working out if I was abused but bottom line it’s not right, it’s not healthy and you don’t have to put up with it.

Sending love xx

[Shazza]

Hi Oceanastar, im so sorry you are struggling as well. It is so hard to come to terms with isn’t it. Im really struggling with it and constantly feel i am making excuses for him.
X

[nbumblebee]

You are not alone and its not you sweetie. Weekends i find pure hell hes always there in my face constantly wanting my full attention and sulking and getting nasty if he doesnt get it I find it all so exhausting.
You are being controlled here it really isnt you dont ever allow yourself to blame you for what he puts you through how he makes you feel. The problem is his not you my lovley.
You dont have to put up with this you deserve more. Xxxx

[Shazza]

Thank you nbumblebee. Yes that is exactly how i feel about the weekends, at least in the week im out the house alot. Im sorry to hear weekends are tough for you too. You are right, we do deserve better. I always feel so guilty though and end up feeling sorry for him x

[nbumblebee]

Yeah I get this too sweetie its what keeps me here the guilt for him the kids the family. The self doubt the blame i guess its all part of the cycle its why so many of us stay for so long i guess. What we have to do is to try and find the strength and courage to break that cycle. X

[KIP.]

Guilt is a manipulation tool frequently used by an abuser. There is a FOG in abuse. Fear Obligation and Guilt and it keeps us trapped. Have you googled trauma bonding?

[Shazza]

I hadn’t but i have now that you mentioned it. It does resonate with me. I find it so hard as it is like i believe that he is abusing me at one point on time and then the next i am telling myself i am wrong and that it is all in my head and that he is a decent person. Which doesnt add up as the things he has done arent the actions of a decent person

[KIP.]

Keep a journal. Write it all down and read it back when you have a clear head. It’s beyond devastating to be abused by someone you love and trust. It’s mind blowing and we don’t want to accept it.

[KIP.]

When I finally realised and accepted he was deliberately abusing me it sent me spinning ☹️. He was choosing to hurt me and he enjoyed it ☹️.

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