Struggling with guilt and knowing what’s best?

[Hereforclarity]

I’d really like to have some honest feedback about whether I’m being unreasonable or making bad decisions after leaving my emotionally abusive/controlling relationship. So to summarise I’ve been staying with friends and family after leaving quickly some time ago and been looking for a new place with some friends and my pet. It’s been really hard and finding somewhere with a pet/even getting viewings was nearly impossible… It’s been a really difficult time and I’ve given up a lot/put myself through a lot of stress to try and kickstart my life into something functionable.

My very controlling ex – has been demanding that I don’t live in certain areas he likes to spend time in (even though we both have our own networks in them – I’ve been in the same areas for a long time *not as long as him). To clarify he doesn’t actually live in this neighbourhood – just is there quite frequently. He gives reasons that he won’t be able to cope bumping into me and that it would be crazy of me to move to anywhere he considers special to him. He piles on the emotional pressure/ultimatums/weaponizes his mental health etc etc. Around the break up – he has made me promise in what only feels like being under emotional duress that I wouldn’t consider living in the area he likes. I did promise in order to end the conversations (after over-explaining why he can’t red-line areas and how areas don’t belong to people to no avail) and I hated having to cater so much to his needs which would mean huge sacrifices for myself. At the time there didn’t seem to be other ways to stop really hurtful conversations.

So ideally I would also like to have a lot of space from him – however the people I’m moving in with want to stay in the area they currently are (an area he’s red-lined). They’ve been understanding and trying to find something with me where it would hold up the peace. To cut a long story short – we weren’t getting viewings, weren’t able to find anything in budget until a letting agent offered us a place in the area my friends wanted to be (under budget in an expensive city generally). So we sign on it and I’m sure it’s going to be easy enough to avoid any accidental run ins ( I don’t plan on being in touch and know his routine vaguely)… But I can’t shake this feeling that I’m full of panic and guilt for thinking I’m doing something terrible? So he doesn’t live in a comfortable walking distance to the area but goes there from time to time.

As I’m typing this out – I think it might all sound ridiculous? I feel like a kid that’s about to be told off and this in reality should be a really positive move – being in an area I love, near my friends, living with one of my closest friends in an affordable place… He’s just so firmly in my head. He acts so entitled to anything he deems reasonable and is so convincing that his perspective is the only valid one. He’s also in the past used other people and told me everyone he knows thinks I’m being crazy.

But maybe there’s a more destructive part of me that’s taking my “power” back or taking back control of my own decisions after feeling so manipulated and controlled for so long – by just doing what I want despite knowing he won’t like it? I don’t think this is the case and I would definitely be a bit more comfortable a bit further out the way and I have no interest in hurting him. I suppose I’m finding it hard to know if I’m being reactive or just a bit turned around and trying to get on with life.

Does it seem like I’m doing something wrong? (I didn’t expect this post to be so long! I’ve gotten into the habit of over-explaining everything – so thank you to anyone who’s taken the time to read)

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Hereforclarity

No, you explain the situation well, with its pitfalls and considerations.

I think so long as you feel safe, and can keep away, i.e. you don’t get sucked back it to his life in any way so its not a risk for you, you should be able to live wherever you want to. He has no right to tell you where to live, and its not near where he lives. You can’t reasonably avoid all areas he likes to visit, and he can’t emotionally blackmail you over it. Ignore him, and don’t be telling him where you’ve moved to, then he won’t even know. If he’ll recognise your car, then park it off any main routes, just to stay out of view or line of fire.

The panic to appease is part of post-abuse feelings, its normal to be feeling this way after such an abnormal existence with him.

Given the choice you would be further out, but sounds like you’ve been lucky to find somewhere that suits you all sufficiently well, so thats a win. You will have to block him out of your head though, where he’s taken up residence rent free for so long. His views don’t matter, so, unless you are putting yourself at risk, don’t give it another thought, its not like you’re moving in close to his home, which would be a whole other thing.

Look forward to it, and cut contact with him altogether, do not give him these opportunities to think he can tell you what to do or he will take them and capitalise on them. You are two very separate people now and need to lead your own lives.

Best wishes in your new home!

warmest wishes

ts

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