Struggling with everything

[IndecisiveGirl]

I’ve been left (detail removed by moderator), and this time it’s for good.
I saw my solicitor (detail removed by moderator), she advised me to stop paying my mortgage as he’s living in our joint mortgage property when I’ve had to leave with my baby to live with my parents… I told him I would be stopping paying and he has threatened to get me forcibly removed from my mortgage (I don’t think he can do this).
He’s also said I’m emotionally abusing him now because I’ve told him I’ll send photos of our son (detail removed by moderator) but for him to stop messaging me demanding photos every other day (detail removed by moderator).
I’ve also begun the process with child maintenance service because he’s enjoying controlling the money/just all of a sudden decided (detail removed by moderator) he’d reduce payments, so I just thought best to take the control from him, but now I’m terrified he’s gonna get so nasty when he finds out.
I’m scared he’ll be even worse about the house (doesn’t think I’m entitled to half etc) and about my baby/contact.
Contact wise I’ve tried to arrange visitation at my parents house where it’s safe, but now he’s making things up about my parents saying he doesn’t feel safe etc (he’s the only one who’s ever done anything/threatened violence to them), and he’s been threatening (detail removed by moderator) to come take our son for an unsupervised visit because I won’t meet in a mutual location, but he just didn’t turn up at all for any sort of contact.
I constantly still feel like everything is my fault.
And I’m sick of taking good advice from WA and my solicitor but then all it takes is for him to say something contradictory and I find myself in a panic/believing him over them.
Please tell me separation and parallel parenting (detail removed by moderator) gets easier?

Also, it’s my baby’s first Christmas, but I’m really struggling to get festive or motivated to enjoy it for him. I’m missing my ex really bad and just keep asking myself WHY did he treat me so bad, WHY did he not love me how I loved him, WHY did he not support and help me with our little baby, WHY did he call me selfish for doing selfless things for our baby, WHY can’t I stop loving him?

[KIP.]

Hi there, lots going on here. The truth is life when you’re in direct contact with an abuser won’t get easier. The way to handle this is to have absolutely zero direct contact. Set up a contact order and use a third party for all communication. Abusers are liars and that’s your starting point. You’ve been abused and there fore programmed to believe his word above all others and this will take brain rewiring. Good counselling will help with this. Take a look at Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. The end game for an abuser isn’t love. It’s control and destruction of you. They simply don’t think the same as we do. The more you have contact, the more destruction, dysfunction, confusion and pain you will feel. Establish a new completely separate life for yourself and your child. Let the solicitor deal with any legal matters. That’s their job. Let them take the heat. When you cut all contact, you will see his true colours as he tries to regain control. You have every right to decide who you allow in your life. Lying about being afraid of your parent is just nonsense. My ex did the same, tried to make out he was the victim in all this. It’s mind games that you need to ignore. Don’t be dragged into his crazy. Keep posting as these abusers are all the same with the same predicable patterns and it’s often easy to predict their next move. Just concentrate on you and your child for the time being. Zero contact x

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou so much everyone for all of your support.

I agree, reducing contact is the best way to move forward. I am trying to do this via solicitors/estate agents/child maintenance service. He hasn’t been to see my baby since I left. I’m still breastfeeding so have never been away from him for long. Is it irrational that I’m really scared/worried of my ex being with my baby while I’m not there? I’ve managed to mostly protect my baby from him since he was born, and my ex originally tried to manipulate me into having an abortion so the thought of my baby being with him makes me so anxious. When we were living with my ex, he would get mad at our baby if he was screaming/teething or if he was crawling around trying to explore everything whilst he was watching football, he also man handled him quite roughly and has left him to scream in his cot/refused to comfort him because he was screaming in his ears. He’s just not a loving Dad who I feel comfortable that my child would be safe with:(

[TakingMeBack]

He is just being manipulative, don’t let any of his words get into your head. He’s living in the home whilst you and your baby are living at your parents even though he has threatened them before. Yet he still has the audacity to call you selfish. Luckily I don’t have a child with my ex, I sympathise so much with every post I read. He kept messaging me for months after we split and I never blocked him, he then got drunk and created in he’s head I done something and started hating me, it was horrible at first, but it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve now changed my number etc so he can never contact me and it’s allowed me to start healing. It really is a rollercoaster so some days I still feel c**p. There are some days though where I just lie in bed doing nothing listening to nothing and appreciating how calm everything is, I never had calmness for all those years. Sorry for rambling, my point is maybe no contact will help you too. Is there someone else that can arrange visits for your son? I really think it would help you see clearly without him manipulating the story.

Stay strong, it’s hard to leave but worth it for a life without them. Your doing great and it will get easier!xx

[standtogether]

I’m so sorry your going through this, I can relate to a lot of it and know that feeling of doubt all too well.

I am in the thick of threats of solicitors and court from my ex. He is also making me feel very guilty for ‘keeping our daughter away from him’ whilst in reality he doesn’t keep to the contact he does have. Yet I can’t help but believe things he tells me. Always so nasty and belittling as he always has.

My parents do drop offs and pick ups for a (detail removed by moderator) visit and this has helped so much with being able to build myself back up. I do have email contact with him and this is horrible still and I find it hard and panic whenever I receive one from him. But at least I can deal with this in whatever way I need, by calling women’s aid or looking after myself when I receive one. Also he has no idea how I am feeling or what is going on in my life as I try to keep replies formal and brief…whatever his reply. My point is I am trying to reduce contact as much as I can and KIP is right this is the best way forward. Don’t think about how this effects him anymore!

I also feel your pain on missing them. Despite knowing my ex did not really love me I still miss that we were a family last year. But I know this will get better and try to keep reminding myself of all the horrible times as that was the real stuff really!

I hope today has been ok and we will get stronger and stronger. There is hope and a new year of freedom and real love ahead. Big hugs to you and your little one. You aren’t alone.x

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