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Hi SilkyHalide,
I take it you’re having contact with him due to you wanting to see your children. So even though you’re away from him, your abuser is controlling the arrangements and ‘messing ‘ you around. You feel weakened because of the contact with him. I think its ‘contact by email’, you’re having with him.
Time to take the control back and lessen his contact with you. Could you get a third party to read his emails? I had to do this. Even though it was time-consuming as I had to go to a friend’s house with the email. But it meant my friend could communicate his message (in her words) and only relate that which was about the children and none of his other abusive nuances etc.
Any bit of contact with our abusers is like ingesting poison that’s why you feel as you do, awful. Get a third party to read his emails and relay information to you. You’ll soon start to feel stronger.
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It’s the communication with the children that’s devastating I get through to one then it all unraveles with the other, and then his unsaid words. Yes email only but I still hear his voice and what he would say if he was speaking. Sticking the knife in.
They are hurting and I can’t reach them on fleeting visits so the gap widens.
I can hear him and see his accusatory face saying “you’re doing this to them”
I know if I’d given in he was starting to up the anti and they would still be going through it just in a different way but either way there are no winners in this. Not even him. -
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Yes that’s exactly how it was for me too, I got to the stage where reading the emails was like a PTSD trigger for me and exactly as you say I would still hear his voice, his angry, hostile tone.
I really feel for you when his influence and effect on the children affects ‘your relationship with the children’. And as you say, your children are hurting and you being the ‘safe’ parent (you will love them regardless), will get the brunt of their challenging emotions, their fear, their anger, their confusion, their hurt etc.
Living with abusers is too much for any of us, our thinking becomes distorted and our mind and emotions are a mess and our lives become unmanageable. That’s how it is for your children.
Hang on in there. I experienced the same with my children due to his malign influence on them. I found it so painful. But it does pass. Trust things will improve.
I found the best thing for my children and I is if I have absolute No Contact with their abuser dad, then my mind and emotions are calm, my life becomes manageable and I can brush off his toxic influences.
I still can’t control his covert verbal criticism and lies about me, behind my back to the children, but this abuse of his has considerably less power (over the children’s perception of me) when he has no other contact with me. I have reduced his contact with me to a mere trickle (he can only undermine me, rewrite history of the abuse and him as a ‘great’ dad, subtly criticise me) behind my back but hey my boss has the same behaviour patterns and does it about me and my colleagues. So I can’t escape people with those ways of behaving.
Basically my abuser cannot widen the gap (as he used to do) in the relationship between my children and I. And I have truth on my side, the truth of who I really am, so ‘me’ is allowed be shown the less contact with him I have, so my children and I are having a very normal relationship now, as he has less influence. And I was where you are now in my relationship with my children… due to my abuser.
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Hi Silky,
I am very lucky in that I had some fantastic DV support after my separation, from the local services. One lady in particular, who had been in the role a long time, was so wise and positive- she really inspired me in so many ways, and taught me so much.
From day1, my abuser has used events like Xmas or Mothers’ Day, to execute his horrible control, to try to upset me, make me feel abandoned and lonely and to try to set up tensions between the kids and I.
It hurt like hell and I felt like giving up.
This lady told me that if you can predict what he will do, it’s less of a shock, and that you will one day get to a point ( though you may not believe it) that you will be able to laugh at his stupid games and think how predictable he is, despite the dreadful hurt and serious damage he is intent on doing.
Because your fear and your feeling dehumanised by his cruel games is what he wants. He wants to continue to make you feel traumatised, to stick the knife in further and for you to react. He wants that power. So he sets up situations where he knows you would be very much hurt, and he uses his own kids to execute this plan.
I am getting to the point now that I know he will try to sabotage things for me where he can, and I almost expect it. And I win by being prepared for this, and not allowing myself to be his puppet and rea t like he is hoping I will. Because, in the recent past, if I have reacted as he wanted me to, then he has had the children lined up ready, ready to manipulate the situation to make me look bad, pathetic or needy.
So I have not played ball. I have turned the whole game on its head. I have reacted the complete opposite to what he wants. I have waved my kids off rather than show hurt, I have gone off and spoiled myself or been with friends on days when he hopes I will feel abandoned, I have nor played ball. Just because he throws a ball, it doesn’t mean I am going to throw it back. I refuse to get engaged in his game of ping pong.
When you our out of his game, you feel empowered. You have got your power back; you are refusing to merely be a puppet in his sick game.
