Struggling with lack of justice

[cakepops]

As the title, I am struggling with the lack of justice in my situation. All I wanted to do was end the (very long) marriage, move on and ensure our children saw both parents in much more healthy (abuse free) manner. But I’ve had a horrible time of it getting child contact resolved, with unexpectedly horrendous recent decisions. The impact of abuse on myself and the children has been minimised and my ex has effectively been encouraged to continue with post separation abuse, and in fact even been rewarded for it by more time with the children. The impact on their health and wellbeing is getting worse all the time, but its not taken into account (and indeed I am often blamed). I can’t stand the idea of having so many more years ahead of this behaviour – it affects us every day, as he is constantly complaining to people involved with the children’s care.

I can hold my head high knowing I have done whatever I can for the children. But I can’t stop his influence on our daily lives, the children’s anxiety and wider impacts on things like school and health. I am trying to accept that, for now, there is nothing more I can do. Its a really tough thing to realise though. I was in a much better place recently as things were going in the right direction, have had counselling and CBT and was enjoying life. I feel like I’ve been thrown back to worse than ever.

I really need some advice from anyone that’s been through similar?

[Wants To Help]

Hi cakepops,

I totally get where you are coming from here. I too went through many years of feeling hard done by by my ex, the ‘system’, the financial separation and the money I had to pay him to get financial severance etc. I was wanting to sort things out fairly and in the best interests of our child and I was met with hurdle after hurdle of obstructions from various services, not just my ex.

I spent years fighting for what I thought was right, only to find that myself alone cannot take on ‘the system’. Part of me felt a failure for not continuing the fight because I know in history that one person has indeed been able to make changes (Emmeline Pankhurst, Martin Luther King, Florence Nightingale) and I thought “all it needs is one person to keep making that stand to get things changed”, but in the end I was making myself ill, it was starting to become an obsession.

In order to start living a more ‘normal’ life I had to let go of some things and learn to accept the situation for what it was. Something I have only come across recently is The Serenity Prayer, which is…

God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can and
The wisdom to know the difference

As much as I want to be that person that gets those changes made I’ve had to accept that it won’t be me because the more I tried the more I was losing myself in the process. The biggest justice for me and my son is to live the best life we can now that I am free of my abuser, after all, that’s why we left them isn’t it?!

Keep your head held high, that’s where it deserves to be, you’ve done the best you can.

xx

[cakepops]

I love the serenity prayer, and even though I’m not religious I think about it lots.

The thing is, I am not free of my abuser. The phone will randomly ring when I’m enjoying time with my kids and its social services saying there’s been another accusation. Or an email from my solicitor with another accusation. Or a call from school because there’s issues with my child (loads of anxiety related issues). It feels like he’s all around me constantly causing issues… because he is!

I also have issues with my child coming back from their dad full of anger and anxiety and I get the brunt of it. I am hit, spat at, kicked, shouted at, blamed for everything. I cannot get help because my ex either blocks it or referrals get rejected as its all blamed on ‘conflict’. Child is perfect for their Dad and so of course professionals see this as my fault.

I’m honestly not sure how much more of it I can take.

[Anonymous]

Hello, I’m
So sorry for what you are going through. There are lots of similarities in our situation. I have found The Nurturing Coach (Google it) a very helpful. They do free courses and resources too X

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Cakepops

What they’ve done is enabled the abuser to continue abusing both you and your child, and I don’t think you would be alone in discovering they believe him, not you.

I do think on the basis of what you are suffering that you could protect your child by withholding access to him by your abuser, and then asking for a prohibitive steps order to ensure he could not remove your child from anywhere.

What support do you currently have? You do need it, a lot, especially when tackling this kind of stuff as it hits direct at the abuser which brings further abuse, but you are already suffering court-sanctioned abuse.

You can write to the court and say that your child is showing very worrying behaviour and his well-being suffers each time he sees his father, and his father is abusive to you both.

You need support to do this though, well I would imagine you would, as you need support now, because of his continuing abuse.

What support options do you have? Do you have any? Keep talking and posting as much as you can manage whilst you plan your options and next steps.

warmest wishes

ts

[cakepops]

Thanks, I’ll have a look at that!

[cakepops]

Thanks, I do have good support thankfully, but currently it just doesn’t feel like enough.

I can’t stop contact and in fact contact was recently increased despite all the issues being raised. It was deemed that our child would do better with more time with their dad(detail removed by moderator). We all know why, but the experts don’t see things through the lens of DV even with abundant evidence.

