Struggling with guilt

[Apricot]

I’m really struggling this week. I have a lot going on. I start a new job next week. I can’t say too much but there is legal stuff going on right now and stuff with the police too. The guilt is back and the fear. I still worry about him and I still miss him. I’m trying to make a new life for myself. I’m pushing myself to go out and make new friends. It all feels overwhelming. And I miss my mum. I miss her so much. I’d give anything for a hug right now. I’m worrying about where I’m going to live and how I’m going to survive.

[Alicenotichains]

Hello Apricot,

Well done for posting on here when you are struggling. That is such a wise thing to do. I imagine that you feel apprehensive about starting a new job, it’s a leap into the unknown and unsettling. It can be quite an anxious time but I am sure that once you get settled in you will be fine. These are the moments when you would probably call your Mum for her support and it’s so hard when you can’t. If you also have legal and police things going on, that is such a lot to carry.
Missing an abuser and worrying about how they are, feeling guilty… this is one of the hardest things we have to face. It is very hard to explain to people who don’t understand the particular dynamics of abuse, why we struggle so much when we leave. It makes no sense to us, let alone other people. That in itself can be isolating. That is where this forum is so brilliant- we all understand. Don’t be tricked by the guilt and the longing- this is the echo of the abuse. Do some self care and bring the focus back onto you, you who have survived so much.
Going back a few years, I was in this break away period, where my future seemed uncertain and I felt very alone and conflicted. My mother had passed away and I felt like I had nobody to talk to. I couldn’t see how I would get out of that pit of despair- but I just kept taking baby steps into a new way of living and I kept up the No Contact. It saved my life.
Despite everything you have been though and how hard it is, you are bravely trying to make a new life for yourself which takes courage. You sound like you are doing your best and trying so hard. You will look back on this period in the future and be so grateful for the work you are doing right now. You are sowing the seeds of a new life that is free from abuse. You can’t see from this point where it will all end up, but please have trust that if you just keep going, you will reach a much happier time. This difficult time won’t last forever- just keep going, keep posting. You are going to survive and then you are going to thrive. Your Mum would be very proud of you.
X

[Bambe]

So inspiring that you’ve took the steps that you have.

Sounds like you’ve done the hardest part and you’re on the path to a new and happier life. I know if my daughter was taking the steps you are, I’d be so proud.

Keep your chin up, I hope everything works out for you x

[Apricot]

Thank you for your replies, it helps to know that other women who have been through this can understand.

I’m starting to realise how much I’ve suppressed. I had a long conversation with a friend last night. She remembers seeing bruises all over my back and asking what happened and I told her he had dragged me across the floor by my hair. I have no memory of this now. She remembers other occasions when he slapped me across the face or legs or grabbed me by the crotch so hard that I was pleading with him to stop. These are the things he did in front of other people. It upset them but he had a way of making it seem like it wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t want it to be a big deal. It was just the way he was. It was just a joke. Until I became the joke and I couldn’t take myself seriously any more.

She remembers the name calling and put downs. But she said there came a point when I was rushing to put myself down, before he could do it, and it was horrible. She remembers him suddenly appearing when I went out with girlfriends. Telling people I couldn’t be trusted, that he had to look out for me. Telling lies about me, implying I was crazy and unstable. Telling people they didn’t know what I was really like.

I just remember being so confused, trying to understand what was going on. I trusted him and I felt so much love and compassion for him. I didn’t understand that he was manipulating me. It’s like everyone close to me could see it – except me. They were waiting for me to wake up. Or hoping it might work out OK. But I didn’t want to acknowledge the bad things. I thought I was the one with the problem, that if I took everything on my shoulders, that I could make it OK. At the very least, he told me that we were as bad as each other. But it wasn’t like that was it? He would have killed me, in the end, one way or another. I was no danger to him. I took nothing from him, I only gave. The arguments the violence, it came when I resisted. And that’s why I gave up in the end because I’d tried everything else. I had nothing left to give. But he was still taking.

I thought it was love. But it wasn’t. It was desperation and fear. It was pain and longing. I’m scared by how much I have suppressed, how many things I allowed to happen to me. I don’t know if I can ever trust myself again.

[Author]

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