Play the long game. Stand tall, don’t engage, I promise you that to your kids, in comparison, his juvenile and cruel games will look pathetic in comparison. And even if your kids are going to be a hard nut to crack, and it’s going to take time for them to realise the truth, you can’t wait around waiting for the penny to drop. Be confident in the knowledge that you are clever enough to know what he is up to. Your kids don’t even realise how they are being manipulated. And if they are being disrespectful to you and mimicking his ways, then you must teach them through action rather than words that your own life is too precious for you to be drawn I to such horrible and ugly games.
When he goes for the jugular like this, contract it with the weapon of extreme self-care! When you feel yourself becoming distraught like this, go off and do something radical that will have the effect of making you really cared for and pampered. Extreme self-care is your weapon here.
He’s playing the short game. It won’t last. You play the long game X
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PS
When I was at my most raw in the early days after his departure, he took great delight in doing things that he hoped would destroy me.
For example, his relationship with my eldest was always dreadful, and after he left, my eldest confided things to me that he was obviously too scared to divulge when my ex was living here. Things that broke my heart. For example, his cruelty towards the children when I wasn’t around, and his telling my eldest he never wanted him and wished him dead etc.
Yet, such a brilliant actor and manipulator is my ex, that he actually managed to emotionally pressurise my eldest to go and live with him for 4 days a week!!!
You can imagine how my heart was breaking, most importantly because of the bullying and harm to my son that I knew would go on. I felt like I was releasing my child to the wolf ( he used to joke to the kids that he was the big bad wolf- covert abuse).
My ex had thought up a whole host of brilliant reasons why my son should go and live there- all empty promises, of course, but my kids are good boys and they fell for their dad’s self-piteous act and promises. My eldest especially is very empathetic. My ex knows how to work people.
If I had shown any hurt or pain I know that- despite my son being a good boy- that he was so manipulated at that point by my ex that my reaction would have angered my son, as he felt trapped already. It would have caused him horrendous stress. He was already threatening to self-harm. Plus, I knew that- however painful for him and me- he needed to go through the whole experience of being taken in by his dad, being let down and realising the truth. All I could do was be
my here at the other end.My ex dropped this bombshell on me in court, telling them that my son had agreed to live with him 4 days a week ( note: the point at which he becomes main carer and gets all the financial benefits- it’s all about money with him).
I wanted my son to tell me himself. One day he came home very agitated, and told me. You could see he felt bad, but his dad was bullying him into it.
Upon the advice of this DV outreach worker, I didn’t show any antagonism towards it. I supported his choice- I just said, ok, it is your life and you need to decide, the door is always open here if and when you want to come back ( the hardest thing I have ever done).
Well, he went. The poor child was trying to put it off as late in the day as he could. He even wanted me to pack him a warm drink. I waved him off on the driveway. And do you know what day this was? Mothers’ Day! How my ex must have been congratulating himself!
Well, the upshot of it was that my son lasted 4 days there. Now, he hadn’t seen his dad in over a month.
There is a sense in which, let them go, let them go on special days, let them do whatever. Because the more time they are with him, maybe the sooner they will see him for who he is. Him having the kids on Mothers’ Day won’t feel right to your kids. It will only show the kids who he really is.
You, meanwhile Silky, will be acting like a graceful and strong, dignified and serene swan, even if you are paddling furiously under the surface. You will be constant, if firm, and your house will be run with proper morals and will be a safe and comfortable place to be. X
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HI HUn
Think serentity has guided u correctly, i would say similar myself, u have to play them at there own game, yes try and keep strength for your kids, he will play games to change your mind, take it kids r with him, could u suggest x days and if not co operating saying u suggest days otherwise will have to stick to following week again, i know he will try to stop contact each time, at least your kids will know u r keep trying , have u got support worker that could work with u
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it’s hopeless I don’t know if I can go on.
I’ve screamed till I’m voiceless with only a pet to hear me. I’m trying to put shields in place but they won’t hold it off they might just delay him beating me (emotionally and financially I mean)
I’m thinking of giving up financially so I can further shield myself emotionally but he’s taken everything already why make it easy to further ruin me financially too? If only I’d fought this battle, and lost, years ago (because he will always win I don’t doubt that) at least I’d be further forward now. It’s too late now to start again and get the life I wanted and it’s too late to repair the life I had. I didn’t stop him damaging my children and I didn’t give them the life they deserved. They are his now as they always have been, and even when they break free they will still see me in the image he made of me. He erased me and replaced me with the shell I became.😱
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