[Kitkat44]

Hi Cake pops,
I just want to send you love. I came on here to have a vent at the injustice of the way my abuser is continuing to abuse me and your post caught my eye.
Sorry I can’t advise just know we’re all here and have your back xx

[Twisted Sister]

The court may agree something, but it is expected also that a mother will prevent abuse! Its a nonsense, and puts far too much pressure on the mother to feel like she is fighting against the world!

however, if you state your points, i.e. exactly what happened, and what the abuse is, and then ask for another judge to hear your case, but that you are withholding contact based on x.y,z. whatever your list is.

Have you tried to reach Rights for Women, or Coram, or NSPCC, see what information you can glean without committing to doing anything except hearing what options you have. So many, many women and children are currently and historically in your boat, so to speak.

warmest wishes

ts

[cakepops]

Thanks again everyone.

I’ve cried more today than I think I’ve ever cried before. I feel it’s all my fault for not making the right decisions through a very long court process.

I know my ex will continue to punish me through child contact and any other means possible. Ultimately he wants to destroy any happiness I have.

I actually wish I stayed in the relationship asni would have had more chance of protecting my child. It feels hopeless.

It’s far too early to challenge the court decisions, but maybe I can in a year or two.

[Lifebegins]

Hi Cakepops

I am so sorry that you were so upset yesterday and I totally hear you with what you are going through.

It is so outrageously unfair that your ex is being aided and abetted in his abuse of you post separation. I was subjected to something similar a while back (but not with the accusations to all and sundry) and like you, I decided to take a pragmatic approach and just accept that I’ve done the best that I can for now. As WTH mentioned, the serenity prayer is a great source of comfort to me as a survivor of abuse, as I am learning to just let go of what I can’t do anything about. Also, a family member (who went through years and years of litigation where her ex, pretty much the same as yours, was rewarded for post separation abuse) said to me you can win/be right or be happy. She just walked away from the fight and took away his power. And it gave her peace. Your ex is going to continue to do whatever he’s going to do. You can’t change that. What you can change is your reaction to it. At some point, with all his complaining, he’s going to start to become a nuisance to these other agencies. He may even prove your point for you about post-separation abuse, you never know.

I also have the same issue with my child’s behaviour post visit. Every time, my ex has said something to smear me so I’m blamed for/had a go at about absolutely everything. In my child’s eye, my ex can do no wrong. Again, I’ve accepted this is how its going to be but what I’m not going to accept is bad behaviour; I’m not going to swap one abusive relationship for another. Believe me, I understand you as it’s stress on just another level and not something people really talk about. And you can’t just leave your children like you can an abusive partner. I arranged counselling with the school which was probably more helpful than I realised but it took two members of my family to speak to my child and coincidentally say the same thing about taking care of me and helping me at home, etc to make a difference. I didn’t even know they’d done it (it was on 2 separate occasions visiting 2 separate family members) but my child told me afterwards that they had and it had really made them realise that how they were behaving towards me was not nice and their behaviour has significantly improved. I still have the blow ups post visits (more of an accusation that I’ve said/done something) and my counsellor has helped me realise that it’s probably the only way that my child knows how to express whatever they’ve got to say. My response is now it’s fine if you’ve got something you want to talk to me about but you need to speak to me properly not shout at me and we can talk it through. It’s slow progress. But we’re getting there. And I’m again not giving my ex the power to continue to abuse me via my child.

I also understand that you feel that maybe you should’ve stayed but for everything that you and your child are experiencing now, it would be much worse for your child to continue to see that the model of a relationship you were in with your ex-partner as being the blueprint for their own in the future, not to mention having to subject yourself to it day in day out. You have protected your child by leaving. Maybe for now that is just enough.

Sorry for the mammoth response but this is an area I have really struggled with after leaving and for me, it’s been the worse bit about it all so I wanted to show you some some support cakepops. You should be proud of yourself having the courage to leave this awful person and continuing to fight to do the best for your kids. But you need the oxygen mask now and you need to take care of you.

Stay strong and sending you a big virtual hug xxxxx

[Anonymous]

Hi Cakepops. Just wanted to come back and say I’m so sorry about all the pain you have been through with court. I presume you know about Lundy Bancroft’s book When Dad Hurts Mum already. I was watching a webinar he did recently and he said something that stuck with me… ‘courts can make bad decisions and the kids turn out ok and courts can make good decisions and the kids still don’t turn out ok’ or along those lines. Basically, our children well-being doesn’t necessarily follow from the outcome of court, good or bad. Gather your strength in whatever ways help you, keep detailed records in case you need to go back to court, look into parallel parenting and think about how that can help protect you and the children… I have found a blog and book by someone really helpful but I just need to remember her name/find the book so will post that shortly. Please feel free to PM if you need a bit of extra space to go into a bit more detail as I realise you can’t say too much about anything specific around court matters.

[Anonymous]

Found it! Look up Rachel Watson.

[Author]

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